You Look So Ugly When You Cry :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Josh, sorry for the tardiness. This review is going to be a bit rambling, so
without further ado -

A great start, right out of the gates into the thick of things.

NAOMI  (30s)  lays  down  on  a  metal  operating  table.
Lies down, not lays.
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/articles/lay-versus-lie/

Establishing that she's a seasoned guinea pig with Naomi giving the Nurse how-to advice is excellent for instantly establishing chacter and character quirks.

Where in the world we are specifically is a bit of a mystery but we can guess Western World.

The faded scars is a nice touch. But to her face? What night that look like?

And then we go straight to a bar - which also says a lot about character, who Naomi is, searching for love, or at least one-night stands, company  etc. V.Nice description with the 'loud pink blouse'. Sometimes just little things like that can give us an instant picture. Dialogue is easy on the eye and you do well with portraying character via her choice of words, not answering questions directly ** etc. I already get the image of someone a little off-kilter, a little ruthless, a risk-taker, but she's likeable and funny too. You choose dialogue that's often unexpected in the exchanges and that's a really good thing.

Whew! Bone marrow testing is a big deal. That'd take real dedication or a big monetary incentive.

**Not saying who she really is – with the roller Derby retort – is a really nice touch. And you repeat that further on too, adding some nice humour. Clearly you're no beginner at this.

Ditto the bit about the (ship) table in the bar with Craig has a nice touché moment with the top n tail towards the conclusion of the script.

Random thoughts and observations:

a  woman,  wearing  a  gray hoodie  and  sunglasses,
I think you should think about naming this character from the outset.
So Claire invented the drug and the Corporation stole it? But she’s dealing it ? And from across the road?
Pheromones romantic love, infatuation - great themes.
We get the background here:

CLAIRE
In grad school, I found a
correlation between the increased
divorce rate and proliferation of
consumer pheromone-blocking
substances. Deodorants, strong
perfumes, scented bodywash: things
like that. I worked with some
Biochemistry PhD candidates, and we
were able to isolate particular
pheromones that could conceivably
be the cause for what we describe
as "romantic love." Or, at the very
least, an intense infatuation. This
was an exceedingly exciting
development, so every
pharmaceutical company wanted their
hands on it. But the people who
really wanted it? The people who
wanted to mass-produce and heavily
market it? The people who would
really pay out...

Why is Naomi intent on getting more of this drug when she's already been getting it from the Sarang Trial? Are some of them taking the placebo?

Claire will only give it to people in committed relationships and with children.
Okay, interesting...
What was the altercation then with the guy who got in the middle of the pepperspray fiasco?
I'll admit to being confused by some of these scenes.

Okay, Naomi gets busted by Hartounian.
So she gives him her spiel -

It's  not  your protocol,  but  I  can  be  a  real  asset to  whatever's  going  on  here.  Your product  would  need  to  be bulletproof.

And just like that she's back in the trial? It was a clever bit of dialogue but I'm not sure I'd want her. Considering how this trial goes and then the subsequent actual FDA involvement I’d consider Naomi a liability. But nope, she's back in there.

Have you considered giving Naomi more of a motivation for needing the money: (a) drug trials are usually a last resort for people needing money (b) She just enjoys doing this? We really don’t know much behind the 'why and 'who' she is - her background, what she's qualified to do (if anything), why she makes a living this way. Maybe we don't need to know, but it might add another layer...

LANA
Is  she  right?
DOCTOR  HARTOUNIAN
Not  at  all.  But  I  like  the attitude.  Take  her  to  the  waiting room.

So, he likes her attitude? Even though Naomi said the product would need to be bulletproof? And it's not.
She doesn't guarantee she will endorse it either.
He effectively says
no, she's not right.
Not at all.
But she's back in just like that? ?
As my hubby often says: without dumb mistakes and dumb choices made by characters who are seemingly smart there often wouldn't be a movie, so I'll go with that.

Enter
MALCOLM  (30)
Possibly  the  most  beautiful  man  she's  ever  seen.

I'll let what is essentially an aside go here because I don't mind it, (actually I did the same in one of my Shorts). The risk is though that we have no idea really what Malcolm looks like physically and it's up to us to conjure the most beautiful man of our individual dreams.

MALCOLM says:
I  heard  this  trial  is  going  to  test some  crazy  psychological  shit  that could  change  the  world.  Change therapy,  change  medications  for  the brain...  whatever  that  is,  I  want to  be  a  part  of  it.

NAOMI
Huh.

Is that a question from Naomi with the huh?
You use it further down too. Uh-huh, might be better..

Claire continues to be a bit of a mystery to me.

The Montage speeds things up to a point -
Then things go Pink.
NAOMI,  sitting  on  the  corner...
In the corner? On the floor?

Naomi continually states no, when asked if she's suffering side-effects, presumably so she can continue with the trial and get the money?

And Malcolm's motivation is purely altruistic?
And he's heard about this trial? Who's leaking the info? I kinda gathered these things are usually on the down-low. It's not a trial for cholesterol or diabetes.

I like your story and I like it doesn’t spoonfeed every single thing but I think a bit more elucidation could be given to the central ideas in the script.

Re your Logline:

- A professional test subject falls in love with a fellow guinea pig in a waiting room for a clinical trial..

This is not really what we end up getting.

Naomi is infatuated with Malcolm but it's short-lived. Once she discovers Malcolm actually has a girlfriend, all bets are off.

Craig is the love interest.

If we are to infer that the drug is responsible for her falling for Malcolm this doesn’t really tally cause they hadn’t been given the drug at that point.

You have lots of nice light humour throughout and I really like Naomi but I thought her character development a little lacking.

Sarang Corporation appears to use a reverse kind of Clockwork Orange not aversion therapy but the opposite? - While also incorporating the drug given? Or are they just testing the effects of the love-drug. Like I said, I admit to being confused at times.

Again, Naomi lies about the side effects (primarily the colour hallucinations) but says nothing cause of the big whopping cheque at the end?

Why does she abruptly walk out of the testing with the blue liquid? Is this still Sarang?
Okay so this was not Sarang but a food testing lab.

Naomi goes to great lengths to find the object of her infatuation but then stops pursuing him when she discovers he's taken? I thought she'd be more persistent given the Logline, but you throw me a curve-ball.

The scene with Sheila and Malcolm (being an item) is nicely uncomfortable btw.

As a result Naomi instantly turns her attention back to Craig. Poor discarded Craig, but not for long...
Naomi gets blind drunk tells Craig about the drug and Claire rejecting her request for it.
I'm a bit more muddled at this point.
Claire is coincidentally at the nightclub and using the drug with her girlfriend. Hmm, okay...  Like some long-term healing Ecstacy pill.

Craig then appears to not reciprocate, but then he does.  The bonfire scene? Confusing.
So now Naomi breaks into Sarang labs?

The office is filled with various magic trick trinkets...
What kind of toys? You need to be specific re what we're looking at here -

Steals the:
"INFATUATION
SUBSTANCE PROTOTYPE

Then Lana busts her, but then gives her some of it?

Sheila and Malcolm are breaking up.
Malcolm doesn't want a drug to artifically assist his relationship (I wouldn't either) but then at what point/why does their relationship go off the rails?

Crazed Man and Claire have an altercation.
Then Naomi is with Craig again.

I love the Rainbow Seals bit. I'm tempted to suggest you change the title to something along these lines or consider using colours in your title, or something from the final lyric we fade out on at the end.

This rainbow seals bit is crazy good...

They sing these
songs at night so their swimmers
don't get lost.

Their swimmers? Maybe articulate that a bit better, but I really loved this all the same.

Oh, but then that is sadly debunked.

Okay, so now the whole FDA involvement is nuts.

Roller Derby line again made me laugh.

Why does Naomi tell everyone again that there are no side effects?

A Cowboy character hits on her.
Pharmacy scene.
Naomi goes to another Bar sees how the potion can potentially be used for no good. She saves a woman.
Then she gets ill. Why does she get sick? Another side-effect?
Sheila singing Kokomo – yuk, not a fan of this song. This is the danger of specifying song choices. I get it though. Pretty hard not to do with Karaoke scenes.

Naomi responds again further down with: Huh.
I think she's just agreeing. Huh usually is said with a question mark.

Okay, moving on, I've read the entire script twice now to see if I was missing crucial elements.

I came away thinking the same things regarding the narrative.

I think you need more evolution of the actual romantic storyline between Naomi and Craig. You have a particularly lovely section of dialogue (along with the one above re the rainbow seals ) even though the actual myth is debunked by another character further in.

You had me in the palm of your hand here:

NAOMI (CONT'D)
... I didn't know that making
someone soup when they have the
slightest cough was love. I didn't
know that running over when
something seemed even a little bit
wrong was love.
She looks at Craig. Wells up.

NAOMI (CONT'D)
I didn't know that kissing scars
before asking how they happened was
love.

A beat.

NAOMI (CONT'D)
And I realize now that all I wanted
was your face hanging above me in
the morning

A little less poetic at the end maybe, but that's Naomi for you.
Format-wise your CONT'D s are not necessary btw.

However, I wanted to see more evolution of this relationship to warrant these heartfelt lines. I just felt a little cheated regarding their burgeoning romance - like I missed it really taking off.

Regarding the hearing - I found it a bit of an anticlimax and not totally resolved in a satisfying way. Was Naomi offered money to testify? Cause otherwise I'm not sure why she did.

You need an Intercut with the final scene too, under that V.O some of it doesn't transition well with the other scenes.

This bit: Shots of Naomi and Craig talking on a swing set in an empty playground.

I love loved the final scene with the rainbow seal.
Some really lovely insightful moments too overall about love, perception v reality etc.

One final gripe and that is that I saw no reference to your title in the actual script and I really feel you need that. See my comment above about changing the title. Alternatively add a scene so the title resonates.
Nothing quite like witnessing an ugly-cry, but you love them even more.

Despite some of my reservations (or at least things I feel you could flesh out more) this is a really original piece of writing and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite some head-scratching moments.

I hope you write another draft.
Enigmatic is cool but I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on this.