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Fake News by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as (a)realDonaldTrump - Short, Comedy, Horror - A monster walks the halls of the White House. Fake news, or a story that the president doesn't want to get out? 4 pages - pdf, format
Page one and already errors with the writing are taking me out of the read.
Code
Off-screen, an indistinguishable noise...
Indistinguishable from eerie quiet? It's your job to tell me what type of noise.
Code
Cautious steps towards the door.
Who's Cautious? You haven't introduced them.
Code
Garcia moves his ear to the door to listen in.
Why else would he move his ear to the door if not to listen in?
Code
He takes a step back and in one fluid motion draws a side arm
that was previously hidden underneath his jacket. He points
it at the door.
GARCIA
If someone’s in there, come out
now!
If he is suspicious of an intruder why would he warn them that he is there?
All from the first page. Not a good start.
The middle and end fell flat for me too... but not an easy subject matter to have to work with in a 48-hour deadline.
I like the caricatures of Trump and Baron and I'm pretty MAGA. Don's dismissal of the monster in the White House as fake news made me chuckle as did the bedtime story. I guess this is kinda a B horror script and I'm ok with that.
I’m truly over the Trump bashing that seems to be part of everyday life at the moment. It’s gotten boring.
The parameter didn’t call for comedy for this pair so have no idea why the writer added it. The writing was good just I cared nothing for the subject matter and the added comedy wasn’t funny anyway lol
I get that Horror-Coms are a thing, but this is just a straight up gag; the comedy aspect overtakes everything to the point where I don't feel the challenge parameters were met here. It's written well enough and I will admit that the description of Donald Trump made me laugh, but overall, this one wasn't my favorite.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I think this falls inside the horror box, even if it ended on a gag about "loving" Mexicans.
The parameters call for a White House setting, not the current administration, and putting words in a real child's mouth just doesn't sit well with me.
You had me at "good night, little Donald." Funniest line I've read so far in the entire competition.
This was the obvious idea for these parameters, and the other entrant chose not to go quite all the way here with it. You did and I think you did it well, at least well enough for a 48 hour quickie competition. Other script went more camp which is more reminiscent of the "monster movie", however I think this one does fit the parameters, if even only barely.
Nice job and you gave me a couple of chuckles and one big laugh.
Heh-heh. I had to check to see if you had comedy in your description as I was expecting only horror. I could picture Alec Baldwin doing this as a skit on SNL, for sure. Good job with this one. Kudos.
Short notes: Garcia wasn't completely believable to me regarding his function in the White House since those are the best of the best of the… The Mexican theme thing was, you know, a bit fed up of it at the moment. Not meaning the basic message, but it's something that right now only walks with a masterfully execution, even brilliance. Btw except for those two things the whole development is fine. In the ending you go back there to what I said above. I hope you understand my issue. Then, I can say that this presentation of screenwriting does deliver flawless. You move the picture, with rhythm, balance, a brief and direct screenstory language, everything; also ultimate tidy it looks. A lot of story boxes clicked as well.
So this was my disaster. I’m glad some of you seemed to like it and to be honest I was really surprised at the positive comments.
I’m never touching this script again, but thought I’d address a few things while I wait for the clock to count down.
Dustin I generally find a fair bit of your notes useful and have used a lot of them over my time on SS, but I thought these were a little nit-picky. A couple were spot on.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Indistinguishable from eerie quiet? It's your job to tell me what type of noise.
Well it was quiet and then there was a noise, but this was super lazy writing on my part. I couldn’t think of a noise so I used indistinguishable.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Who's Cautious? You haven't introduced them.
I did intro him, he’s literally the only person intro’d.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Why else would he move his ear to the door if not to listen in?
Really neither here nor there.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
If he is suspicious of an intruder why would he warn them that he is there?
He wasn’t overly suspicious to begin with and let them know he was there already.
I’m truly over the Trump bashing that seems to be part of everyday life at the moment. It’s gotten boring.
The parameter didn’t call for comedy for this pair so have no idea why the writer added it. The writing was good just I cared nothing for the subject matter and the added comedy wasn’t funny anyway lol
I’m over it to but I really struggled to do anything with White House and monster movie, Trump was a very easy target.
The parameter didn’t call for comedy, but horror/comedy is very much a thing. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil and Final Girls are hilarious and are still horrors.
But you did say you didn’t find it funny at all, so does that mean it's just a horror? :p
I personally think I used some well-worn horror bits that still make this a horror. Just my opinion.