Quoted from LC Thanks for the FYI, Steve. I didn't know that re Treatments.. David can upload the treatment ticking the existing script with Don, I presume?

I’m pretty sure if it, yes.

Totally revamped this entire script to be a dark comedy instead of a thriller, but stuck with the home invasion angle because I am dead set on filming this myself! My biggest concern: is this actually funny? Be brutally honest! I ask you say the three rudest things you can possibly think of when reviewing this.

I liked this a lot better in it's original form, the serious tone. Unfortunately, I didn't find it funny at all. The logline made it sound like it could be, but nothing really humorous to be found here. Maybe if the intruder had a comic angle to himself as well?

Also, too many descriptions with statements that don't show us action. They tell what is going on in the characters' heads. Some examples below italicized (hopefully)

She purses her lips, is there anything left to say at this
point? No, so she heads back to the house

Max's face is crinkled up like the plastic bag they used to
carry around the dead body. What the fuck is going on here

But there was more too.

I'm not saying this couldn't be funny. Perhaps if we could identify more with John. What if this was a Full House episode -- one gone horribly wrong that is.

Thanks for giving this a second read! Really appreciate it.

Not sure I’m grasping your last comment fully. Are you saying John could be more like a Danny Tanner to make him more relatable? Or the entire script could be rewritten as a mock Full House episode to give it a better contextual shell?

Quoted from Talldave Not sure I’m grasping your last comment fully. Are you saying John could be more like a Danny Tanner to make him more relatable? Or the entire script could be rewritten as a mock Full House episode to give it a better contextual shell?

Yeah, but not literally. If you make a character where we go "of all people for this to happen to," like Costanza or Larry David...

That’s the sort of feeling I was aiming for actually, so it’s good to know I didn’t hit my mark! Thank you!

Hey Dave,

So, this had some amusing parts but the overall logic of your main character just kills the story overall. I get it, maybe his wife Darcy's a neat freak and he's scared of messing up the house, but it's too much of a reach that he wouldn't call the cops and that she wouldn't understand. In fact, it's probably something she'd want to know. I just couldn't get past that at all. Maybe if he, himself, were hiding something that he didn't want the cops to know about, I'd get it. Or maybe he was hiding something from his wife (maybe he has another woman there or had another woman). And the situation as a whole doesn't really seem to have any real payoff or punchline. Everything just plays out until Darcy comes home and sees that house seems clean. Not much punch to that punch line.

Some notes as I read:

Quoted Text John (30's) is a typical, disheveled stay-at-home dad. Covered in assorted food stains and possibly body fluids.

Is the typical stay-at-home dad always disheveled? Maybe leave out the typical.

Not sure why you have the sub scene headings bold-faced but not the actual scene headings.

Also, you have the main credits roll during this scuffle with the intruder? How many credits are there? As a short, I just think having the title card come up after the intruder is knocked out with the rolling pin, maybe over black, would be fine. It’s a short, you don’t want to waste too much time with opening credits when there’s going to be end credits anyway.

I do think it’s funny that even the intruder is respectful enough to fight quietly as the baby is sleeping… reminds of that scene in “The Other Guys” where they’re at a funeral trying to fight quietly out of respect for the people in mourning.

PAGE 3 – Wow, this intruder’s got a hard head. How is he still fighting back after a rolling pin to the noggin?

PAGE 4 – How does a cum rag end up in the kitchen garbage? This might play better if he was in his bedroom. And the flashback seems out of nowhere. Maybe he was whacking off or something earlier in the script? Unless this “woman” we see in the flashback is important to the story (maybe he’s cheating on his wife?)

Also, why is trying to clean up. Why wouldn’t he call the cops at this point?

PAGE 5 –

Quoted Text John tip toes down the stairs until he sees Max turn and start to walk away. John tries to quicken his pace. He trips at the last step. He yanks the door open while using it as a crutch to pull himself back to his feet. He leans up against the doorframe, cool as a cucumber.

I’m all for physical comedy ala Chevy Chase, but it doesn’t really come across as funny on paper.

PAGE 5 –

Quoted Text JOHN Kait can't find out about this-- Frankie can't find out about this. It'll traumatize both of them...and Kait would never let me hear the end of this. MAX What is wrong with you?

Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. John’s logic is pretty dumb. I don’t think anyone in the audience would be able to identify with him on his reasons for not calling the cops. Chalk it up as a bad decision by the character, but it just comes off as really, really dumb. Unless there’s some kind of twist coming up.

PAGE 6 – Wait, their burning the body on the fire pit and then cutting him up? Am I missing something?

PAGE 7 –

Quoted Text JOHN (CONT'D) What the fuck, dude? MAX What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck, fuck you. I'm not just going to sit in your kitchen holding a chopped up dead body while you drink a glass of fucking juice. JOHN It's milk.

This is kinda funny. But man, John is sure one dumb, bumbling character.

PAGE 8 – I like that Max dresses up as Santa to comfort Frankie and keep her distracted.

Ha! I like that she gets blood on her finger. Dark but funny.

I do think this can be salvaged by adding more layers and giving John a better reason to hide this from his wife and not call the cops.

-- Michael

Thanks for breaking things down Michael, reviews like this are awesome and super appreciated.

I'm not sure if I meant to make this Mr. Bean kills a home invader, but I definitely agree that without proper motivation and finesse, then that's what I'm essentially writing.

As people have caught on, I'm trying to make John the despicable but likeable Chevy Chase or Larry David archetype. Think I need to go back and do more character building!

Quoted Text Thanks for breaking things down Michael, reviews like this are awesome and super appreciated. I'm not sure if I meant to make this Mr. Bean kills a home invader, but I definitely agree that without proper motivation and finesse, then that's what I'm essentially writing. As people have caught on, I'm trying to make John the despicable but likeable Chevy Chase or Larry David archetype. Think I need to go back and do more character building!

Just a thought... I mean, John has a clean-up guy come by and help him clean up the mess (Uncle Max if I remember correctly?). What if John is also involved in some illegal stuff and the home invader is a rival or someone who is owed money or something? And maybe John's wife and kid think he's just a salesman or just a normal guy with a regular job?

Like I said, there's some funny stuff in it, it was just getting over John's motivation for hiding something like this and not calling the cops that kept it from reaching its potential.

-- Michael

That would probably work well considering that it would give it a sort of satirical Ozark type spin. Going to dig deep to see if I can come up with something that really tickles my fancy.

Maybe all it needs is a little tweak to make things fall into place, but won’t know until I start moving around some pieces!

Thanks again everyone!