Enjoyed this one, Steven. Just a couple of nit issues.
The opening is a little clunky. e.g.,
Quoted Text INT. JASON’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Standing at the door is JASON (late 20s/early 30s, wearing a hoodie). Car keys clutched tightly in his grip, eyes locked straight ahead, trying desperately to bring himself to leave. |
Make it active - stands - vs is standing and settle on an age. e.g., It's also a bit overwitten. Maybe:
INT. JASON’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
JASON (25), clad in a hoodie stands at the door. Car keys clutched in his grip, eyes locked
straight ahead.
I would use beats rather than waste them. e.g., this:
Quoted Text JASON (V.O.) Not sure what it is about the world we live in, but I’ve never understood why people can’t just let you live your life and leave you alone. But, no. Everyone is obsessed with asking you how your day’s going or how you’re doing. (beat) They don’t care how I’m doing, and I don’t care how they’re doing, so why can’t they just leave me alone? (beat) A couple people I can somewhat handle. As long as I don’t run into a bunch of people, I should be okay
|
Can be exploited to be this:
JASON (V.O.)
Not sure what it is about the
world we live in, but I’ve never
understood why people can’t just
let you live your life and leave
you alone. But, no. Everyone is
obsessed with asking you how your
day’s going or how you’re doing.
(looks over shoulder)
They don’t care how I’m doing, and
I don’t care how they’re doing, so
why can’t they just leave me
alone?
(big inhale/exhale)
A couple people I can somewhat
handle. As long as I don’t run
into a bunch of people, I should
be okay
Anyway - like I said - nits. I know someone with this disorder - you captured in pretty well, IMO. Nice work