Drown On Dry Land by John Stone - Short, Comedy - A Celebrity Culture short. And when Neil Bimouf discovers he's won a competition his fame and fortune get the better of him. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I love the title.

This reads like an episode of Black Mirror. It's tragic the way Neil's life suddenly devolves into a nightmare situation. It's nice the way the story has a light feel like a comedy before Neil's life goes sideways.

As I read this, I imagined the soundtrack bouncing along with a light melody until the bottom of page 6. Then it continues the same melody but with, a dark minor chord.

With the appearance of a second title on the title page, Drown on Dry Land and The Incel, I get the impression that this may be one episode of a series. Is it?

Hey John,

I'm going to make the jump and guess this is a satire?

The problem I have is the disjointed tone. The guy wins one million pounds? Okay this definitely has to be tongue in cheek. I think you have to incorporate the comedy more via the fish out of water/ reluctant hero theme.

REPORTER
How does it feel to be the UK's
most involuntary celibate incel?
NEIL
(Scratches head)
You what?

I mean that's a funny setup.

I pictured Rhys Ifans from Notting Hill.
I loved the humour on page 1, and I really wish you'd included more of that. It then devolves into utter sadness and tragedy on the final page.

as they chew over the fat.
as they chew the fat

Please tell me what this formatting means:
TREVOR /
Why the forward slash? I'm sure I saw this in your OWC.

A few too many wrylies, not counting the directional ones.
Your wrylies (Coyly)should all be lower case. (coyly)

30s not 30's.

The girl was 16 which makes me wonder the age of consent in your neck of the woods. Okay it is 16 in the UK.

So hmm, a mixed bag for me.
You have a talent for setting up unique scenarios, I just think you need to commit to extremes, the comedic angle, the abusive angle, to get your message across.

The hair-cut scene is a little redundant imho, make it more comedic and/or connected to the overall story.

I'm interested in your thoughts on this and some elaboration.

Hi L.C (Admin)

Thank you for your comments and questions.

I'll try to answer some of them best as can.

To chew over the fat - chat in a casual/leisurely way.

TREVOR / or (Cont'd)

TREVOR - (Aside) I prefer shorthand. It saves time and is less bulk.

Nitpicks:

Wrylies? Why lower case? It's independent. But will consider it to be wrong if the argument is that it written in the middle of a sentence.

30s doesnt make any sense to me since a letter after a number should be capitalised, so 30's makes more sense.

Haircut is important to show because it shows the new Neil image before his self inflicted downfall.

I have only touched on the subject matter so far but my thoughts are that we live in a world where fame and notoriety is easy to come by.

Neil wins a competition he knows nothing about since he is an incel. Somebody who sits at their computer and is uncomfortable around the opposite sex.

He becomes famous and rich for literally doing nothing. But then overnight his life changes and he is back in the human race.

For him, this is difficult to sustain since he's an incel.

He is soon brought back down to earth with a crash, bang, wallop after a little episode with nasty Janette.

To drown on dry land usually refers to someone who commits to their own downfall. Many politicians are good example of this.

My own example to show how you can become rich and famous for doing nothing.

I will extend this story because I feel it is important to highlight the subject matter since it plays a role in our lives today.

I hope this helps clear a few things up.

D.A

Thanks for your comments.  The title is important since it plays a huge part in celebrity culture today. "Famous for doing nothing, then committing to your own downfall.

Actually there are many different scenarios with the subject matter, so yes this could become a series of self inflicted misery.

I'm not sure where the music plays apart tho.

Thanks for your comments.

At risk of sounding like a know-all, parentheticals (wrylies) are always written lower case in screenplays with the exception of proper nouns.

(To Neil)
(to Neil)

(Angrily)
(angrily)

You're going to have to take it up with the format police (Industry Standard) if you want to debate this, and though some formatting rules have definitely been relaxed of late including the omission of FADE IN - now personal preference, however I wouldn't advise just making things up as you go along.
Character CONT'D is not necessary between lines of dialogue, only use when going over the page.

/ Appears to be a shorthand of your own which like I said I've never seen before. I'd advise you not to use it as it looks like a weird typo.

Re 30s 30's. The apostrophe is incorrect. There is no ownership by the number and no other contraction. You are using shorthand of "thirties." So, "30s" is accurate. The same goes for dates. It's the 1970s, not 1970's. Chicago Manual of Style supports this; actually their preference is thirties. Anyway this is all up to you.

The phrase is 'chew the fat', no need for 'over'.

Anyway, I hope you take all that in the spirit intended. I would definitely read an extended version of this. I think it warrants more character and plot development and more humour to contrast with the tragedy (it is a pretty shocking ending). Message type scripts often get through more effectively if they're balanced with humour, but then that's just my opinion.

P.S.
LC or Libby is fine.
Don is head-honcho.

Ok. Nitpicks are just nitpicks. If we don’t challenge status quo we cannot move on. This is the choice of style I choose to adopt. If it feels wrong to you I will not challenge that, like I will not change that either. Your comments have been taken in good spirit but I will not adhere to type if it doesn’t feel right to me. All great writers adopt their own structure when writing. I’m not great but I’m aware of what makes writers different from others and that usually comes with their idiosyncrasies. Keep cool and carry on as you were would be my mantra to anyone writing a script. You only see and hear what is shown on your screen. This is what must be realised as both writer and viewer.  Cheers for your thoughts Libby. Hope the dress looks good today.

Fantastic title.

Intriguing setup.

Frustrating story with a tone that leaves me uncertain. The sense of tragedy is somewhat dulled by the protagonist's all-consuming passiveness. If we're looking for some kind of Kafka-esque "man caught in the machinery of society" feeling, everything's working until the choice to go upstairs with the girl. This is the moment where we begin wondering just how out to lunch this guy can possibly be. He actively chooses to take his shirt off for a girl who wants to kiss him, which is an extremely, uh, odd thing to do, and then sits there while she takes her dress off, which is in the best case quite spectacularly bad judgment. Is he kinda deer in headlights in this moment? How does he let things get to where they get to?

Janette's motives are also unclear, ie. whether she's specifically out to get him or she simply throws him under the bus once they're caught. Assuming it's the latter, this should be super clearly reinforced, whether in action descriptions or whatever, because there's a big difference to this story if he's ruined by a specific evil person or by the general dynamics of society.

I think the premise of becoming a famous incel and thus a potential sex symbol is very clever. I didn't feel that the story takes that premise to a satisfying place. If it's intended to send a clear message, I didn't understand it. But I really do like the setup here.

*

Actually, reading above, I learn that the age of consent in the UK is 16 (good lord). (And then I learn that's relatively high for Europe. Good lord.) Is she supposed to be legally underaged for this story? Everyone calls him a paedo and this is presumably what he goes to prison for. Or is it the rape accusation? But all the emphasis goes to the former.

And P.S., Libby's right on the "nitpicks," the little divergences from traditional format just look like typos.

Hi and thank you for your comments Heretic.

Appreciated.