Hey You by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Who knew pumping gas could be this dangerous? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks you, Don, for posting. FYI, this is not a rom com! It’s drama. You’ll see. Thanks

Quoted from SAC Thanks you, Don, for posting. FYI, this is not a rom com! It’s drama. You’ll see. Thanks

Fixed.

- Don

Stevo!

Well, this was an interesting read. It felt like an Prologue to a larger story.

It had a Stepford Husbands feel to it.
Quite a shocking turnaround when he started to wring her neck.
Out with Social Media and in with some Sci-fi type of indoctrination but things went a bit awry courtesy of the QR code with extreme consequences.

I liked it, but I'm not exactly sure what was going on at all times.

Typo first page with debit car v card..
And I'd tweak stove to oven (opens the oven) before she removes the food to the stovetop.

Count me intrigued.

Thanks for reading, Libby. I know this one needs a little work, but I guess I just really wanted to show where I think misinformation could (hopefully not) go. Peeps are already brainwashed, so why not just go all the way, right? Pretty bleak huh?

Thanks for the over thing. Readability and flow is always key.

I started out wanting her death to be a bit more gruesome, and I was hoping to show that, and shock people, so I’m not quite sure I did that. Anyway…

Steve

*oven

Quoted from SAC *oven

Steve, have you, after all this time, not learned how to edit your post?

The transition from what's cooking good-looking to now I'm going to snap your neck, darling, was effective. Perhaps he snaps back to consciousness - a moment of clarity of what he's done before getting the knife? That might add a layer of sympathy and audience reaction.

Like I implied before, establish the rules of this concept and really go for it.

P.S. On second read, there's an additional full-stop second paragraph p.3.

Dear Steven,
maybe have some camera feed of Ed pulling into the gas station as my inital thought was "why him?", then the three cowboys being Tres Amigo's or ZZ Top!?
I think you need to show the QR code penetrating his eye (and brain).
If the misdirection was competing Big Oil companies. As written it just seems a bloodbath.
Best - JtF

Quoted from LC Steve, have you, after all this time, not learned how to edit your post? The transition from what's cooking good-looking to now I'm going to snap your neck, darling, was effective. Perhaps he snaps back to consciousness - a moment of clarity of what he's done before getting the knife? That might add a layer of sympathy and audience reaction. Like I implied before, establish the rules of this concept and really go for it. P.S. On second read, there's an additional full-stop second paragraph p.3.

Yes, I know how to edit. Lol. I just got lazy is all.

Thanks for all the catches. On another read of this I can see it’s littered with them! Damn, I should’ve prodded this harder but I kinda wanted to get this in before all the hullabaloo of the OWC hit.

Quoted from JtF Dear Steven, maybe have some camera feed of Ed pulling into the gas station as my inital thought was "why him?", then the three cowboys being Tres Amigo's or ZZ Top!? I think you need to show the QR code penetrating his eye (and brain). If the misdirection was competing Big Oil companies. As written it just seems a bloodbath. Best - JtF

ZZ Top would have been funny!

I like the idea of the QR code penetrating his brain.  Would make for a nice scene, and a challenge to write!

Wasn’t necessarily thinking competing oil companies more than I was thinking the big money corporations who seem to have control over everything. Getting a bit cynical in my old age.

Hi

Just read this, and the first thing that popped into my mind was: This should be a feature. It could also be like a political thriller or something. Manchurian Candidate anyone?

But it would also work so well if a social media company like pivoted to this sort of insidious covert brainwashing (cut out the hassle, you know) by using their social media platform, and then they use it to make you buy things. Until one fateful day of course, when it's hijacked by *blank* and they do *blank* with it. Oh no!

In any case, really enjoyed this, what an interesting (if not terrifying) idea.

Quoted from ArmyOfBarkness Hi Just read this, and the first thing that popped into my mind was: This should be a feature. It could also be like a political thriller or something. Manchurian Candidate anyone? But it would also work so well if a social media company like pivoted to this sort of insidious covert brainwashing (cut out the hassle, you know) by using their social media platform, and then they use it to make you buy things. Until one fateful day of course, when it's hijacked by *blank* and they do *blank* with it. Oh no! In any case, really enjoyed this, what an interesting (if not terrifying) idea.

Well thanks. Thats a great idea you have. I always get that — this should be a feature! Never fails.