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  Author    Is That A Tear?  (currently 1580 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2023, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Is That A Tear? by Steven A Clark - Short, Dramedy - When a man discovers his wife's been cheating, he doesn't get mad. He gets even. 7 pages - pdf format

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LC
Posted: April 24th, 2023, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice, Steve.

Some SPOILERS may follow.


You got me! I was along for the deceptive ride, but...

At risk of the twist and reveal being for the audience's sake only and feeling a bit duped (because it really is to lead us down the garden path,) I think Mark needs to make a comment to his wife about her exceptional acting skills which would then tie in  cleverly to the 'tear' at the end. **

AUDREY
I’ll  get  into  it.

Should that be: get on it?

DOUGLAS
Not  laying  around,  no.

Should be 'lying around' but it's dialogue so you can ignore that. Purely so you know.

I loved the very apt role-playing here.
Terms of endearment go out the window and overcompensating with addressing the person by name repeatedly is a very keen human observation.

** You know what? I read it again. Scrap what I suggested above. This is their game and they're both getting off in it. I love the more subtle approach and the 'script' comment and the 'tear' work way better than spelling it out with articulating her acting skills.

I just had a creepy thought though cause she's essentially prostituting herself. Eww. I suppose there are people like this - all about the money.
Btw, love the second amendment threat.

Hope this gets picked up.


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steven8
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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It works. It's good.  But I've got the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I've read or seen this scenario before.  Husband and wife scam where she sleeps with guys then he blackmails them.  I've searched and not found anything, but it just feels so familiar.  I'll keep hunting.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Very nice, Steve.

Some SPOILERS may follow.


You got me! I was along for the deceptive ride, but...

At risk of the twist and reveal being for the audience's sake only and feeling a bit duped (because it really is to lead us down the garden path,) I think Mark needs to make a comment to his wife about her exceptional acting skills which would then tie in  cleverly to the 'tear' at the end. **

AUDREY
I’ll  get  into  it.

Should that be: get on it?

DOUGLAS
Not  laying  around,  no.

Should be 'lying around' but it's dialogue so you can ignore that. Purely so you know.

I loved the very apt role-playing here.
Terms of endearment go out the window and overcompensating with addressing the person by name repeatedly is a very keen human observation.

** You know what? I read it again. Scrap what I suggested above. This is their game and they're both getting off in it. I love the more subtle approach and the 'script' comment and the 'tear' work way better than spelling it out with articulating her acting skills.

I just had a creepy thought though cause she's essentially prostituting herself. Eww. I suppose there are people like this - all about the money.
Btw, love the second amendment threat.

Hope this gets picked up.


Thanks for getting on this so quick, Libby! I’m glad it worked for you. Without much backstory here, I think it’s jumping the gun to say she’s just prostituting herself for no good reason. There may be a very good reason. If this were ever turned into a feature thAts something that could be explored. But as a short I understand why you feel that way. Kinda like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. They needed the money, a fresh start.

I’m a fan of the Second Amendment line too. That was a last minute addition, basically alluding to the possibility he’d shoot him if he tried anything funny.

Anyway, appreciate the read, as always.

Steve



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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
It works. It's good.  But I've got the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I've read or seen this scenario before.  Husband and wife scam where she sleeps with guys then he blackmails them.  I've searched and not found anything, but it just feels so familiar.  I'll keep hunting.


Thanks for reading, Steve. I’m sure I’m not the first to come up with this idea, but I don’t recall reading anything on SS. That’s not to say it isn’t here, though. Thanks again.


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kcranford
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I read this and even though personally the subject matter had a little “cringe factor” I was hooked and had to see how it ended. Your writing is excellent as always and the story has a great “didn’t see it coming” twist to the end. What I also wanted to comment on aside from this short was another of yours that was the featured short script of the day from this past weekend. I’ve been trying to give a read to some of those also.  I think the script was from 2020 and I apologize that I don’t remember the title but it was about a young man who learns he has cancer and his attempts to make lasting memories with his young son. The story was so poignant and well written, I read it through twice. Now about that one, if you ask me “Is That A Tear”?  My response would be a definite yes. Great job. Always enjoy your writing.

Kathy


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LC
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Quoted from SAC
... Without much backstory here, I think it’s jumping the gun to say she’s just prostituting herself for no good reason. There may be a very good reason. If this were ever turned into a feature thats something that could be explored. But as a short I understand why you feel that way.     ...


Yep to the latter.
This particular script can only be judged as a standalone Short. No motivation is presented for either character other than greed, and a delight in them both enjoying playing the game, so I don't think my observations were a stretch.

And at the same time, like I said, I enjoyed it as is because you effectively pulled the rug out from under the reader. Ruthless characters can be fun to watch which is why Succession is so popular.

I think I can assume then (based on your comments) that this is primer for a bigger story?


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steven8
Posted: April 26th, 2023, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


Thanks for reading, Steve. I’m sure I’m not the first to come up with this idea, but I don’t recall reading anything on SS. That’s not to say it isn’t here, though. Thanks again.


Not here on SS.  I'm fairly certain it was on a British show.  My wife and I mostly watch UK television. Anyway, that is why I wasn't actually surprised it was a team effort.  In the back of my head, I saw it coming.  Weird.  I still can't find it.  searching the internet for this 'subject', comes up with some pretty ugly stuff.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 26th, 2023, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from kcranford
Steve, I read this and even though personally the subject matter had a little “cringe factor” I was hooked and had to see how it ended. Your writing is excellent as always and the story has a great “didn’t see it coming” twist to the end. What I also wanted to comment on aside from this short was another of yours that was the featured short script of the day from this past weekend. I’ve been trying to give a read to some of those also.  I think the script was from 2020 and I apologize that I don’t remember the title but it was about a young man who learns he has cancer and his attempts to make lasting memories with his young son. The story was so poignant and well written, I read it through twice. Now about that one, if you ask me “Is That A Tear”?  My response would be a definite yes. Great job. Always enjoy your writing.

Kathy


Hi Kathy,

Thanks for checking this out. Doesn’t seem to be exactly your taste but thanks for sticking with it. Very now and then I like to explore the darker side.

In regards to that other short, I know exactly which one you’re talking about. Funny, someone bumped it not too long ago and I saw it on the boards and clicked on it not even realizing it was mine. I was like this looks familiar, then read a little and realize it was indeed mine. I’m glad that touched you. It’s always sort of my goal to do that.

Thanks again!

Steve


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steven8
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


Not here on SS.  I'm fairly certain it was on a British show.  My wife and I mostly watch UK television. Anyway, that is why I wasn't actually surprised it was a team effort.  In the back of my head, I saw it coming.  Weird.  I still can't find it.  searching the internet for this 'subject', comes up with some pretty ugly stuff.


I trust my wife's memory implicitly.  She says we've never watched a show with this theme.  It must be so.  Anyway, I want to make sure you realize I was in no way trying to accuse you of anything illicit.  It is a really cool story, and like the others, I'd love to see it filmed.  there is a very good chance that it was so vividly written, that's why it seemed so real to me.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


Yep to the latter.
This particular script can only be judged as a standalone Short. No motivation is presented for either character other than greed, and a delight in them both enjoying playing the game, so I don't think my observations were a stretch.

And at the same time, like I said, I enjoyed it as is because you effectively pulled the rug out from under the reader. Ruthless characters can be fun to watch which is why Succession is so popular.

I think I can assume then (based on your comments) that this is primer for a bigger story?


You’re right. I guess the reason I’m saying that there can be a different motivations is because I’m the one thinking of this in my head.

And no, this isn’t something bigger. Or is it? I’ve always been attracted to the idea of a grift gone wrong so there may be something more to this down the road.


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SAC
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Quoted from steven8


I trust my wife's memory implicitly.  She says we've never watched a show with this theme.  It must be so.  Anyway, I want to make sure you realize I was in no way trying to accuse you of anything illicit.  It is a really cool story, and like the others, I'd love to see it filmed.  there is a very good chance that it was so vividly written, that's why it seemed so real to me.


You’re right. If the wife says it, it is so. I don’t know about the vividly written thing, but I appreciate the compliment, Steve.


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irish eyes
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Mark Eh??

I tell you one story about me and the missus

It was clever, bud; I guess whatever pays the bills if Mark is happy with it Although not morally right.
But then again maybe they're in open marriage

I had written something similar years ago, more of a short scene based on the indecent proposal scene at the pool table.
Of course, Robert Redford asked to pay a Million bucks to sleep with Demi Moore.
My characters accepted in a heartbeat because they were brother and sister, not husband and wife

Well written as usual.




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SAC
Posted: April 28th, 2023, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Mark Eh??

I tell you one story about me and the missus

It was clever, bud; I guess whatever pays the bills if Mark is happy with it Although not morally right.
But then again maybe they're in open marriage

I had written something similar years ago, more of a short scene based on the indecent proposal scene at the pool table.
Of course, Robert Redford asked to pay a Million bucks to sleep with Demi Moore.
My characters accepted in a heartbeat because they were brother and sister, not husband and wife

Well written as usual.




Thanks for reading, bro. There’s that Indecent Proposal reference again. What a great movie. Gotta watch that again. Thanks!


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rc1107
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I love scam stories! And this one doesn't disappoint!

Just some quick typos that jumped out at me:

Pg. 3:

- "Twenty-five thousand and *this all goes away."
- "I'm sure you could rustle up *an extra ten."

Pg. 4:

- "She about to."  (I'm not sure if that's supposed to be "*She's about to" or not because now that I think back about it, "She about to" sounds pretty ghetto thug gangster tough, and I kinda like it.)

I also love how that line builds up surprise and I can't wait to see where it goes from here!

All in all, a clever little con story! Like I said I'm a huge fan of them.  This one is very reminiscent of the popular 'Glim Dropper' grift, although you take it to a much more cuckold version of the scam. (You know I'm always here for darker versions of things!)

In fact, I'm wondering if that's where 'steven8' might remember this from. (Sorry steven8, it's been years and I totally forget how to mention quoted text!) There's been quite a few movies that are based off 'The Glim Dropper' scam. 'Criminal' with Diego Luna and John C. Reilly (adapted from Nine Queens) is one example that comes to mind.

Not saying that 'Is That a Tear?' is a rip-off of any sort. It's very stand alone. It's just reminiscent of the con.

Great job on the writing and dialogue, as well! I did like the ominous 'second amendment' threat to really amp up the tension, but my favorite line is 'By fucking rote.' Definitely an underused phrase that you punched up with the 'f' word!

All in all, and interesting tale that's short, sweet, and packs a punch that could probably be explored some more should you ever choose to!

- Mark


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ColinS
Posted: April 28th, 2023, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve

Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.

Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.

Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it

Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.

Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.

Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.

Good work, cheers


"Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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SAC
Posted: April 29th, 2023, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
I love scam stories! And this one doesn't disappoint!

Just some quick typos that jumped out at me:

Pg. 3:

- "Twenty-five thousand and *this all goes away."
- "I'm sure you could rustle up *an extra ten."

Pg. 4:

- "She about to."  (I'm not sure if that's supposed to be "*She's about to" or not because now that I think back about it, "She about to" sounds pretty ghetto thug gangster tough, and I kinda like it.)

I also love how that line builds up surprise and I can't wait to see where it goes from here!

All in all, a clever little con story! Like I said I'm a huge fan of them.  This one is very reminiscent of the popular 'Glim Dropper' grift, although you take it to a much more cuckold version of the scam. (You know I'm always here for darker versions of things!)

In fact, I'm wondering if that's where 'steven8' might remember this from. (Sorry steven8, it's been years and I totally forget how to mention quoted text!) There's been quite a few movies that are based off 'The Glim Dropper' scam. 'Criminal' with Diego Luna and John C. Reilly (adapted from Nine Queens) is one example that comes to mind.

Not saying that 'Is That a Tear?' is a rip-off of any sort. It's very stand alone. It's just reminiscent of the con.

Great job on the writing and dialogue, as well! I did like the ominous 'second amendment' threat to really amp up the tension, but my favorite line is 'By fucking rote.' Definitely an underused phrase that you punched up with the 'f' word!

All in all, and interesting tale that's short, sweet, and packs a punch that could probably be explored some more should you ever choose to!

- Mark


Mark — Glad you liked this! The “she about to” line really should have been “she’s.” But I agree the thug gangsta way works just as well, tho that’s not quite what I had in mind. Only you would call me out on that.

I’m not sure about the grift you’re referencing, but I do like the tension these sort of stories immediately build. It’s almost a cheat, but you need to do it well. Not sure if I’m exploring this further but a different version has been floating around in my empty head for quite some time.

Anyway, thanks for commenting. Good to see you around as I remember you’re one of the first writers here who always took an interest in my stories from the get-go.

Steve


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rc1107
Posted: April 29th, 2023, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Haha! Actually, in a time long ago and a place far away, 'The Glim Dropper' was the one of the first scripts I ever posted on SS!

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1193598748/

It's just a basic story of how the grift works.


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SAC
Posted: April 29th, 2023, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Very cool. Happy to give a 16yo script a bump when I get a chance.


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SAC
Posted: April 30th, 2023, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ColinS
Hi Steve

Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.

Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.

Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it

Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.

Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.

Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.

Good work, cheers


Colin,

Thanks for reading. Tension is everything, right? Glad you felt it right from the start.

Interesting idea of having Douglas in the house with them. I never thought of that, but I’m pretty satisfied with what I got. The role play, as it plays out, is necessary for the story. I’m glad you think it has potential. We’ll see! Thanks again.

Steve


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eldave1
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Quite liked this - did not see that twist coming


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
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Haha, good family business. I've read one somewhat like this but it wasn't as good. You know what you're doing I guess!
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kcranford
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Quoted from ColinS
Hi Steve

Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.

Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.

Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it

Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.

Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.

Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.

Good work, cheers



Colin, my take on this was (since the whole theme is kinda kinky) that this acting between them was some sort of “turn on” for them - a kind of play on men playing the voyeur while their wife is with someone else. That may be way off base but that was the way it read to me. LOL only Steve knows what the true intent of that scene was.


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steven8
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Quoted from kcranford

Colin, my take on this was (since the whole theme is kinda kinky) that this acting between them was some sort of “turn on” for them - a kind of play on men playing the voyeur while their wife is with someone else. That may be way off base but that was the way it read to me. LOL only Steve knows what the true intent of that scene was.


I read it that way, too.  I also read it as what might happen if two sociopaths fell in love and found a common purpose.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
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Quoted from eldave1
Quite liked this - did not see that twist coming


Thanks, Dave, appreciate the read. It’s taken me years to write a twist no one saw coming!


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SAC
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Quoted from khamanna
Haha, good family business. I've read one somewhat like this but it wasn't as good. You know what you're doing I guess!


Thanks for the read, Kham. Actually, I know nothing. I guess.


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steven8
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Quoted from SAC


Thanks for the read, Kham. Actually, I know nothing. I guess.


Oh, don't be a sad SAC!  It's a great script.  I can see the whole thing playing out so clearly.  The actors, the locations.  It's got a lot of texture.  I'd love to direct it, but I haven't a bean or time to do anything like that.

I'm so sorry I ever said anything about it seeming familiar.  Seems I've done a lot of damage.  I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
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Quoted from steven8


Oh, don't be a sad SAC!  It's a great script.  I can see the whole thing playing out so clearly.  The actors, the locations.  It's got a lot of texture.  I'd love to direct it, but I haven't a bean or time to do anything like that.

I'm so sorry I ever said anything about it seeming familiar.  Seems I've done a lot of damage.  I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.


We’re cool. Nothing I said was in response to your comments about it seeming familiar. I was just messing around when answering Kham, so all is good.


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steven8
Posted: May 3rd, 2023, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


We’re cool. Nothing I said was in response to your comments about it seeming familiar. I was just messing around when answering Kham, so all is good.


- wish we had a thumbs up emoji!


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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rc1107
Posted: May 4th, 2023, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Don't wish about a thumbs up emoji, steven8. Steven A. Clark is not actually cool with you. He's just talking shit. I know because we've been friends on FB for 11 years and 2 days. He actually said you're the fourth best 'Steven' on the site, and that's only because the other 4 are spelled with a 'ph'. He told me that's why your name's steven8.

Not trying to cause drama or anything...


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SAC
Posted: May 4th, 2023, 6:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from rc1107
Don't wish about a thumbs up emoji, steven8. Steven A. Clark is not actually cool with you. He's just talking shit. I know because we've been friends on FB for 11 years and 2 days. He actually said you're the fourth best 'Steven' on the site, and that's only because the other 4 are spelled with a 'ph'. He told me that's why your name's steven8.

Not trying to cause drama or anything...


See, this is what happens when you unknowingly befriend Ohioans, then spurn their repeated sexual advances.


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steven8
Posted: May 4th, 2023, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


See, this is what happens when you unknowingly befriend Ohioans, then spurn their repeated sexual advances.


Especially those guys in Youngstown.  They're all in the Mafia, you know.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 4th, 2023, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy, Steven,

Nothing I can really point out to critique. Does a good job setting up everything. Not quite sure how hooked I'd be without the twist. That aside, dug the premise. Not sure how original it is, but, hey, it's all in the execution anywaz. Enjoyed the dialogue. Definitely would be easy to film.

Sorry, no substantive comments. Best of Irish luck with it. -A


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SAC
Posted: May 5th, 2023, 6:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Ahoy, Steven,

Nothing I can really point out to critique. Does a good job setting up everything. Not quite sure how hooked I'd be without the twist. That aside, dug the premise. Not sure how original it is, but, hey, it's all in the execution anywaz. Enjoyed the dialogue. Definitely would be easy to film.

Sorry, no substantive comments. Best of Irish luck with it. -A


Andrea,

Thanks for checking this out. Exactly on the twist. Not every story needs one but it sure helps. Glad you mentioned the dialogue. That’s one thing I’ve been aware of that I need to punch up and make character-specific. Another trusted writer recently told me that some of my characters sound the same regarding dialogue, so adding in little nuances goes a long way to making a better script.

Thanks again!

Steve


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