Surprise-Surprise by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Rom Com - A surprise secret could tear this family apart. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I didn't see that one coming!  

Here are a few notes:

>A couple is hugged on a car in the lot of this Mansion.

I didn’t understand “is hugged on a car” and so it stalled me out.

The following seemed to appear out of the blue.

>Alana has roses in her hand as well.


>Tony and Alana puts on their best smile then opens the door.

Make it:

They put on their best smiles then open the door.

>Mark and Janice are smiling.

A repeat of the smile action.

Why does Alana have roses?

>MARK
Nobody is messing with my babies job.

baby’s

>ALANA (to Janice)
Have you two been intimate? This question catches them off guard but Mark doesn’t seem to mind. Janice quickly sips her champagne.

I felt this was not realistic, but after reading the whole thing, I think you were going for that affect-- where people are going, "Really!"

One of my first notes:

At the table, they are talking like Janice isn’t there.

But now I realize that she simply couldn’t hardly speak.

Nicely done. Just work out a few of the kinks. A bit of grammar, odd turns of phrase etc, but the story is good.