A Silent Attempt by Leonor Gomes - Short, Thriller, Suspense - When danger enters a girl's house, the swinging of her objects in her room saves her even when she cannot hear them. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Since you have requested feedback for your script I can offer some for you to chew over.

Check grammar and spelling mistakes.

As there is only Avery and the Man, you do not need to keep repeating her name.

I would recommend using INTERCUT, instead of DISSOLVES TO.

I think it would add more tension if we can see both of them at the same time, going from place to place.

You also need to omit the Celtx footer. It is a distraction.

I enjoyed the story though and feel this is a part of something bigger.

Thanks for sharing.

This is a profoundly difficult and challenging piece of work. I am impressed. It took me a couple of reads to realize that Avery is deaf. I think that's due more to my thickness than your writing.

There are places where you break the "Show, don't Tell" rule in that the sensations Avery feels cannot be filmed. Things like feeling a vibration in the wall as you have written it doesn't quite do it. More description is necessary.

I would suggest that when the door bangs the wall and she has her back leaning on it, pictures hanging on the wall jump. In addition, she bolts off the couch and looks at the wall.

Rather than feel the flutter under her feet, she can go down on all fours and press on the floor with her hands. While it is a little inaccurate, the extra motion provides the drama to communicate that she is feeling something we hear.

The vibration of the water in the glass nails it. We as an audience need more descriptions like that.

I know you are explaining things to an actor who will perform this. You need to make the motions more dramatic to pass that knowledge to the audience.  In summary:  Think like a mime.

That's about all I can add to John's comments. Like I said, I was very impressed with this and your story kept me riveted.