New York State of Mind by George Snow - Thriller - In NYC, a midwestern woman's dream job turns into a nightmare when she becomes the prime suspect in a killing spree that targets her pretentious co-workers. 101 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Snowman,

I checked out “New York State of Mind” and found it fun to read and nicely written. It has a quirky vibe that I feel readers would need to embrace from the beginning. I'm guessing this quirky edge is intentional?

A lot of interesting characters for sure, whether it be the stout-hearted Ginna, the “Clique” and the two detectives. They were perhaps my highlight - never recognising Ginna, lol

I enjoyed the suspense you built for the murder scenes. However, you might consider adding a bit more menace to the scene where the two thugs are shot. It felt abrupt, especially since it’s the first on-screen murder.

Your story consistently maintains the intrigue of who is behind the misdeeds, and I believe you throw quite a few red hearings into the mix, which should keep readers and viewers guessing.

Whilst I liked most of your dialogue (a fair bit of subtext going on, which I like), there were some instances where it read as just strange. For example —

Quoted Text DA Involved in what? Chrissy Johnson, what’s the motive? Kill the kindness? I agree with you, she’s the key. She’s not involved. You’re barking up the wrong tree. Look into her life. That’s where you’ll find the killer.

I can’t make sense of that on paper - it’s like he’s dismissing it but also telling them to look into it?

There’s also a bit of weirdness in some scenes that might be explained by the “quirky vibe.” For instance, on page 86, why does Ginna refuse to come out from under the bed? And why doesn’t Frank find that weird?

Don’t think you need a new slug on page 79 for — INT. RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH -NIGHT
Probably just something like —

‘RESTAURANT PHONE BOOTH - LATER

Gina stands with the receiver to her ear.’

The ending is clever but it’s very busy - quite a few revelations and twists. To be honest, Ginna’s arc left a bitter taste in my mouth - to do what she does, just to get poor Frank's job!

To be fair, not all stories don’t need good people - just interesting characters who will do whatever it takes to get to where they want to be.  Yours definitely nails that and there was plenty to enjoy. Again, the writing was accomplished!

Cheers
Colin

Thank you. I live on quirky. I'm a freak my entire life.

I worked in live  theatre for a decade (stage manager) so I cen answer both your issues. I'm extremely tight on characters.

The police believe she's either involved or the killer. Before someone can be arrested (unless they're arrested at the scene of the crime) the police bring their evidence to the DA to see if they can make a case. The DA not close to the investigation sees it much more clearly.

Why would she kill Chrissie who was kind and gave her a perm? The cat tie proves she couldn't have killed the thugs, she was talking to the them. Did she leave and find them?

He realizes all the killings revolve around her. So, look into the people around her. That would be people in Ohio. That's where they find her es-boss' dead wife.

When she went to his apartment, she thought he was separated. Who shows up? She's humiliated. That's why she won't come out. He actually apologizes as he exits.

Both of these are within character motivation.

Thank you for reading it. If you have a script up here, I'll take a look in a few days. I'm in the middle of a screenplay voting process, and it's taking up 80% of my time. It ends tomorrow at midnight.

Point me in the direction of your script, I can't find anything on here yet. Just KNOW, I am a TOUGH reviewer. It's not to be mean, it's to make the person a better writer. I am an excellent reader.

I do have a feature script listed this week named Middle Man Mick. It's comedy/sci fi - If you get a chance to check it out, your feedback will always be appreicated even if it's hard as nails.

It being a comedy, I might be in trouble if you're in no mood for some laughs  

I was drawn to this from the title. I didn't come across any geographic inconsistencies so you seem to be from the area. I was floored by the ending. Totally. Just when you think you know someone... WTF!!???  

Nice.

I agree with Colin that the ending is a little involved. I had to read it a few times to follow what had happened. I ultimately didn't find any plot holes and it's possible that when filmed, it won't seem so confusing.

I would also add that there is a lot of buildup.  I like buildup and believe that a story is as much or more about the journey than the end. However, in this case, there was a lot of detail in the buildup. It slowed the reading down. It took me two nights to read this.

Anyway, I'm sick of sweet, innocent protagonists. To me, this truly embodies the New York state of mind.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I was drawn to this from the title. I didn't come across any geographic inconsistencies so you seem to be from the area. I was floored by the ending. Totally. Just when you think you know someone... WTF!!???   Nice. I agree with Colin that the ending is a little involved. I had to read it a few times to follow what had happened. I ultimately didn't find any plot holes and it's possible that when filmed, it won't seem so confusing. I would also add that there is a lot of buildup.  I like buildup and believe that a story is as much or more about the journey than the end. However, in this case, there was a lot of detail in the buildup. It slowed the reading down. It took me two nights to read this. Anyway, I'm sick of sweet, innocent protagonists. To me, this truly embodies the New York state of mind.

THANK YOU. It really is the NY State of mind. I lived in the city for 3 years. But, I partied in the city for 30 years. I lived in the clubs and concert halls.

I live in PA now, and went back a few Sundays ago to pick up a Canon XL-1 that I leant to my DP a decade ago. I got to the city early walked downtown, and there's nothing of value left there. I walked up to 72nd St to get Grey's Papaya hot dogs. Truly the best hot dogs in the world. They were even featured in the movie "Fools Rush In" with Matthew Perry and Selma Hyack. Back in the 80s and 90s their recession special was two hot dogs and a soda for $1.95. It's now $8.

NY still has Broadway and Lincoln Center. Besides that, there's nothing left. Box stores are everywhere. Most of the mom and pop shops are gone. I think there might be more homeless in NY than rent payers. I won't be going back any time soon.

If you have a script up, let me know, and I'll take a look.