The Confession by 0 - Short, Action - As the end of the world approaches, a man attempts to receive forgiveness by an old friend - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Code A largely empty airport with little noise but the one coming from a television playing CNN above benches.

Not good to mess up the first line. The noise coming from the TV isn't just one noise unless it's static. As it's a news show then there will be different noises. You could delete 'the one' and replace with 'that' Also '...playing CNN above benches' reads awkwardly.

Code "End of times in imminent. Apocalyptic storm now approaching East Coast after taking down all of the West Coast."

Typo, and not tight enough for an actual chyron.

Why is he fighting with Security? Why are they fighting with him?

Story is very weak.

Writing: 3
Story: 0.75

Total: 1.87

I like the concept behind it. I felt like the story was way too scattered for a five-pager. I would have loved if you expanded on the idea of the security guards being sticklers for rules despite the imminent apocalypse. But once you diverged toward a different storyline related to a confession of an old sin, the script lost its balance for me.

Your dialogue needs more work to make it more enjoyable to read. You are just stating things as they are, which isn't entertaining.

Good job on accomplishing this within the time given!

Best of luck

Take what you like... Or curse me to the 3rd circle of hell... either way.

I wanted to like this, really I did, but it felt too... too... what's the words I'm looking for... oh yeah, on-the-nose dialogue.

I hardly call it a good evening, if you are about to die.  They all seem pretty calm.

The writing could be tighter.

Spellcheck is your friend.

All for a bike.   JMHO, it was weak.

Having said that, with a little spit and polish, this could be a nice little short.

Ghostie

I like the premise, even if the weathermen failed to describe it properly.

The dialogue, particularly the security guards and Leo, was squarely on the nose... which happens in an early draft.  Would like to see that polished if you decide to turn this into a real short.

The first slugline's time is "continuous." Continuous from the title page?

I thought it was cute, but not believable.  

Why didn't he just ask for a charger?  Or go to the apple store and steal one?  It's empty.

There were a zillion other things he could have done.

Why was he asleep in the first place?  You're telling me that the storm happened while he was sleeping with no advance notice?

And the payoff wasn't great either.  

This could be good, but, it needs work and the logic needs to be fixed.

Good job on entering.  It was not an easy challenge.

Dan

For me none of the characters acted in a realistic way for the situation and some of the plot devices aren't plausible. E.g. a passport is usually used to allow you to make international travel, I've never heard of one that allows only domestic travel!  

I’m on page one and my first question is if it’s the end of the world why is CNN still broadcasting? Surely they would be with their families.

Quoted Text SECURITY 2 We know what's happening. But our families are far away from this place. We might as well die doing our jobs.

Said no one ever.

Quoted Text JADEN Yes. I was the one who stole your bike in third grade. I really wanted it, stole it and later destroyed it out of guilt. Please... please Jaden! Please forgive me!

It’s the end of the world, I feel like your stakes need to be much, much higher.

This doesn’t work for me on any level. It’s all very unrealistic. The newsreader, the guards, the call, the caller’s reaction.

Ok, I really enjoyed it. Very nice. And great ending.

The writing is a bit messy. I thought some of the dialog was a bit on the nose - like the guard's speech about their families being away.
"confess to you" I think.

I even wanted to say that a non-native wrote it. I enjoy saying this as people often say it to me and this is a way to give back.
ok, kidding.

But this could use another rewrite. Especially the fight scene.
How's that he knocked out all the guards and they really took time to come to their senses?

But it's still a fun one. And something I enjoyed. You added comedy - nice.

Thank you to everyone who commented! This is my first competition here and I got some very helpful feedback and saw some great work.

The main challenge here was figuring out what someone would be doing at an airport when the world is about to end. Where would someone fly to?

I definitely know I need to work on my dialogue more. This is not the first script I hear that the lines are too 'on-the-nose'. It definitely validates that issue and it's something I know for sure I need to work on a bit more in the future.

Quoted from khamanna I even wanted to say that a non-native wrote it. I enjoy saying this as people often say it to me and this is a way to give back. ok, kidding.

How is that a criticism though? Non-natives write some of the best scripts out there. Guillermo del Toro is a non-native. Iñárritu is a non-native. Roman Polanski is a non-native. (Though he had other issues, aside from writing).

I know this is posted some time ago Martin, but I’ve wanted to have a look at this for a while as  you’ve looked at a few of mine. I agree with a lot of what has been said, but think these are relatively easy fixes for a 5 page script.
Basically the story itself is ideally suited to make as a short. One location, a nearly deserted airport. I liked the phone all with Leo, and the twist.
The asking for quarters from the fallen security guards was funny, but maybe out of place, I myself though did like that abrupt ending.

Some typos remain, I think this is definitely salvageable and you should have another go at it.