The Tenacious Willie O'Ree by Gordie Howe Hat-Trick - Short, Drama, Sports - The first black NHL player fights for acceptance. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not bad

I might have placed this (SUPER wise) a few years back.

Those who are not familiar with hockey may have a hard time visualizing some of the action.  

Obviously a hockey fan at work here. While the writing is deft, I’m not really drawn to the story. Felt more like a sports report than a story to me. Still good writing on display here.

Best,
Gary

Quite a full story for one page. Not really a sports film fan, but I think the shortness helped. Well written, well done.

I'm only vaguely aware of ice hockey and was wary when the script started with a camera move.

I struggled to follow the action but did get the theme, which was laudable.

Not bad, decent story overall.  

Big hockey fan here. Description was well written. I followed the action easily.

Felt the "five seconds" line was bit on the nose. The script had already done the work.

Well... it's a great narrative but I'm not sure how well this would translate to the screen. How would you film five seconds of acceptance? Unless there's commentary, I think it would fall flat.

This is less of a story and more of a transcript of sports commentary. Didn’t work for me.

Did you not FADE IN or OUT to meet the page requirement?

What a dummy, I voted without posting my comment and then it disappeared.

Huge hockey fan here. Played into my late 20s, and never miss a game on TV.

Willie O'Ree was hockey's Jackie Robinson. Glad to see him get theatrical treatment here.

This was brave, writing about hockey. I know people are probably going to mark you down for it.  And the last line does editorialize instead of show.

The on-ice action is written competently, and the racism is shown subtly yet starkly. If you had more than one page, you could have dialed in on the irony of Willie being ostracized one minute and then celebrated the next. But not going to penalize you because you wrote under the restrictions.

Nice job!

I wrote about fishing in the last round; glad to see someone else try a sports script. I don't follow hockey, but the script makes the action vivid enough. I followed it all. Thanks for introducing us to Willie. You captured his situation, and the overall scene, very well. I was a sports writer at one time and appreciate the skill you display.

The Tenacious Willie O'Ree

I like this one a lot. Great delivery, it felt as if I were live in the hockey rink. It also has its historical importance if I understand it correct. The emotional dramatic beats in the set-up were also well-placed and felt profound. Truly a great delivery of action and motion. Therefore I must give it a
5

I don't know the player and I don't know the game. Ice hockey isn't much of a thing here is Oz so this on is lost on me.

The heart of the story is the minority having his day. I'm a bit over these kinds of stories, even though they are socially relevant. We all get it, racism is bad.

Writer,

Pretty good! Great job of giving us the feeling of being on the ice. Saw every action as you described it. Not a complete story (hard to do) but entertaining nevertheless.

Steve

Quoted from Warren I'm a bit over these kinds of stories, even though they are socially relevant. We all get it, racism is bad.

I think you're missing the point, Warren. Not everyone knows racism is bad.

The 62MM people in the U.S. who voted for a President who was federally indicted for refusing to rent apartments to Blacks, and who called neo-Nazis "some very fine people" don't know racism is bad.

The former skinheads who grew their hair out and became police officers and who are now shooting unarmed Black youths 8 times in the back don't know racism is bad.

Those who support mass deportations of immigrants while not understanding how financially difficult we make it to become a citizen - while the California produce crops rot, btw, because the 'immigrants taking less money for jobs that Americans are willing to do' is bs - don't know racism is bad.

Yes, we all "know" racism is bad. So is rape. Or human trafficking. Or cheating on your partner. So where are the stories we're still allowed to tell?

AJR

Sub-par

Quoted from ajr I think you're missing the point, Warren. Not everyone knows racism is bad. The 62MM people in the U.S. who voted for a President who was federally indicted for refusing to rent apartments to Blacks, and who called neo-Nazis "some very fine people" don't know racism is bad. The former skinheads who grew their hair out and became police officers and who are now shooting unarmed Black youths 8 times in the back don't know racism is bad. Those who support mass deportations of immigrants while not understanding how financially difficult we make it to become a citizen - while the California produce crops rot, btw, because the 'immigrants taking less money for jobs that Americans are willing to do' is bs - don't know racism is bad. Yes, we all "know" racism is bad. So is rape. Or human trafficking. Or cheating on your partner. So where are the stories we're still allowed to tell? AJR

Holy dooley!

Sorry, my comment wasn’t meant to start an uproar or a debate. I live in Australia, but I’m South African born. I lived there for the first 18 years of my life, trust me, I get racism.

It was a personal opinion, hence the words "I'm a bit over these", just like I don’t like westerns and they will get less interest from me just for being a western. In the same vein, stories about racial segregation will get less interest from me, as this one did.

I don’t speak for Trump, skinheads, or those who support mass deportations. Didn’t think I’d have to clear that up haha. I also don’t think that reading this script is going to miraculously convince Trump, skinheads, or those who support mass deportations that racism is bad.

Sorry if the word "we" lead you to believe that.

'He's bought himself five seconds of acceptance''

Nice line. I'm just not convinced (with what you've written)  you'll succeed in showing the inner struggle on screen.

Quoted from Warren Holy dooley! Sorry, my comment wasn’t meant to start an uproar or a debate. I live in Australia, but I’m South African born. I lived there for the first 18 years of my life, trust me, I get racism. It was a personal opinion, hence the words "I'm a bit over these", just like I don’t like westerns and they will get less interest from me just for being a western. In the same vein, stories about racial segregation will get less interest from me, as this one did. I don’t speak for Trump, skinheads, or those who support mass deportations. Didn’t think I’d have to clear that up haha. I also don’t think that reading this script is going to miraculously convince Trump, skinheads, or those who support mass deportations that racism is bad. Sorry if the word "we" lead you to believe that.

No I completely understand, and wasn't implying that you were racist for not liking this script. But you implied that the story wasn't worthy of being told because we all know that racism is bad. And I replied by saying that many things in this life are bad and we continue to tell stories about them.

And no, a single one-pager about the first black hockey player is not going to change a skinhead's mind. But maybe he was just introduced to many of you, and you might find something worthwhile in his struggle?

Not only is the story worth telling to combat the ignorant - stories, like votes, mean nothing on their own, but in the aggregate, like the peace protests in the 60s or MLK's active non-violent protests, they become a movement - but they are also worth telling because Willie O'Ree's struggle is different from Rosa Parks', or the Freedom Riders, or Jesse Owens', or Emmett Till's, or Ruby McCollum's. We celebrate their courage in the face of hate and cowardice.

Again, your personal preference can be your personal preference. Nevertheless it's a story worth telling. 'We get it, racism is bad' presumes to speak for me and countless others who think this world needs a reminder of the ugliness it spreads, and the courage that some display to combat it.

This story could benefit from some VO. Or not - it's just the last line "five minutes of acceptance" is a good one, but the audience won't see it unless said out loud. Too bad to waste that line.

The script works as is though - he's rejected even by the members of his team but he scores anyway.
One thing though - how his teammates can reject him? This is not believable to me because they practice together. If they are this way to Willie the coach would take him out of the team, I think.

These were incredibly complicated times, Khamanna, as sports along with everything else in America started to become integrated. Jackie Robinson was far from the best Black athlete of his generation; however he was the one who was mentally strong enough to handle the bigotry of his teammates and the fans, so he was handed the mantle.

If you saw the movie HIDDEN FIGURES you'd see that we depended on the contributions of many Black women, three in particular, to send our men into space, yet they had to run clear across the NASA complex to go to the Blacks only restroom.

Quoted from ajr If you saw the movie HIDDEN FIGURES you'd see that we depended on the contributions of many Black women, three in particular, to send our men into space, yet they had to run clear across the NASA complex to go to the Blacks only restroom.

I've heard about this movie and saw bits of it, but forgot to watch it. I hear what you're saying but with NASA women it's probably a little different. Hockey is a team sport. Why would they hire a black player if the things were that bad?
Not that I'm saying it didn't happen. The script is stating it's based on true events and you even cited the name of the black player in the team. I just have no idea why it happened - it would make sense if team sports waited till the integration is more or less on the way before hiring players of a different race.

In a nutshell, it takes one person to be the first, and then others follow...

Being from Buffalo, love hockey, hate the Bruins.

This was ambitious.  And a true story to boot.  

Khamanna, in those times, the Negro leagues were growing with great players.  Managers were looking for the next big thing and finally decided to try those leagues after depleting their other options.  But, the players and fans weren't ready for it.  Bigots never are.  They have change.  They make dumb arguments about how the Bible says we should keep the races segregated or how white men should be allowed to own other people.

Tensions still run high here.  For as far as we've come since Dr. King was assassinated, much much more work needs to be done.

The story gets a 5 from me.  

Dan

Quoted from DanC Being from Buffalo, love hockey, hate the Bruins. This was ambitious.  And a true story to boot.   Dan

Interesting. I originally wrote a longer comment, then you know…

Willie must've been a champion. I bet he'd be sad if people wouldn't see him as a player and sportsman only. Those champions don't hide behind excuses and politics. It's beneath their dignity.