My two cents, which according to some people, is about all my opinion is worth around here:

1. The writing is solid. Good and clean, a couple of places where you could make change to spruce it up, but overall very well drafted.

2. Story wise, I think it ran out of steam at the end. I felt that the ending was just a bit simplistic. Drive into storm, monster attacks, drive out of storm attack abruptly ends. If you’re going to incorporate a monster into this script, I figure out a way for Linden to finish him off. Now if this were part of a larger piece, I could live with that as the ending of Act One, for example, but probably not here.  Still, some nice action sequences on display here.

3. Characters. For me, this is the weakest part of the script, as I don’t feel like I wound up knowing anything about them. I think you kind of hinted around at some things, like Linden giving Mac a somewhat intimate hug or the scar on Kane’s face, but these were more surfacey  details and I’d like something more that attaches me to these characters.

Overall, very good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Writer,

This has, for me, a sort of Road Warrior vibe about it. Desolate wasteland, big vehicle... The only issue was I don’t think the question of WHY these people needed picking up in the first place was answered. I think without that, then they are just “there” to get you the right amount of characters. The other thing - this seemed very short for everything that was going on. Meaning, hate to say it, it reads more like a quick scene rather than a whole story. That said - I was entertained despite all of that. Loved the final shot of the town’s name. Very good.

Steve

I read this several times, then read the comments. I’ll try not to waste your time by doubling up on others’ comments regarding the technical details.

I thought this was well written. You did a great job with the description.

I’m torn by the pace. On one hand, I like scripts that take time to world build. On the other hand, while reading, I was leaning forward, past the first two pages. In hindsight, I wonder if the first two pages might be better spent on character relationships than world-building. I say that because, we’ve seen this world before and can quickly recognize where we are, but at the end of the script, I didn’t feel connected to the characters. Judging by Linden’s reaction (tears of joy), she wasn’t all that connected to them either.

Love the storm idea. Action was well written and well concieved. Overall, a very nice job. Should have advanced you, instead of me.

Warren - here were my comments. Hope they help.

The pace was great. It really moved along. The scenes were vivid.

Some nit issues:

Quoted Text LINDEN, 30, gas mask on, in the ragged remains of military uniform. A large backpack hangs on her shoulders beside an M16 rifle.

Like I said - a nit  issue, but Linden is so uncommon a name didn’t know the gender of the character. Obviously – quickly cleared up. But better if we know right off.

For the rewrite - she rushes in from nowhere – would like to see what she rushes in from. Know that you could not do that within the parameters given. Great opportunity to show more of the world here now that you're free of the restrictions.

I got a little confused her why Linden has her mask on but when Mac opens the bus door he doesn’t don his mask first. The air is contaminated enough for him to have a mask and for her to wear one - wouldn't he have to/want to put his on when he opens the door (i.e., the air would rush in)?  

Quoted Text Mac weaves through the stationary traffic.

I would add a - Linden fast asleep here. Have him glance at her - good chance to show his feelings towards her.

Quoted Text OPERATOR (V.O.) I don't want to alarm you, but the satellite's showing a storm headed your way. It’s small at the moment, but I really think you should come back soon.

Didn't ’t like the first line – he does want to alarm him really. I would delete it – just start with The satellite’s showing…I know it's picky - but it struck me that the Radio guy did want to alarm them.

Quoted Text They to have rifles and backpacks that seem to weigh heavily on their shoulders.

Should be "too" – not to.  Also I think better as:   Their rifles and backpacks weigh heavily on their shoulders.

Also – same gender issue here – is Cody male or female?

Never mind - got it.

Quoted Text The creature motions towards Linden.

Could use something more ominous than motions here (creeps? Slithers?)

At the end of the story – Mac and Linden are a little too happy for themselves given that their friends have died.  If it were me, I'd only have one of the twins die, - ergo creating the need for them to console the survivor at the end of the journey.

Overall – I thought this was real solid. You created a frightening new world, there was a nice level of tension throughout.

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on this.

You've given me some very valuable feedback that I will definitely be using in a rewrite.

Warren,

You’re here to entertain and this solid ‘Mad Mac’ (Mad Max) story was very entertaining.

Cheers,

Daniel

Thanks for the read, Daniel.

Glad you enjoyed it.