Another title for this could be Frozen Clones. That's flippant, I know, but it's my lame way of expressing what I see as the main problem here -- dull characters.

The extent of the descriptions: one "nerdy," one "husky," one "athletic," one "sleeping." Ages? "20s."

We know Chris didn't want to come at all. Mike apologizes a lot. Kyle thinks he's going to die. Ronnie at least does something -- makes a "warm-water" bottle and thinks up a way to get more battery juice.

But none of this is compelling enough to carry the script. This is one of those stories where nothing much happens, so the characters have to be strong.

My 2.1 cents (as adjusted for inflation):

1. Writing is good.  Technically sound, dialogue is believable, maybe on the nose a couple of times, but we�re all guilty of that. Action lines are sparse but that�s okay. Would rather have a lot of white space to make for an easier read.

2. Storyline is a bit weak, but I think that�s a function of where you have placed the situation. There�s not much for them to do but sit around and argue and talk about how they�re going to die. Just me, but I would have preferred a story more geared around them figuring out a way to get saved. As it is, it seems totally random when the helicopter shows up. Maybe the sheriff figured out where they were from the very brief call, but it just seems like a reach. Plus: everyone�s phones dying?  No one brought a charger?  Gas tank empty?  I could live with them all having power in their phones but no reception. That seems more logical.

3. Characters- I really didn�t learn anything about them or have any feelings for them. To me me, they were all interchangeable. If you do a rewrite, I would hope for a little bit of character building.  

Overall, nice job here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Read several times. First time, I didn’t even realize that Kyle had died. Completely missed it. If you rewrite this, maybe consider Kyle dying early. It would ramp up the tension considerably, and we’d have more time to spend with the other 3 characters.

I see the same problem in your script that I see in my entry. We just don’t know the characters well enough to truly feel their urgency. And, like mine, they don’t seem active enough in trying to escape their situation.

All in all, it’s well written. Fix the characters and I think this script will jump to life. Overall, a strong entry in a very difficult round.

My thoughts:

Quoted Text You need to wake him. His core temperature has dropped.

Last line of dialogue didn’t ring true here/was unnatural.  Just wake him is enough.

Quoted Text Ronnie ends the call quickly to conserve every pixel of battery life.

Why wouldn’t they have been powering off their phones to save battery life?

Warm piss as a heating device – thought that was real clever.

A little explanation of why they couldn’t have walked away would have been helpful.

Missing the VO on the phone call.

Solid writing for the time limit.  I would have liked a little more on their relationships, who they were etc. Like the she’s pregnant stuff at the end was good – wanted more of that upfront. I think it would also benefit from more of a staggered pace. Something like:

-First Act – they’re just kind of fucked – maybe a few hours in – do you got the normal bravado and banter among men.

-Second Act – hmm – okay, this may be serious – their tone is changing now.

- Third Act – they are fucked. Panic now – urgency.

Long winded way of saying that it would be better if it opened just before their troubles started  troubles rather than after they're screwed. Now that you are free of the parameters you can consider that.

Nice job.

Yep, see them at their best and get to know their happy lives before the shit hits the fan. Or, have the shit hit the fan first and then use cheapo flashbacks to fill in the backstory, or any mix of the two. It could be a low budget feature.

Been done a thousand times before, but they sell. Big prod cos like small budget scripts too, they just use the majority of the budget on a named face for the lead(s).

Quoted from DustinBowcot Yep, see them at their best and get to know their happy lives before the shit hits the fan. Or, have the shit hit the fan first and then use cheapo flashbacks to fill in the backstory, or any mix of the two. It could be a low budget feature. Been done a thousand times before, but they sell. Big prod cos like small budget scripts too, they just use the majority of the budget on a named face for the lead(s).

Funny that you should say that - when I read this my first reaction was that it had the bones for a feature.