The Source by John Stone - Play, Thriller - An impending implosion to planet Earth leads to dire consequences for the climate minster, his wife and a knowledgeable Samaritan. 51 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

New draft up. Thank you Don.

I enjoyed reading this again. I think it flows better with the longer buildup. It gave more of a sense that if the Implosion Resistance didn't get them, the implosion would.

I got a little confused with the announcement of Lord Overton's demise. The paragraph after the short pause (on page 45) doesn't read right. I get the impression you were in the middle of an edit changing a suicide to a murder. In any case I liked the change from a colleague to a member of the nobility and revealed them as the founder of the Implosion Resistance. It gave me a sense that the resistance is huge in its organization.

I'm not completely sure why Otto's picture was on the screen. I'm assuming that he's the man Scotland Yard is searching for and that he pushed Lord Overton to his demise. Perhaps if the news dialog was broken up by an action line revealing Otto's picture on the screen right before the line, "Police are looking for this man..." it would be made more clear and would read more like how I would experience it in the theatre.

Last but not least of all, I liked the change of Randall replacing Orbis. I like Randall better.

Hi Michael. I am so pleased you took the time to read the new draft. I�ve been attempting to get this one right from the get go. So, Lord Overton�s murder at Kings Cross stn was suggested that Otto is his killer, with his mugshot plastered on the news channel. However, he s not there to kill Randal and his wife. He is merely playing Good Samaritan, since he knows Randal is in real danger, during a night of the riots - Implosion Resistance v Anti- Rebellion. He also knows that Randal is a corporate fascist and supports the rebellion. Otto makes it his mission to protect him and Dawn. Randal�s killer is out there and waiting to strike. His opportunity comes abt when Otto opens the door. There is an early warning to this action when Randal opens the door for Otto to leave. The final action displays this, I think. However the Implosion occurs and all is lost. So the message is clear, I hope. Many thanks for reading and helping me to clear any confusions.

Your paragraph:

"I got a little confused with the announcement of Lord Overton's demise. The paragraph after the short pause (on page 45) doesn't read right. I get the impression you were in the middle of an edit changing a suicide to a murder. In any case I liked the change from a colleague to a member of the nobility and revealed them as the founder of the Implosion Resistance. It gave me a sense that the resistance is huge in its organization."

Yes you are right. i think it would work better with a video playing out of Otto pushing him onto the tracks. But then all the surveillance cameras have been ripped out, right? Ha ha. Tricky.

You misunderstood me.  I was suggesting that you should interrupt the dialog of the newsreader to show the mug shot of Otto, like so:

                  NEWSREADER (V.O.)
     Police forces from around the country...

          (the rest of the paragraph all the way to)

     ... and an ally to President Putin.

A mugshot of Otto appears on screen.

                    NEWSREADER (V.O.)/
     Police are looking for this man, who...

And then finish the dialog paragraph the way you had it.  My suggestion is to move the action line announcing the appearance of Otto's picture to coincide with the point in time in which we see it. I don't think the news would show the picture after the newsreader finished his announcement.

At the end of the announcement, I would have Otto turn away guiltily as his mugshot remains on screen. Then I would follow with the "Hey, that's you!" conversation as you wrote it.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak You misunderstood me.  I was suggesting that you should interrupt the dialog of the newsreader to show the mug shot of Otto, like so:                   NEWSREADER (V.O.)      Police forces from around the country...           (the rest of the paragraph all the way to)      ... and an ally to President Putin. A mugshot of Otto appears on screen.                     NEWSREADER (V.O.)/      Police are looking for this man, who... And then finish the dialog paragraph the way you had it.  My suggestion is to move the action line announcing the appearance of Otto's picture to coincide with the point in time in which we see it. I don't think the news would show the picture after the newsreader finished his announcement. At the end of the announcement, I would have Otto turn away guiltily as his mugshot remains on screen. Then I would follow with the "Hey, that's you!" conversation as you wrote it.

Ah! Correct Michael. So I did. I think that is better than what I have. I like that. Thanks for the heads up.