I Will See You Again by Colin Sharp - Drama, War - After a high school introvert experiences an accident, he begins to grapple with vivid flashbacks from a past life. 103 pages

Synopsis




Writer interested in feedback on this work

Colin,

Hey man! Look forward to reading this. Will start and try to get feedback to you late Sat/Sun.

Kevin  

Colin, I read this in one sitting and am impressed - a very touching and engrossing story. I'll come back with my comments shortly.

P.S. Your logline is not doing this justice.

Colin,

Hey man!  Sorry, I'm late with my remarks. Unexpected life stuff.   I thought it was an engaging story.   I'm impressed because you weaved two stories as one.   The reason I say that, is you told Nixon's story as linear and Thomas' as nonlinear.  I never got confused.  Big props to you, sir.   You had to have one hell of an outline to keep from slamming into yourself.   If you didn't use one.  One heck of a brain you got there.

At first, when you had him on Oxy from the injury, I thought I knew where this was going. Lol.  

All I have for you is minor stuff /opinions.

Page 32. The subject of her affection, Thomas, reclines on the grass, eyes closed, casually chewing on a piece of corn, as carefree as the air around him.
...casually chews corn on the cob as carefree as the air around him.

Page46  Music plays, a beautiful melody, at least in their heads, as their steps perfectly match the rhythm.  
This kind of confused me a little.  Is music playing on the screen?

Page 47
INT. EXPLORER - DAY
Nixon is at the wheel, his mind so distant that you'd think the car is on autopilot.
What about hitting some rumble strips to break him out of his trance?


Page 53. Navigating through several incoming challenges from the defenders, he relies on his teammates making tackles, creating the opening...
I would change tackles to blocks since he's on offense.

Page 59  STANLEY
          Stan Jones?
Wouldn't that be just a period since he's answering the phone?

Page 69
               HECTOR
...I should say that's preposterous... But it seems there's something out there, something...something that wants us to reunite.
Instead of us, would you work better?

Page 75
               NIXON
Have I cursed her with these memories?
Nixon didn't tell her anything.  He made that one remark in jest but chickened out.

If you ever decide to rewrite this and want some ideas, just let me know. It's a fun story.  One thing I will say.  What do you think about giving both women the same birthmark?   When Nixon goes to see her in person, he notices it.

If I missed something you wanted talked about,  feel free to ask.

Good luck with it!  
Kevin

I hopped onto Simply Scripts to leave a comment in the discussion thread, asking if anyone would be interested in reading the first 24 pages of the screenplay to provide feedback on its coherence. I was stoked to find that two generous souls had taken the time to read the entire feature!

LC,
Thanks so much for giving it a whirl -  Appreciate your initially encouraging comments!
I would really value any comments/suggestions you have for both the script and the log line!

Kevin,

Quoted Text "Sorry, I'm late with my remarks"

Late?...Late? I'm blown away you've commented so soon!
Thanks, pal for the read, the kind words and your insightful comments.

Quoted Text One heck of a brain you got there.

- I must've had a good outline cos that statement is surely false

Quoted Text Page 32. The subject of her affection, Thomas, reclines on the grass, eyes closed, casually chewing on a piece of corn, as carefree as the air around him. ...casually chews corn on the cob as carefree as the air around him.

Just to prove the brain thing - I meant to write "a piece of straw". Corn, lol. He's not eating corn

Quoted Text Page46  Music plays, a beautiful melody, at least in their heads, as their steps perfectly match the rhythm.   This kind of confused me a little.  Is music playing on the screen?

Yeah, that's what I was trying to allude to - the music would play onscreen as they dance - Any ideas to make that clearer? I didn't want to be too on the nose about it in the action.

Quoted Text Page 53. Navigating through several incoming challenges from the defenders, he relies on his teammates making tackles, creating the opening... I would change tackles to blocks since he's on offense.

Thanks, you're spot on. I don't know U.S football that well.  

Quoted Text Page 59  STANLEY           Stan Jones? Wouldn't that be just a period since he's answering the phone?

Yeah, you're right on that too. Not really a question is it, lol.

Quoted Text Page 69                HECTOR ...I should say that's preposterous... But it seems there's something out there, something...something that wants us to reunite. Instead of us, would you work better?

On this one, I'm drawn to sticking with us (for now), as he's meaning it in a unified kinda manner.

Quoted Text Page 75                NIXON Have I cursed her with these memories? Nixon didn't tell her anything.  He made that one remark in jest but walked out before anything of worth was said.

In the framework of the reincarnation rule I've devised (made up  ), the mere encounter between two individuals who were intimately connected in their past lives is adequate to ignite visions, dreams, and similar experiences. Although I haven't explicitly mentioned this in my narrative, it's a pivotal detail that requires clarification, especially considering its significance in a key scene. Thanks for pointing that out!

Quoted Text What do you think about giving both women the same birthmark?   When Nixon goes to see her in person, he notices it.

That's an intriguing idea! It would provide solid confirmation to Nixon that Anne truly is the reincarnation he's been searching for, especially if he saw her in the lipstick commercial. The question remains whether birthmarks, blemishes, and similar traits would indeed carry over from one life to another. It's certainly worth considering as I develop the story further.

Thanks a bunch for the feedback, will happily ask for ideas on any potential rewrites!

Quoted Text I meant to write "a piece of straw". Corn, lol. He's not eating corn

Colin,

Happy to help!  I like the idea of him hanging out with his girl eating some corn carefree.  Felt like a vibe to me. Lol.   Him just gnawing away while she looks at him wantonly.