Demo Reel by Kelly Tippett - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Thriller, Horror, Drama - When an old demo reel is discovered, a freelance writer is hired to find the musician and write a fluff piece. As he investigates, he inadvertently uncovers a kidnapping that sparks a battle in the war of good versus evil. 110 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Kelly, some formatting issues first. (yep, boring, but necessary).

What screenwriting software are you using?

* Your dialogue spacing looks incorrect - way too spaced across the page. I might be wrong about this, but checking wouldn't hurt.

* You need to set More & Cont in your software. A character's name often appears in isolation at the bottom of a page, and then their dialogue is on the next page.

Using Final Draft as an example, in the dropdown Menu you will see "Mores and Continueds." On the previous page, where the dialog breaks, it inserts "(MORE)" at the bottom. Then on the next page, the character's name appears with "(CONTINUED)" This gives the reader/actor a head's up that the dialog keeps going. You don't have to set character dialogue continues but you do need to set for going over the page.

This should be Superimpose.
TITLE: “MUSCLE SHOALS, ALABAMA”

Superimpose is used when you want type to appear over a background image.
Title Card usually designates a separate graphic image, and titles themselves appear at the beginning of a movie.

Avoid: We See, We hear, We see the camera, Close Up, POV etc.
Minimally use any camera directions in your script.

Keep Description passages to max 4-5 lines. You have a 13 line paragraph in one instance. Imagine 'shots' you're conveying and start a new line when you're conveying a new shot.

Parentheticals should be centred under dialogue example: (beat)  not left justified.

Your opening slug is:
EXT: RECORDING STUDIO – MUSCLE SHOALS - MORNING
But then further down you write:
TITLE: “MUSCLE SHOALS, ALABAMA”
What you should do is give us a wider establishing shot of the location, pay attention to evoking visuals you want us to see and feel, then Superimpose: Muscle Shoals, Alabama over that, and then write your smaller location of the recording studio, and intro your main character.

Your opening should ideally pack a punch, leave an impression and at the moment it's a bit too quiet and underwhelming by way of action and character, but also because it contains the catalyst to the rest of your story. It needs ramping up.

I wouldn't bother with Prologue or your further titles myself but that's a stylistic choice.

If you're going to use mini-slugs -
INT: FOYER

Just writer Foyer. But, you need a proper master slug with time of day at the top first.

Stick to Day or. Night in slug lines. If you want to describe the sunset, or a full moon do so in the description line.

AARON WEBB, (40) who often goes by Mr. Webb. Stick with one name for a character - Aaron Webb or Mr Webb, unless you're for instance writing Mr Smith, goes by the name of Smithy, and from then on call him Smithy. Using both could cause confusion.

Quite a few typos throughout: Some I noted - dilapidated, delapidated, lightening/lightning, beat/beaten, mam /ma'am.

The nurse enters and starts removing IV’s as the Doctor enters.
Remember to CAP characters upon intro (Dr Carry) and give an age and some description. Be careful using names that are verbs.

I'm happy to give you some thoughts on story but will leave you with this for now.

Awesome thanks! I'll incorporate those into it. Thanks for the spelling checks too, you get knee deep in it and can't see them.

And appreciate the heads up on "superimpose" and how to best use them. I like the example you gave.

I use word. I haven't used screenwriting software. Seems just hitting TAB is easier and cheaper, haha. But I'll look into something to help with formatting. Or manually correct things.

  

Don't use Word. I'm surprised you got it to look as good as it is.

Amongst this lot there are free versions. Try Trelby to begin with. It will make your job a lot easier:

https://nofilmschool.com/free-screenwriting-software

Looked at the program's page, I'll play with it Friday. Thanks.

If you're looking for free software, Trelby is it. I used to use the legacy/classic/desktop version of Celtx, but I started losing revisions and whenever I'd open up a script, it would be reverted back to an earlier draft several revisions ago. So I switched to Trelby and have been using it ever since. It's way better than bothering with something like Word, which would probably be better served for writing treatments if anything.

Thanks for the heads up on that. I hate jumping from one program to another. I went from final cut pro to adobe back in the day and audio didn't match the lips. That was my worst case. It's never smooth.

I'm going to have to manually format it in whatever I jump to as far as the script goes. I did a quick test and the file that it would accept, it double spaced half the dialogue in it.

I'll get it going. Just good to know the program I get it into won't be a waste of time.  

I might be able to figure an easier process, but either way I'll start this weekend.  

Yep, unfortunately that is the case. Unless there is a quick fix with transfer, in my experience you're better off just writing it from scratch than messing about with fixing all the line spacing. It really can be more trouble (tortuous actually) than it's worth.

It is worth it however to use conventional/universally accepted scriptwriting software so that your screenplay looks pro, and because if you (down the line get a request for your script) or want to submit to contests etc., your script conforms to industry-standard.

I agree. Once I learn the short cuts it won't be too bad. I guess they call them presets today. And then just begin my scripts in it for now on.

Kelly, seeing as you're busy transferring your doc (I assume you are) I'll give you this feedback re your opening scenes.

The recording scene, specifically Webb discovering the demo reel needs punching up. As does the scene where the Execs gather to listen to it. It would surely resonate more if there's a mass reaction after listening - I read it through a few times and really didn't get what was going on at first.

The first 30 pages are crucial for reader engagement so these need tightening up. As is setting up and introducing the folklore and vibe of your story. If I were you I would consider Webb inviting Darin to this gathering - kill two birds with one stone, get the ball rolling faster with his proposition to him. This is essentially Darin's story; he is your protag.

I'd focus on the sinister nature of your story a lot sooner than you do too. It does explain why you have the very broad genre mix alongside your logline.

Thank you! Yes, working on the script now.

My new scripts can be done in Trelby. This one would have to be a complete rewrite in it. It froze up twice by page 2 as I was correcting the dialogue transfer. I've restarted it too but that did not help.

I've taken word and I'm using the "view grid" as well as the "view ruler" and getting my dialogue within 2.5 to 3 inches wide. Doing the corrections you suggested as well.

I'll use Trelby for new scripts and eventually get Final Draft where I'll import this one. If Trelby hadn't frozen up I'd use it. I think it was more the file than anything. I have a gaming computer I got for editing videos. So, it's halfway good.

I'll get these corrections done and try your suggestion on the opening scenes.

And using the rulers and grid has helped make the format better. After that, I'll weigh paying someone to convert it to Final Draft or do it myself. Getting my own program will be the best, it's like 199 versus 150 to pay someone to convert it to a proper final draft format. Why pay someone 150 when you still need the program?

(We have a wedding in April so the program will have to take a back seat for now)

In the meantime, I'm doing probably as much work getting it to look passable in Word as I would be to put it in Trelby. Time wise it's the same.

My left margin may be a few points off.

And I've cleaned up a lot of the redundancies, as well as changing the doctor's name and calling the producer Mr. Webb throughout. Did the "SUPER:" thing. Hopefully, I'll catch any new mistakes quickly. I'm currently 20 pages away from correcting the width of the dialogue. I've already changed the parentheticals. And 50 pages into sentence restructuring. I'll lose a page then gain a page. lose a page then gain a page. When I make the dialogue width smaller, I gain length, when I restructure the sentences, I lose length.

Anyway, there's a lot of drama going on here at the keyboard, but overall, it's simple.

Is it your wedding? Congrats if it is! :)
Oh, and if you want any changes made to your logline, let me know. I can do that for you.

Anyway, carry on...

Thanks, I'll touch base with you on that logline soon when I come up for air on this.

It's my youngest stepson's in April.  

Hey guys, I got a fever over the weekend but got a bit better for work and made it through the week. We're off and finishing up a pass-through then fishing!

Great script idea. I really see this as one of the more intriguing investigative pieces I have came across. Then, to throw the idea of good and evil into it; it's spotlight meets 8mm. Excited to hear more.

Thanks, those are great movies, loved 8mm too!