Old Times by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - Two childhood friends catch up over coffee.  5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

An intersting little story with a nice twist at the end.

My only disppointment was the dialogue between Edna and Amelia felt a little orchestrated and superfluous.

Example: How about some hot coffee? I don't know anyone who would say it like that, since we know coffee would be hot. Who serves up cold coffee?

I enjoyed the read though.

Thanks.

Thank you, John, for reading and commenting!

Quoted from Stoneyscripts My only disppointment was the dialogue between Edna and Amelia felt a little orchestrated and superfluous. Example: How about some hot coffee? I don't know anyone who would say it like that, since we know coffee would be hot. Who serves up cold coffee?

I see what you mean. I thought I would specify that the coffee is hot since the weather is cold and people have cold coffee. That was the only reason. I know it might be silly, but it also signifies that Amelia preferred 'hot' coffee, specifically if Edna makes it.

Anyway, thank you once again.

Hi Yuvraj.  Please don’t take my comments on dialogue the wrong way. I totally get the situation that occurs and I just wondered about language and how people speak to one another. But this is an odd situation your characters are enduring so I might be forgiven for not fully taking that on board at a glance. I loved the narrative and would have liked more to indulge myself with. That’s the problem with shorties. Best.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Hi Yuvraj.  Please don’t take my comments on dialogue the wrong way. I totally get the situation that occurs and I just wondered about language and how people speak to one another. But this is an odd situation your characters are enduring so I might be forgiven for not fully taking that on board at a glance. I loved the narrative and would have liked more to indulge myself with. That’s the problem with shorties. Best.

Noted. Thanks, John.

Just read the script.

In all honesty Yuvraj, the dialogue in this one needs a revamp and the tone in some areas feels a little disjointed in parts.

Feel free to take or leave my suggestions. That said, I hope you take this feedback in the spirit intended.

On an armchair
Should really be something like: Seated in an armchair.
Try to combine in description that first image of Edna with the glow from the fire. By that I mean everything feels itemised and could be integrated more. Imagine the visual in your head - an older lady sitting contentedly by the fire in a modest sitting room and then there's a knock at the door.

You were always super sensitive in
winters. I'm good.

I'd suggest something like:
You always did feel the cold.
Perhaps if they fire off each other a bit more.
You always did feel the cold.
Yes, and you would wear a t-shirt in a blizzard.

There should be a line of description to segue to this -
EDNA
I knew you would.
And I'm not sure what that line refers to btw, the coffee?

It's not necessary to detail every little moment.
Edna places the mugs on a table between the armchairs.
(Between the armchairs) is not needed.
I think it's better to set the scene at the top like I said  - modestly furnished, couch, armchair, coffee-table etc. Then we'll know what we're looking at.

two beautiful ceramic mugs
Maybe in dialogue she says something to the effect of that this occasion (their reunion) calls for using the best China

Edna locks her eyes with Amelia's.
Edna locks eyes with Amelia.

EDNA
You know, for a moment, I thought I
might lose you.
Suggest something like: You know, for a moment there, I was afraid I might lose you.
Afraid is a much more powerful word in this instance.

AMELIA
smiles
I won't be leaving you so soon.
Might be better as:
You can't get rid of me that easily.

You know the first time I gave you
a scarf?
Suggest: Remember the first scarf I knitted for you?

EDNA
grins
You sly bitch. But I know that was you.
Edna throwing in 'bitch' doesn't fit the tone imho. It's jarring and not in keeping with the sensibility you've set up. 'I know what you were up to', or similar might get the point across in a gentler but ribbing tone.

You know, Ivy got an increment last week!
Does increment mean a pay-rise, or promotion?

Save exclamation marks for real high points. You're using a few too many.

It started when we
were five and is still taking
place. Can you believe that?!
That reads as pure exposition.
She'd know this already.

AMELIA
You've to let it go. Just let -
You've got to let it go.
Or, you need to let it go...

I'll give her company.
I'll keep her company.

While you can say nothing is technically wrong in dialogue, some well worn phrases and figures of speech go down more easily and I'm guessing English is not your first language? I've never asked you this so correct me if I'm wrong.

IVY(O.S.)
Of course, she can. I'll make sure
that you and aunt…

Aunt needs to be capped. Where you can replace 'aunt' with a name it needs capping.

I really like the fire image and audio at the end - but it would be 'crackle', not cackle.

Anyway, technicalities aside, this was really enjoyable, a little predictable, but with a lovely sentiment and would be easy to film.

Thank you, Libby, for providing extensive feedback.

You are correct; English is not my first language. However, I've studied English since kindergarten.  

I agree that the dialog is a bit disjointed in parts. In all honesty, I wanted to keep it that way after I read it myself. The purpose was to show how Edna always initiates the conversation and, in return, gets to hear what she wants to know. By doing so, she tries to make herself admit that Amelia is no more but, at the same time, tries to convince herself that Amelia has survived. A lot is going on in her mind. And there are a multitude of other ways to show it better.

I'm not negating your criticism by any means. And I know I'm no super talented (dialog) writer in that regard. My (maybe novice) intent behind keeping the dialog awkward was to convey the odd situation. A bit of an experiment!

However, I'll try to modify this.

Thank you once again.

Hey Yuvraj,

I didn't read the reviews, so I might repeat what's been said before. Keep in mind, these are my own
opinions, so take it for what it's worth.

Wow, that was quite a twist. I thought from the first 2 pages that Amelia was dying. Great distraction
with the surgery. I didn't see the end coming.

Maybe a bit more descriptions of the sisters.

I think Action can be streamlined a bit more.
P1: "She pours hot coffee into two beautiful ceramic mugs, picks
them up carefully and returns to the" -- she pours coffee into two mugs. That's all you need.
P2: "Edna locks her eyes with Amelia's." -- They lock eyes. All you need.
A few of these. Keep it simple and descriptive, visual.

When Edna returns with the mugs, why not have her stop. pause, stare at an empty armchair where
Amelia was sitting. Edna confused. She calls Amelia's name. Amelia answers (O.S.), she was looking at
some photos. Make it a bit more interesting instead of having the two ladies mostly in the armchairs.

The dialogue feels forced at times. It doesn't always flow naturally. Taking into consideration of Edna's condition,
dialogue might sound a little off, but I feel it's a bit forced exposure. Dialogue is tough, for me the
toughest part of screenwriting.

The word "goes" shows me nothing, it's non-descriptive. Choose words carefully, more descriptive.

Also, p1: Edna jumps to her feet, then shuffles when doorbell rings. Maybe jump is a bit too much, have her
jerk or something. Just a nit-pick.

Good luck,
Frank