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The Shadows by Matthew Taylor (writing as Severus Nettleship) - Short, Thriller - A scared woman takes to the City's shadowy alleyways to escape her pursuer. - pdf format
Nice reversal of protag/antag with a sting at the end. I would've liked a bit more description with the creature killing to up the gore fest. Nicely done.
This one is pretty awesome, my favorite so far. Now, pretty much every single one I've read so far uses the reversal of roles (who we think is the protag ends up being the antag) as the twist. But this one does it very well. And it's very well written, a nice easy read with some good visuals and a very cool ending.
Nice! Not a fan of the title font -- the more I see it, the more pretentious it gets. Anyway...
I liked the tension build up, the chase, and the reveal was a fine moment. The issue for me was the second reveal of the creature. didn't feel that was necessary at all. I felt the first reveal was good and all you needed. Just my opinion, of course!
Quality writing on display, good tension throughout.
Story wise it was a bit flat for me. Things happen just because with no rhyme or reason. I know you only have 2 pages but this is just an extended chase scene with a shock ending for sure, but why...? What is anyone's motivation for anything and the creature's place in it all?
This one unfortunately suffers from the fact that the reader suspects there's going to be a twist. It's not going to just be about a women getting stalked and killed, so I thought she was either leading a killer to his doom (ala Jason Goes to Hell) or is leading a decent guy to his doom (ala The Wicker Man). But the creature was a nice touch, though I would've preferred if she had some sort of communication with it herself, just so I can somewhat understand her motivations. Whether it be a lifeless, "Yes, master" or a scared "okay", I would know where this woman, who has been the center of the film, is coming from.
And though the chase scene was well written, it really just felt like the film was 90% of a chase scene that can be seen in every horror film ever made. And why would she run barefoot down an alley purposely? That ain't good for the feet.
But, as a fast moving short this could work very well with the right director who can add something to the chase and just a few tweaks to the ending.
Okay, dumb question: Does she morph into the creature, or is she feeding the Creature?
Ah, okay, she's the Creature's conduit. And she pockets the money. Very clever.
I think here, however, you give the game away:
Tabi watches him head away, spots an empty can on the floor, kicks it. The can RATTLES across the concrete. Pursuer stops in his tracks, turns and sprints towards Tabi.
Make her stumble and fall over it, that will up the suspense and then we also won't see what's coming with your twist. That's my only gripe.
Great writing on display here! Cool story, although not much of a surprise that she was baiting...for something. Kinda figured that was what she was doing. I liked that she was feeding the monster. In 2 pages it wouldn't be easy to let us know why...but if you ever decided to expand it there's probably a very interesting story there.
Excellent descriptions. I really got a great sense of the atmosphere.
Fancy title page. Nice, but I'm sure you'll get grief from some commenters.
Was confused by Tabi's actions when it looked like she lost the Pursuer. She could have made it seem like more of an accident (at least to the Pursuer).
Since Tabi has no lines, it'd probably be fine to cast a stuntwoman directly into this role. That should help the budget a bit.
The descriptions and pacing are excellent. Charles kept the hood of his trench coat over his head just to protect his well-maintained hair even though it had stopped raining, so he deserved to die. Since Tabi enjoyed her role in this enterprise so much, maybe she end by saying something like "Next time I'll try to get you someone with more meat on the bone."
Yes, 75% of this has been done, shot by shot, a thousand times. But, you're using it to set up the twist, so that makes it purposeful.
All in all, I enjoyed this. Would a more creative setup made for a better short? I can't decide. Could be fun for you to experiment with once the challenge is over.
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A lot of cannibalization in these scripts! Good development in this one, though, and leads to an unexpected outcome. Good job in not doing the reveal too soon. Very creepy and suspenseful. Good job.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Tabi almost seems likes a human relic of baggage and fallen dreams, because she bears too many dark secrets, one of which could be with this human/creature Charles. Could it be that the blood from a human sacrifice replenishes himself after a rather nasty encounter? So that Tabi and Charles can reunite, their love is more dangerous, and powerful than imagined. Together they conspire in the grand tradition of "McBeth" and "Othello", to reign in pleasure once again. Wouldn't that be something.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
Of course, I'm probably reading way too much into your 2-pager, but it was fun to give you my interpretation of it. I enjoyed it nonetheless. Best of Irish luck!
I read the one with the boy luring the woman to be eaten by a monster before this so the ending didn't have the impact it might have done if I hadn't just read the same idea. This one is better written (imo) and yet I skimmed over the chase, which is the bulk of the script. because it's all runs left/right chases through the entrance/exit.
I can see why this is popular and will score well. It's just there are a lot of short stories out there (and at least one script in this challenge) which cover this exact same premise so maybe try to come up with a different spin on a very familiar theme?
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This reminded me of the 82 Creepshow movie skit, where this guy lures his wife (played by Adrienne Barbeau) to the school basement where there’s a crate with a gnarling, gnashing monster in it, under the pretext that there’s a young, scared college student hiding in there and he needs her to comfort her, of course, this guys wife is a nagging bitch and all he wants is for this thing to kill her; which it does.
Anyway, long winded way of saying this has been done before, but the wallet angle is unique in a sense that a guy will most likely give chase to a woman who’s robbed him as opposed to a scenario where he might have been mugged by some thug. But then there’s the bait and switch that some most guys would forecast, or would they? Best of luck.
Very well done, even if similar to others. It was a good choice to risk short sentences with such a limited page count to keep the pace high.
I would have preferred some other reaction from her after the reveal. She doesn't seem at all afraid of the monster, her smile implies she enjoys the arrangement. That's boring. Interesting would be her being scared or exhausted or maybe really in it to get off on the brutal slayings. But it works well enough.
Writing captured the urgency and tension of the pursuit and I certainly didn’t see that ending coming - although it is very much out of left-field so…
She does it for the money; the creature does it because, well, that’s what it does. There’s a sense to it. Albeit a kind of nightmare logic that I appreciate.
Do we need to see the monster? Maybe a claw or some such and let SFX and the audience do the hard work.
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Of the "chase" horror genre, I think this does a great job.
I'm glad that she wasn't the monster at the end, it would have been too obvious. The garbage can of wallets is kinda hilarious, but it works on a few levels.
Thank you all for the reviews and comments - mostly positive so I will take that.
Apologies for my contribution to the repetitive entries lol seemed like a great idea when I thought of it. Still, it's good to know my writing has improved in the past few years, feels like only yesterday that OWC were like being set upon by a lynch mob. I enjoy them more now lol
Story wise it was a bit flat for me. Things happen just because with no rhyme or reason. I know you only have 2 pages but this is just an extended chase scene with a shock ending for sure, but why...? What is anyone's motivation for anything and the creature's place in it all?
I felt I added enough reason, more than these types of horror usually have. Monster needs to eat, guy chases to get his wallet back, woman does it for the money (and she kinda enjoys seeing men get eaten alive)
...her smile implies she enjoys the arrangement. That's boring. Interesting would be her being scared or exhausted or maybe really in it to get off on the brutal slayings. But it works well enough.
Yup, that's exactly what is needed. Will be incorporating it into a re-write. Thanks (Cacutshaw had a similar suggestion as well)
And why would she run barefoot down an alley purposely? That ain't good for the feet.
I'm surprised you are the only one who mentioned that. In my head she is targeting wealthy men at fancy clubs/bars and so wears heels, but yeah she had bare feet to make her situation feel a bit more dire.
Thanks again all for the comments! best of luck in the next round
Hello, are you interested in turning this into a short? Are you selling this script?
Hello
Yes the script is for sale. If you are interested in it you can PM me here or email me at Scripts.By.MT (at) gmail.com (Or you can use the email address LC posted up, both of them will get to me - Thanks LC)
And yes, big thanks to Don and Libby, without the site and challenge that script wouldn't have existed. and a big thanks to Michael (Spesh2k) for the kind review of the script on the blog.
And yes, big thanks to Don and Libby, without the site and challenge that script wouldn't have existed. and a big thanks to Michael (Spesh2k) for the kind review of the script on the blog.
The filmmaker cut it down to bring the run time to 1 minute for a competition. (You can see all 4 films in the competition on the youtube channel and vote for your favourite if you want to)
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The Shadows - May - Filmed
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