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The story is paper thin, but you have a lot of style, energy and attitude pumping through 4 1/4 pages. I didn't even realize these guys were on the road, when one of them mentions approaching the mall. Give us more visuals. I wanted to see the streets, the women, the buildings, the graffiti, the billboards, the low riders, all the stuff that seems to be missing in this short journey to S'barros. There is conflict on the streets. Let it happen. Maybe they should be heading to Tijuana. I liked it more for what it could be. Don't slow down.
First, I want to thank everyone for reading and taking the time to give your thoughts. Some very positive and I truly appreciate it.
Yep, the 'story' was almost nonexistent, but it wasn't really meant to be a story. This is, as a fairly well-known person once said: "A show about nothing." It is not a deep dive into the human condition or a tale of never-ending angst or unrequited love. It's the story of two basically interchangeable 16-year-old southern California guys in 1982 enjoying the three things they love most: Cars, music and girls. The food was most likely an excuse to go to the mall to flirt with girls. On the way, the one guy turns his friend onto a new and exciting thing he learned about, an illegal radio station playing way cool music. Now, 16 years old and it's an illegal radio station? It's like teenage catnip.
I was 17 in 1982, and I loved watching The Dukes of Hazard. One thing those guys did, was slide across the hood of the General Lee when things got exciting (they had to do something to keep guys interested when Daisy wasn't on screen), so that is the kind of thing I picture testosterone-pumped guys doing in SoCal at that time.
In regard to the usage of a racial slur, it just felt like where the character would go. Certainly not the way I would go, but that shouldn't matter when creating something like this. I'm not sure how many people boycotted or complained because Biff's flunky called the black musician a Spook in Back to the Future, but that's where his character would go.
Your complaints did not fall on deaf ears, though. I have rewritten the portion of the conversation in question and below is the revised, more acceptable version:
Eddie Gee whiz, Johnny, I wasn't really in the mood to listen to a disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion.
Johnny Hold on there, Eddie, this isn't just a disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion, it's a Border Blaster!
Eddie Hmm. What might a Border Blaster be, Johnny?
Johnny I'm glad you asked, Eddie. A Border Blaster is a radio station in Tijuana that uses more wattage than the law allows to boost their signal so we can hear it all the way up here.
Eddie So, being the rapscallions we all know those people to be, if you'll pardon my rude language, this is just an extra loud disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion.
If it' actually set in 1982 then you should probably lose the K-pop reference
And I see nothing wrong with the language used. Characters have flaws, it is not a reflection on the writer.
Since broadcast station call letters begin with a K west of the Mississippi, I wanted to find a popular radio station in L.A. back in the 80s. Googling only found stations that play 80s music now. So, I decided to just have Johnny use a 'cutting' remark about how his friend is still listening to that same Pop music cr*p when there is cool stuff out there. How would an L.A. guy do it? "K-Pop Bullsh*t". I think it works.
Eddie Gee whiz, Johnny, I wasn't really in the mood to listen to a disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion.
Johnny Hold on there, Eddie, this isn't just a disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion, it's a Border Blaster!
Eddie Hmm. What might a Border Blaster be, Johnny?
Johnny I'm glad you asked, Eddie. A Border Blaster is a radio station in Tijuana that uses more wattage than the law allows to boost their signal so we can hear it all the way up here.
Eddie So, being the rapscallions we all know those people to be, if you'll pardon my rude language, this is just an extra loud disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion.
Since broadcast station call letters begin with a K west of the Mississippi, I wanted to find a popular radio station in L.A. back in the 80s. Googling only found stations that play 80s music now. So, I decided to just have Johnny use a 'cutting' remark about how his friend is still listening to that same Pop music cr*p when there is cool stuff out there. How would an L.A. guy do it? "K-Pop Bullsh*t". I think it works.
Ok, but most people will think he is referencing Korean pop.
Have you been hiding under a rock, Steven? K-pop is huge. Everywhere. Not just in South Korea.
Well, I checked out K-pop on YouTube, and I have to say...I've been better off under my rock. Most of it sounded like re-working the Crazy Frog song.
Anyway, I've come up with a better dialog option.
Piss off, barf-bag! What are you doing still listening to this white-line-down-the-middle-of-the-road bullshit?
Also, real quick. I didn't know these slang terms off the top of my head. I used an 80s slang dictionary I found online. I'm from Ohio. Back in the 80s listening to Valley-People from California talk was like listening to a Martian.