Mexican Radio by Tom Tomali - The cool one of two best buds finds his acolyte is really on the cutting edge as they travel to the mall for some bitchin' pizza!  Short, Adventure

Writer,

Did I catch a little American Graffiti in there? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway…

I can do relate here as I had an 82 Camaro and I can’t tell u how many times I used to go to the mall for Sbarro!! Great times indeed.  However, I really didn’t understand exactly what this was all about. Then again, well crafted scene was part of this challenge too, so that would fit here. Still, this just didn’t quite do it for me. These two kids, dialogue-wise, sounded like that were doing massive amounts of coke. Hard to believe they were that hyped for Sbarro! Good job getting one written, writer!

Steve

I liked how you didn't shy away from letting the teens use offensive dialog. This was a good meandering piece. Liked how it was just allowed to flow. Only thing is, I'm not sure if modern day kids reference James Dean. Perhaps the setting was supposed to be early 80s? Then again, they mention K-Pop. It was enjoyable anyway.

Best song of the batch. The narrative here is too episodic for my tastes, a little dazed and confused, but it is an amusing choice to have pop culture references drawn from just about anywhere in the time-stream. The racial angle springs directly from the song itself, so it does feel justified, even if it stings the ear a bit these days. Good piece all in all, but lacking punch.  

Hmm, the language of the pair seemed 60s inspired but they're driving an 80s car, felt oddly disconnected to me for that reason. Also, and probably my modern snowflake sensibilities, wasn't a big fan of the racial slurs even if in character.

Song choice is great though!

This seemed to be a little all over the place and never seemed to pick a lane.  The story was pretty thin (finding a Mexican pirate radio station while driving to the mall), and so it had a hard time holding my attention.

The initial description of these guys seemed to be a bit odd.  Each was described as "skinny as a 16 year old" with just different hair color.

Not much to say about this one as there really isn't anything happening throughout -- it actually feels like it should be part of a longer piece.  Maybe you can do a rewrite and focus on some of the comments of the other reviews here in getting a little more oomph to it.

Best of luck with it.

Ok. My thoughts only:

" Where he does the classic ta da" ? What's this? " To show slick back hair" is this a typo?
"Whataya think"? The correct use of grammar would be better.

"Whaddya think, man" A little better this time.

Spaz - uncool
Spic - uncool
Narbo - uncool

A beat is not a parenthetical.

James Dean in a modern day teenage flick is totally uncool.

All that said, It was quite well written at times, but needs a few adjustments to make it better. Just a tad immature for me though but good luck with your writing.

I liked the vibe and energy for sure, but that starts to flag after a while because they're just sorta driving for so long. I'd like to see them hang out in the parking lot for a bit of this conversation or something. Have the story unfold over multiple locations (not to mention, give your characters/actors some more chances to play with the physicality here).

I'm all for talky hang-out stuff, and this one does that well, and these two strange kids are fun enough to spend some time with. But usually, even when there's a lack of external conflict in these pieces, there's a fair bit of internal conflict. Not so here -- even when our characters disagree, it doesn't really amount to much.

I *really* like the idea of this dumb kid having his bigotry challenged by Mexican radio playing Mexican Radio, but there's not quite enough emphasis on that to carry the entire thing.

Fun enough for a style piece. Take these off-kilter characters and their off-kilter world and do something more with 'em!

Hi Writer

There isn't a story here for me to comment on. No conflict, plot, goals... nothing to grab onto.

I know the challenge said it could be a scene buy If I am reading a short script, I want a story.

All the best

Couldn't decide if this was more "Happy Days" or "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" although  both characters had "Spicoli" moments - so I'm going more with that.  Of course the 80's Camaro set the time frame.  I didn't really get where the story was going or where it ended?  That's not a criticism per se, but just couldn't really find "the story".
Also, I know some are offended by the racial slur - but I actually used to hear that term quite often back in the day from the one and only Archie Bunker...on prime time network television no less!   Times have changed a bit since then for sure.  I've never heard this song before, so I'm off to find it and listen.  Thanks for sharing with us and good luck with this.

Kathy

Ahoy Tom Tomali - just my humble opinion, etc. Casual read over dinner, no hassle intended. Gotta admit, after reading this, not much was happening. And it should be, given your song choice. Yep, head it before. More to the point, the story, or lack of one - so it didn't grip me. You can definitely punch it up. Overall, not bad at all. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

There were a couple of things I didn’t like in this story.

I didn’t like the characters. This is a compliment as to their authentic nature. When I was their age, I really didn’t like or think much of guys like them.  The part of the story that bothered me the most was the way one of them slid across the hood of the 1980 Camaro, and the other one let him. Back then, if I playfully slid across the hood of my friend’s Trans-Am with him looking right at me, I would be looking for a bag of ice a couple of minutes later.

I loved this song, back in the day. I think you did a good job capturing the essence and mood of the song.

Lot of good-time vibes in this one. It felt like an '80s script, but there was a reference to K-Pop and James Dean. One of the characters was described as 16 and skinny as a 16 year old. There's gotta be a better way to do that one. There was a sequence where the items in a series were broken into separate lines, each ending with a comma. Might be best to put all of those in one line. It's always fun to listen to Mexican Radio randomly on the radio.

Writer,

I've never heard of this song until today. I just finished listening to it and thought it was a cool song.   This wasn't a bad buddy piece that had relatable material.   I've had friends who didn't think before they act and do stupid stuff. Like when Johnny slides over the hood.    I've never heard of a border blaster. So, you taught me something.   Like another writer said, this also had a Dazed and Confused feel, in my opinion.   All the best.

More a scene than a story but other than a couple of gripes like the skinny like 16 that I wasn’t keen on (and was used twice) and the k-pop bit (confused me about when it was set) I really liked this. Really easy to see it play out in my mind and felt very true to tue time, assuming it was set in the 80s.

Had never heard of the sound but I like it.

Good stuff!

The story is paper thin, but you have a lot of style, energy and
attitude pumping through 4 1/4 pages. I didn't even realize these
guys were on the road, when one of them mentions approaching
the mall.
Give us more visuals. I wanted to see the streets, the women, the
buildings, the graffiti, the billboards, the low riders, all the stuff that seems to be
missing in this short journey to S'barros.
There is conflict on the streets. Let it happen.
Maybe they should be heading to Tijuana.
I liked it more for what it could be. Don't slow down.

First, I want to thank everyone for reading and taking the time to give your thoughts.  Some very positive and I truly appreciate it.  

Yep, the 'story' was almost nonexistent, but it wasn't really meant to be a story.  This is, as a fairly well-known person once said: "A show about nothing."  It is not a deep dive into the human condition or a tale of never-ending angst or unrequited love.  It's the story of two basically interchangeable 16-year-old southern California guys in 1982 enjoying the three things they love most: Cars, music and girls.  The food was most likely an excuse to go to the mall to flirt with girls.  On the way, the one guy turns his friend onto a new and exciting thing he learned about, an illegal radio station playing way cool music.  Now, 16 years old and it's an illegal radio station?  It's like teenage catnip.

I was 17 in 1982, and I loved watching The Dukes of Hazard.  One thing those guys did, was slide across the hood of the General Lee when things got exciting (they had to do something to keep guys interested when Daisy wasn't on screen), so that is the kind of thing I picture testosterone-pumped guys doing in SoCal at that time.

In regard to the usage of a racial slur, it just felt like where the character would go.  Certainly not the way I would go, but that shouldn't matter when creating something like this.  I'm not sure how many people boycotted or complained because Biff's flunky called the black musician a Spook in Back to the Future, but that's where his character would go.

Your complaints did not fall on deaf ears, though.  I have rewritten the portion of the conversation in question and below is the revised, more acceptable version:

    Eddie
    Gee whiz, Johnny, I wasn't really in the
    mood to listen to a disc jockey of the
    Mexican persuasion.

    Johnny
    Hold on there, Eddie, this isn't just a
    disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion, it's
    a Border Blaster!

    Eddie
    Hmm.  What might a Border Blaster be, Johnny?

    Johnny
    I'm glad you asked, Eddie.  A Border Blaster
    is a radio station in Tijuana that uses more
    wattage than the law allows to boost their
    signal so we can hear it all the way up here.

    Eddie
    So, being the rapscallions we all know those
    people to be, if you'll pardon my rude language,
    this is just an extra loud disc jockey of the
    Mexican persuasion.

If it' actually set in 1982 then you should probably lose the K-pop reference  

And I see nothing wrong with the language used. Characters have flaws, it is not a reflection on the writer.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor If it' actually set in 1982 then you should probably lose the K-pop reference   And I see nothing wrong with the language used. Characters have flaws, it is not a reflection on the writer.

Since broadcast station call letters begin with a K west of the Mississippi, I wanted to find a popular radio station in L.A. back in the 80s.  Googling only found stations that play 80s music now.  So, I decided to just have Johnny use a 'cutting' remark about how his friend is still listening to that same Pop music cr*p when there is cool stuff out there.  How would an L.A. guy do it?  "K-Pop Bullsh*t".  I think it works.

Quoted from steven8     Eddie     Gee whiz, Johnny, I wasn't really in the     mood to listen to a disc jockey of the     Mexican persuasion.     Johnny     Hold on there, Eddie, this isn't just a     disc jockey of the Mexican persuasion, it's     a Border Blaster!     Eddie     Hmm.  What might a Border Blaster be, Johnny?     Johnny     I'm glad you asked, Eddie.  A Border Blaster     is a radio station in Tijuana that uses more     wattage than the law allows to boost their     signal so we can hear it all the way up here.     Eddie     So, being the rapscallions we all know those     people to be, if you'll pardon my rude language,     this is just an extra loud disc jockey of the     Mexican persuasion.

Just read this lol Muuuuch better  

Quoted from steven8 Since broadcast station call letters begin with a K west of the Mississippi, I wanted to find a popular radio station in L.A. back in the 80s.  Googling only found stations that play 80s music now.  So, I decided to just have Johnny use a 'cutting' remark about how his friend is still listening to that same Pop music cr*p when there is cool stuff out there.  How would an L.A. guy do it?  "K-Pop Bullsh*t".  I think it works.

Ok, but most people will think he is referencing Korean pop.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Just read this lol Muuuuch better

I'm glad you like it.  I just couldn't resist!  

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Ok, but most people will think he is referencing Korean pop.

I'd never heard of Korean Pop before.  Shoot, heck-fire.  I really liked that too.  I'll see if I can come up with something better.  Thanks!

Have you been hiding under a rock, Steven?
K-pop is huge. Everywhere. Not just in South Korea.

Quoted from LC Have you been hiding under a rock, Steven? K-pop is huge. Everywhere. Not just in South Korea.

Well, I checked out K-pop on YouTube, and I have to say...I've been better off under my rock.  Most of it sounded like re-working the Crazy Frog song.

Anyway, I've come up with a better dialog option.


Piss off, barf-bag! What are you
doing still listening to this
white-line-down-the-middle-of-the-road
bullshit?

Also, real quick.  I didn't know these slang terms off the top of my head.  I used an 80s slang dictionary I found online.  I'm from Ohio.  Back in the 80s listening to Valley-People from California talk was like listening to a Martian.

One real quick thing: Did NO ONE clock the second song reference in this?