A rather horrific story that I cozied up to.
I enjoyed the time jumps and thought it added to the creepiness.
My only suggestion is that when Naomi walks up to Scott's house,
let it be their first meeting.
Maybe he told her that he would make dinner before they go clubbing,
or something like that. Then you can cross cut between dinner and the
later basement scenes. I'd like to see how Scott came across at dinner
and get some insight into his character.
Other than that, I guess you can say Naomi was a real hottie.

Crikey!

Didn’t think it was going to be that dark!

Not much to add that hadn’t been add. Liked the writing though. All the fat had been trimmed.

Good stuff

It was a little interesting and progressive the way you posted the lyrics as a preamble but that made the words FADE IN even more important. I was left wondering if the story started with the lyrics somehow or when the actual story started.

As noted by others, I was also confused as to if there was a flashback or a dream sequence in the beginning. I had to read it a few times to get through that.

A twist would have been nice but not every story needs a twist. Sometimes a story is as simple as: You hold a firecracker in your hand, light the fuse, it goes off and your hand hurts. It’s just a better story if you sneeze, forget the lit firecracker is in your hand, you cover your mouth and it goes off in your face.

The descriptions were gruesome so you accomplished your mission there. This was a horror story in its very definition.