Call Me Al by blank - Conflict Diamonds are stolen to prop up a coup d'etat, but there is a price to pay.  Short, Adventure, Crime

First off, the music was a nice touch. It really went well with the story. If this story ends up in a film festival, I recommend playing this music while the film is being cued up.

The story was exciting with a lot of intrigue, politics and action. The descriptions were enough to put me on the set much less put me in a theater seat with this on a screen in front of me.

Paul Simon would definitely enjoy this.

I know I did.

I think Al and Carter got exactly what they deserved! Thieving gits! And feels like the digger is returning the wealth of the diamonds to where they really belong - the poorer people. Like that ending.

I love the song "You can call me Al"

I can't quite connect it with your story, but that said, I haven't got a Scooby what Paul Simon is singing about, so that doesn't matter.

Good work.

So I'm not big on formatting issues, especially on these one-week challenges, but the Pre-Lap ought to be changed.  You really shouldn't put a link to music like that into a script.  I understand you're trying to set a mood and that's totally fine, but you should really just make reference to it like:

PreLap:  Traditional African music filled with drums leads into....

Except that here, you have that music leading into a guy on a yacht, so it doesn't seem to me to necessarily match up, you know what I mean?  Even when he's looking through the binoculars at the digger, the music (I clicked on the link just to see what you were using) was a bit too laid back for the situation.  Anyway, you're better off just using the description and then when filming finding the music to fit the mood.  Just an aside.

Regarding the story itself, I felt it was a bit rough in places and the dialogue didn't feel natural to me.  I get the story of him backstabbing Al and Gerald (and killing them as well, I guess), but how does he do that?  He wasn't anywhere close enough to detonate a remote controlled bomb, right, because he was at the Liberian border? And wasn't he taking a big risk riding in a jeep he had booby-trapped? I know it's hard to get a lot of exposition in 5 pages when you're trying to do so much, it just seems to me that maybe we need some more to the story to help us resolve some inconsistencies.

Also, why the last line of "You can call me Al, Al?" Is he using Al's ID to cross the border?  We don't know so it's a bit confusing.  It's like you through that on there to try and tie the song title to the script.

It's a decent story overall, but just needs a little work and maybe some expanding on it.

Best of luck, Gary

Music link was an interesting touch. Wouldn't normally recommend that, but this challenge is just a bit different. I was expecting the link to be to the inspiration song, though, so we could understand how that song inspired this short. I played it for a moment, to get the vibe, then turned it off because it quickly became distracting to the read. Overall, for this challenge only, it added just a bit of something--so, net positive.

Anyway, pretty straight-line story, told in a pretty straight-line way. Lot's of action and fun.

Best,
Paul

Great song!

There are many typos and formatting errors on evidence, e.g. ages are sometimes in brackets, sometimes not... little things but worth fixing up after the OWC has finished.

Also the geography of the scene is a little odd, the guy runs through dry terrain whilst Carter is on a boat somewhere off short... feels a tad implausible. And Carter is a famous politician AND an expert sniper? And do Awesome looking Generals often chase diamond thieves?

Needs some work to get the logic straight.

Gerald Carter brings his sniper rifle into play and takes aim
at a Government forces Soldier.
I think you should keep an eye on writing the action only - 'brings his sniper rifle into play' is totally redundant and too static- 'takes aim' is the action. Perhaps he has him in the crosshairs, or tags his target, takes aim.

The Jeep explodes. Al's ejected from his seat during a human
fireball.
During?
Take that out, imho.

Continued / Aside
That's what this weird formatting is about?
I haven't come across this kind of shorthand anywhere.

Your story is action packed.
I think the main thing for me is that you should have commenced the action with Digger. He's the one I want to feel for and side with, get away - yet that only happened when he passed through the checkpoint at the end.

It's a big story for five pages so you're commended for that.

The human connection, who to root for from the get-go, that's what I'd advise you to focus on.

All I can see is Paul Simon going up in a ball of flame.  It's too horrible to comprehend.  At least Art got away.  That nickname Digger can't fool me.  Lots of action, blood and guts.  It's like pop music crossed with Hamburger Hill for the music video.

Quoted from LC I think the main thing for me is that you should have commenced the action with Digger. He's the one I want to feel for and side with, get away - yet that only happened when he passed through the checkpoint at the end. It's a big story for five pages so you're commended for that. The human connection, who to root for from the get-go, that's what I'd advise you to focus on.

I can't say it better than this so I'm just quoting this. Exactly my reaction as well. It takes so long for us to understand who our main character is that the action ends up feeling like mayhem for mayhem's sake. If we're gonna be thrilled by this sequence we have to be a bit invested in it.

That said, the whole thing was big and bright and fun and I enjoyed this take on what a Paul Simon vibe is, haha.

It threw me for a loop that the British politician character's name was a mashup of two U.S. presidents.

The action and geography weren't always quite as clear as they could be, but I was never outright confused. Just found myself working a little harder than is ideal to visualize everything.

Hi Writer

Wow, that is one big explosive short. Way too big to be filmed but as part of a larger story it could be cool.

Why is a British Politician also an expert sniper doing the dirty work? Would he not be behind the scenes?  How did Digger plant a bomb on the yacht?

I think you have tried to cram too much story into 5 pages and will benefit from being longer, there is too much that doesn't make sense to me.
Not sure what it was about the writing but I found it a bit tough to read.

All the best to you.

This is another entry that packed a great deal of dialogue into a short 5 pages.  My take is that this idea could easily be expanded to a feature length thriller/drama.  Having said that, who the heck is Digger?  Is he some type of government agent (shows ID, let through by armed guard) or did he just out-con the cons?  This was a very intense story and drew me in all the way to the end - but Digger still leaves a question mark for me.

Excellent entry here, writer.  Very enjoyable, and as I mentioned, you might want to think feature on this one.  Thanks for sharing this excellent piece!

Kathy

Ahoy Blank - given the great song choice - methinks perhaps here, it would have been better to capture the true essence of the song;  a journey of a man’s midlife crisis into finding himself again by going on an adventure to a foreign land. Or maybe it is with stealing the diamonds an all...and it does take place on the right continent. OK, fair enough, but still...

Anywaz, kudos for being so ambitious but it's way too much story to cover in five pages. Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

Writer,

You mixed it up with those song choices.  It paired well with your story.  I was anticipating Carter or Al to do something sneaky, and they both get dealt with out of nowhere.   A lot of story for five pages.  Well done.

All the best.

A lot to absorb in limited pages. What a huge range of scenes,
details and action. I was surprised at how easy it was to read.
It really seems you have much more story and this is just a
condensed version. Kind of like a novel in short screenplay format.
I'm glad Digger made out well, and the scumbags got their
comeuppance.
Beyond that, I can't offer suggestions.
We'll see what else you've got on this story. Good luck.

Writer,

This jumped around a bit. I found it hard to follow along at times, there were a few characters including Carter and Gerald, two very similar names. That said, this was good work, if not a bit contrived regarding your ending. Well done.

Steve