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I bet I will never see a protagonist by that name again in my lifetime
I weirdly enjoyed this to be honest, we are all aware of internet identities but this guy took it to the extreme, and I found his “exploits” comical. I did wonder part way through, where this was going, and unfortunately it didn’t really go anywhere and just kind of ended, with a page to spare as well, ran out of time maybe?
Ahoy Sybil Dulcet - My first Clueless critique ever! Don't worry it won't be harsh. I liked it. The ending was ho hum for me - I wanted a bit more punch. That's about it really. As I said I liked it so it's a short critique from me. Very good job. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal
This was good. Felt real (in the character's warped mind, that is). Way too many extra characters, but I liked all their titles, i.e. Thai Boxer Man, etc. The heated texting/comments exchange felt authentic, so much so that I was rolling my eyes at it, haha.
I think it was really funny. I was going to take a break from reading, then I saw your hero's name and had to keep going. This is funny as h-e-double-toothpicks. I loved it. It reminds me of the IT crowd, where the Anonymous guy got rousted out by his mom and dad while he was saying threatening stuff online. Awesome.
Yes, I agree with most of the comments above. i enjoyed the read and chuckled, but never guffawed, I swear. The ending was befitting for an incel.
Best of luck.
My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
This was truly funny (language aside, but that's just me). Then again, one of the things that was most humorous was the character's name! You managed to get a lot of story into 5 pages - so great work with that. Even after chuckling through the entire thing, I still managed to feel sadness for this guy - how many in real life live in a fantasy behind their computer screen? Sorry, I digress. Great short here, I can truly see how someone techy may want to grab this for production - hope I'm right about that
Kathy
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
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Had to think about this one for a little bit for commenting on it. I knew the end punch line was coming and so it played into the stereotypical older guy still living at home in mom's basement playing video games, but that didn't stop my enjoyment of the story. Sort a dream/fantasy sequence that gets interrupted by his competitor on the video game.
I think an actual fun twist would have been for us to see that it's either an attractive male or female that's the protagonist, and that they're actually doing okay for themselves - that would have definitely blown my concept of where it was actually headed.
Still, good job here.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
You've instantly got me at the Bloodsport coaster. Great detail to start. (Kumite! Kumite!)
So, a neckbeard meme stretched out into a short film. Pretty funny. My main issue here is that the two big sequences don't really differ from each other in any meaningful way; these two fantasies tell us basically the same thing about our protagonist, rather than revealing different aspects of his fantasies and personality. If it's gonna be short and jokey, I'd stick to just one fantasy sequence (and a producer will thank you for that too, haha). If it's gonna be longer, I'd suggest making these two fantasy sequences have quite different meanings. And for the record, if you have room, three tends to be the magic number.
My other complaint would simply be the lack of surprise. This is all quite fun and funny, but it builds to a "reveal" that's basically what we would have assumed from the start. I think this would need a more unique perspective on our M&M-devouring friend to really stand out as a short.
But yeah, quick and funny and did make me laugh. Really did feel like a meme extended out into short form, which isn't a bad thing at all.
In some cases, however, I loved the dialogue. "It's him! The handsome bastard."
Points are awarded to the author for pure manic energy, though I honestly had only the vaguest idea of what was going on, except for maybe the decent final reveal.
This is another one I'm not sure what to make of. Like Crazy Train it gets pretty manic pretty quick and I wasn't always sure what it was I'm meant to be seeing, so maybe that's something to consider if you do a rewrite.
Some pretty funny dialogue though. Wasn't sure how much of it was good, bad, or good in a bad way though if that makes sense?
Two best lines: "It's him. The handsome bastard." and "Ok, sweetheart."
There's so much wrapped up in that second one...maybe the best line of dialogue in all the challenge scripts.
Enjoyed it.
Best, Paul
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
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