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The Grave Little Toaster - OWC (currently 1415 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 11:10am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16407 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
The Grave Little Toaster by Walt Disney - Short, Comedy - Four slices of heaven become a night from hell! 3 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 11:17am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1560 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hi Walt Disney,
Funny story here. Er, if you'd call it a story. The characters reacted so dramatically and the writing was so satirical that I forgot about any story that could've existed and was solely focused on how goofy this was. My only thing is that I totally thought Hanna and William were parents and Barbara and Joseph were their kids for some reason. Then Barbara says they're her friends. Are these all roommates? Ah, who cares!
Though you have made me eye my
4 SLICE TOASTER ON THE HIGH QUALITY MARBLE COUNTER TOP
since reading this story.
Sean |
| BOO-NANA BREAD From ghosts and zombies, to witches and swamp things, this banana bread will scare you silly, and leave you wanting more! |
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Reply: 1 - 20 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 2:02pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4327 Posts Per Day 1.12 |
When introing characters and specifying age, you used mid twenties and 20s, imho it's best to pick one format and use it consistently.
Hmm, so normally 'manscaped' means they have trimmed their body hair, below the head, and for men this is usually the genital area... so are William and Joseph both naked?
Hanna randomly goes (O.S.), but not sure why.
Points crazily and then stares crazily, I'd swp one round.
Okay, that was quite fun even if the curse felt a bit shoe horned.
EDIT: You did manage to get the midnight element in too! |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 2 - 20 |
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Robert Timsah |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 2:02pm |
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January Project Group Story Is Structure
Posts280 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Okay, so you got it written, submitted, and It's formatted better than my rusty script. But at just 4 pages, it does not have the length to really go anywhere.
SPOILER SUGGESTIONS
It'd help to show what happened to William at the beginning, perhaps with him mocking the curse.
Then that one bitch comes along to disprove the curse,
Only for it to turn out William is now a zombie.
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 7:51pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1555 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Ahoy writer, Haha! Well I liked the punchline. My takeaway - maybe I missed it -- nope - nada - nein - no. Like a previous reviewer stated - the curse was shoehorned in. This almost feels like an SNL skit. Or maybe it was. Wish you had done a bit more with it. Anywaz, best of Irish luck! -A |
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spencerforhire |
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 10:46pm |
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New Write NOW! Perfect LATER!
LocationSnohomish, WA Posts205 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Hi There. Ok... Well... this one was like AC/DC, and then an abrupt short circuit. The scenes were DC, the dialogue was AC (at best), the ending was the short circuit. Overall, the story had potential and finally fell into the dark due to an electrical outage. Toasted! |
| I got nothing. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: October 23rd, 2022, 2:24am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts805 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
It's a fun little halloween story. Not much to say as it is, however, I feel that the curse exposition would've been written a little better. Maybe a little more subtle.
Good luck. |
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Andrew |
Posted: October 23rd, 2022, 8:37am |
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Old Timer
Posts1787 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
I liked it! Well written and even though (as the email confirms!) it's a pisstake, it's written really vividly for filming! So am curious to see your other work |
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Reply: 7 - 20 |
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SleepyZillennial |
Posted: October 23rd, 2022, 12:39pm |
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I liked the cursed toaster idea! It was a really cute idea. Not sure by the ending if it was not real but I thought the script was cute. Nice job! |
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Reply: 8 - 20 |
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ColinS |
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 7:59am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts239 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I'm all for a three-pager, especially when there are quite a few entries to read. Kudos for that.
I liked it and it's well-written for sure but when it's so short it lacks a little bit of plot and build-up etc.
Felt a little bit like a comedy sketch or a long played-out joke - a good one, don't get me wrong, but I'm on the fence as to whether it meets the challenge parameters. As it was clever and fun, so I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt on that.
Well done. |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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SAC |
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 8:26am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3214 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
I was pre-hating this script because of all the early reads, but this was pretty good. A little over the top and a little too cute at times (what’s with the bolded name? Is that a new thing?), but overall a good effort.
Steve |
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Reply: 10 - 20 |
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kcranford |
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 10:25am |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts375 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
My favorite of the scripts I've read so far. Yes, it's really short, but I loved that it had a cute twist at the end and no graphic violence (but that's just me). This would make a great SNL skit. Good job and thanks for sharing! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 11 - 20 |
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AlsoBen |
Posted: October 25th, 2022, 12:32am |
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Been Around
LocationAustralia Posts728 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
I cannot stop laughing at "manscaped".
The overt Scooby Doo references and covert ones (characters named "hanna" and "barbara") are kind of cute.
Funny enough, I don't ever really know what to say about shorts under 5 pages. |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: October 26th, 2022, 9:36am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7968 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
This was fun. On screen and the writing! Great title too. It was so overdramatic, it was great. I giggled quite a bit which is great for three pages. I bet you someone will hit you up and ask for permission to shoot it. In fact, I wouldn't mind myself. It's a fun little piece. |
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LC |
Posted: October 26th, 2022, 7:55pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7639 Posts Per Day 1.33 |
Hey, Walt! (Disney, not White). I cannot let this (below) pass, it's just not in my nature: Half a bagel lay on the counterYou know this is just plain wrong, right? On more than one count. I thought Joseph (the way you described him) was alive at first, then dead, then raised from the dead, apparently. Speaking of, I like Robert's suggestion of zombies. Anyway, my point was it raised a chuckle. FYI: The nifty inclusions/descriptions that raised an additional smile - Upper middle class, quality marble countertops etc., will go unnoticed unless they're SUPERIMPOSED, or included in dialogue. There's an idea. You could have on one hand done more with this, on the other hand you played it wisely and didn't overstay your welcome. I look forward to more from pisstake productions. |
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big lew |
Posted: October 26th, 2022, 8:25pm |
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New Rewriting Sucks!
LocationWater Mill, New York Posts92 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
With the back of my hand pressed to my forehead, I'm in a dither, but I must say...FUNNY! Love the intended over acting and the threat of a diabolical toaster. Clever reveal for Joseph.
I dread to think what would have happened if the refrigerator was possessed!
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Zack |
Posted: October 27th, 2022, 3:08pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4510 Posts Per Day 0.68 |
This is a good one. Funny stuff. Writing's great, short and punchy. No complaints here. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 30th, 2022, 4:01pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1863 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
A pisstake like the old days Short and sweet. At one point I was trying to figure out when Joesph died ?? It was well written and creative. Not sure it met the parameters of the OWC but pisstakes rarely do |
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Reply: 17 - 20 |
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steven8 |
Posted: November 2nd, 2022, 11:44pm |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1165 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Oh boy, this is the most fun and best reviews I think I've ever had. Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I do these OWCs when they really strike my fancy and then write them in one sitting like a guy with his buddies on an all-nighter in college. Laughing at any and all in-jokes I can get in there, etc. More than likely that's why I always land in the also-rans, but what the heck. A few things: Manscaping is about more than just 'down below': https://www.themodestman.com/what-is-manscaping/
Quoted Text The overt Scooby Doo references and covert ones (characters named "hanna" and "barbara") are kind of cute. |
You saw it, and soooo close, but look at all the names and totally connect the dots.
Quoted Text (what’s with the bolded name? Is that a new thing?) |
It's a shot, and the accompanying dialog is O.S.
Quoted Text I bet you someone will hit you up and ask for permission to shoot it. In fact, I wouldn't mind myself. It's a fun little piece. |
You're more than welcome if you like, Grandma Bear. I'd be proud!! Last but not least, I'm excited to have raised the public's awareness of 4 SLICE TOASTERS and HIGH QUALITY MARBLE COUNTERTOPS. I feel they've been badly neglected for far too long. |
| 34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time... |
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DrFrank |
Posted: November 3rd, 2022, 1:49pm |
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Posts18 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Loved this story. Perfect example of not taking yourself too seriously and focusing on entertaining your audience. If you can make your reader laugh, then you know that whoever watches the final film will laugh even harder.
Your writing also is very to the point and deliberate, no fat. Something that I'm trying to develop in my own writings.
Thanks for participating! |
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steven8 |
Posted: November 3rd, 2022, 6:27pm |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1165 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Loved this story. Perfect example of not taking yourself too seriously and focusing on entertaining your audience. If you can make your reader laugh, then you know that whoever watches the final film will laugh even harder.
Your writing also is very to the point and deliberate, no fat. Something that I'm trying to develop in my own writings.
Thanks for participating! |
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks! |
| 34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time... |
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