666 Riverview Lane by Anonymous - The Devil gets more than he bargained for when a group of trick or treaters don't react well when they learn he isn't giving out candy.  Short, Horror

Writer,

Pretty good one first out of the gate! Well written, easy to follow along. Is the Jersey Shore still a thing anymore. Seems like you could have been more current with the tv show. That said, this was fun and all but even tho the kids were idiots in the end, it seems that your ending could have had a bigger impact if, say, the devil had somehow come to believe the kids were nice or something. Or somehow connected with them. Or something along those lines. Would have stood out more, imo. Anyway, very well done!

Steve

Well written and funny. I did feel a bit like I was waiting for the other shoe that never dropped. You kinda want the guy to unleash on them. Or at least get a hint that he might.

This is connected to my main note, which is that I think in order to sell your premise in an actual film, you need to show the devil have devil powers. Given the visuals here, we have no reason to understand that this is the real devil rather than just some guy. And if we see that he has actual powers, the fact that he doesn’t do anything at the end will be funnier.

Unless I misunderstood and he’s not actually actually The Devil. But that’s what I got from your description.

When he's angrily turning up the T.V, maybe the remote could turn red and steam. Or whenever he got angry, he would go on fire. It was funny but I also agree that it needed a bigger impact. You mentioned the self help books, show us the Devil mediating or even better...doing Yoga. You could create a very funny image with something like that. By the way what does the address over the door read?  

Nice funny story! I like this image of the Devil, a grouchy couch-potato, learning self-control... But I would have expected some kind of twist in the end, like maybe the Devil turning the two naughty kids into pigs or chicken or something (a fair punishment for throwing eggs at the horned fellow). Good job overall!

This was fun but could have been a lot better.
There is no shock factor or twist at the end unless the Devil not giving out candy is a shock.

I loved your portrayal of the Devil, but maybe we could have known why he hates Halloween, and maybe instead of Jersey Shore, he could have been watching the Passion of the Christ

The ending could have somehow revealed that he was in Hell and the kids are actual little demons bothering him.

Anyway, a rewrite would make this a much more exciting script.
Great premise

This is comedic enough, the visual of Satan just chillaxing in front of the boobtube chowing down on popcorn. I always thought his choice of gluttony would be a little more sinful, like say… chocolate covered jujubes or something terribly bad for you.

I was waiting for some crazy twisted ending, like him going full badass on the kids for relentlessly pestering him for so long, but alas, he simply slams the door in frustration  

The story itself is entertaining, the writing is tight, and it kept me engaged; I think deep down we all like these spooky yet tame Halloween tales sans all the blood and gore, something à la Scooby-Doo, Goosebumps, After School Special… heck, I even like that goofy Adam Sandler movie Hubie Halloween.

Well done for the challenge, a fun Halloween atmosphere. Best of luck

I liked the humor in this. I understand that part of the humor is that this is the Devil and yet his hands are tied for some reason. It could even be his punishment somehow, that he has to put up with humiliation from trick-or-treating kids. Didn't matter to me since it's only 6 pages and something is going to be left out.

The issue for me is that I was expecting more of a shock at the end. Perhaps the shock was that the Devil just put up with the egging and didn't hit the kids with fireballs.

Still... it was pretty funny.

The Devil grits his teeth, trying to keep his demeanor calm --
no doubt channeling his therapist’s suggestions...
Perfect spot here to add to the comedy and specifically say what his therapist suggested - even if it's just: 'breathe in and hold, breathe out, relax' or 'go to your happy place' or some yogi chant.

The address
over the door reads:
Reads what? 666?

No ages for the kids - 'humor us'?
Hmm, I don't think kids utter that phrase.

The kids spot Jersey Shore playing.  
Nitpick: If he's at the door he can't cover the TV.

noticeable
noticeably

Would be better imho if that final egg hit the Devil square in the face, but hmm, you have it ricochet onto his face so the visual was good.

Terrific setup here and I loved the humour! Unfortunately it kinda goes nowhere at the end. Some kind of punchline/twist/shock is needed.

That said, this will score highly with me because of its entertainment value,

Page 2 - who is the devil talking to? If himself then it is (Aside)

Oh dear what a let down after some good banter at the devil's door. Delinquent kids - don't you just loathe them?

No candy so just egg the miserable bastards. Yeah.

Decent enough but no bite, so to speak. Maybe you just couldn't think of one. Actually that said, you probably did the right thing as there are far too many spoilers going around.

jetting - jutting?

I liked this, well written and a nice quick read.

My only observation is that I didn't really get a twist. If it is that he is actually really THE Devil then we need to see something that shows that...

Good effort though.

The Devil diminished, via therapy, to "going to his safe place" and it seems to be working!  Seems he's become a pacifist LOL.  All I can say is that must be one "Hell" of a therapist!  I liked the idea of the entire story, but I guess I was a bit surprised that the Devil didn't come back in full force after the trio of bratty kids.  The writing is good and the script looks professional - no beef with anything really.  A nice "G" rated story - after my very own heart.  Nice entry writer.

Quoted from kcranford The Devil diminished, via therapy, to "going to his safe place" and it seems to be working!  Seems he's become a pacifist LOL.  All I can say is that must be one "Hell" of a therapist!  I liked the idea of the entire story, but I guess I was a bit surprised that the Devil didn't come back in full force after the trio of bratty kids.  The writing is good and the script looks professional - no beef with anything really.  A nice "G" rated story - after my very own heart.  Nice entry writer.

For this challenge I think you're on the money, Kathy. The therapy should have worked up to a point and after the egging the Devil mutter 'stuff the therapy', completely lose it and revert to type. Perhaps be eating a nice piece of Death by Chocolate cake afterwards too. Just my added 2c.

Ahoy Anonymous - I'll try not to rehash what's been said. Lot of good feedback. A couple thoughts: luv they way you incorporated the Halloween theme throughout where as some felt shoehorned in, and a few others' left it out completely. So brownie points. Would I had liked for some sort of twist or surprise ending - yep, but you know what, I'm OK with the road who've taken.

Anywaz, a joy to read. Best of Irish luck! -A

I'm totally on board with this one -- great humor utilized throughout and very visual.  Just the thought of the Devil trying to hold it in while kids are constantly interrupting his evening is funny to think about. I also like the interaction between the devil and the kids -- great back and forth there.

Yeah, there's no reall twist or shock at the end, but overall this is a well-written piece.  Good job.

This was fun and well-written.

Admittedly, I do share the gripe about the Devil being such an "everyday man" to the point where it feels like some old grump that is dressed up as the Devil for Halloween. I just wonder whether if your Devil lived on a Street named "Hell", in a hellish castle amongst a number of other hellish properties, it would've helped me buy into who he actually is. And the sheer audacity of the children to trick n treat on that road may have added some fun narrative.

However, if this was some dude who just thinks he's the Devil, that is really funny. I just wish it could've been affirmed or hinted.

Good enjoyable stuff, nevertheless.

I really liked the premise and feel it has legs but there's no pay-off. He's the Devil but so what? It doesn't factor at all into the story.

Maybe having him do some magic or flexing a little bit of his strength would make it work.

6 pages is really tough to write but I think the ending could be better.

A VERY WELL CRAFTED Devil who has given up his old ways. Laughterd out lound many times at the characterizations of the Devil and the kids.
I wouldn’t have minded a taboo ending with the kids destroyed in some gruesome way, with the Devil calling his therapist, “ah, guess what?"

Funny stuff and after reading your story, that old devil
could easily be me. I totally identified with him. I agree
that the ending needed a jolt.
If that old devil still has some fire in him, he should
decapitate those jerky kids, then set up their heads on
a porch table with a sign that reads: No F----g Candy
For You. then he could go back to watching Tv and eating
Devil's Food cake or some shit.
Great fun overall. Look at all the comments you got!

After the opening scenes, I went into this with high hopes.  Great set-up.

But then it just kind of plods along.  Some of it is cute, but if you're going to use the Devil ("yes, that Devil"), then you maybe shouldn't go 100% conventional.

He needs a moment to shine.  Here, your devil could have been just anyone in numerous iterations of this familiar Halloween scenario. I mean, I get that is kind of the point, but it seems to be the only point.

I liked this alright, but wanted more from it.