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The Trick - OWC (currently 361 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 10:43am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The Trick by Jack B. Nimble - It's all fun and games--until it isn't. Short, Horror |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Heretic |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 2:16pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Minor logic question — Mark is scared from the start, as though they have a plan. But she doesn’t make the plan until they see the house. So why is he agitated at the start? “I don’t like this” - what exactly?
Lots of Mark lines where the subtext is text — not sure if these work as jokes. The penis line and “horror movie hater like me” both feel a bit stiff.
Honestly, a lot of dialogue to get them to the house. All she really needs to say is “Something like that — I’ll make it worth your while.” Get ‘em in the house fast!
Fun turn for the second half. I think you could hit it way harder in the first half with really having Jess tease him and really have him playing cowardly. And I think there could be a bit more in the setup to define the relationship between these two — the twist feels a bit out of left field because it’s not clear whether Mark is luring her here or why she knows this guy who is involved in this nefarious business.
Fun scary house stuff overall and yeah, a good turn. |
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Reply: 1 - 15 |
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LC |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 8:26pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
MARK Fine. But only because I’m a guy who makes decisions with my penis.Great line. This took a U-turn I wasn't expecting in a very short space of time. It's a genuinely scary idea someone being not who they appear to be, but I'd use the allowed page count to expand on this, and use the extra pages to build suspense/intrigue before the shock ending. |
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Reply: 2 - 15 |
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Maroun |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 4:26am |
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January Project Group
LocationParis, France Posts17 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
A nice serial killer horror story, with an evil Dexter-like character; nice one!
My two cents on the matter; you could slide in, somewhere in the first part, that Mark and Jess met recently, to prepare the audience for the final twist. If they had known each other for a long time, as they seem to be right now, it wouldn't be very realistic.
Apart from that, great horror story, and easily producible. |
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Reply: 3 - 15 |
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Gum |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 4:01pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Just curious why you didn’t keep going or use the existing real estate (pages) to build something a little bigger, as is it just happened too fast to get my bearings.
Mark was the one who didn’t want to go into the house, that house in particular, but he telecast the ending up front with “It’s an invitation to a horrible, diabolical murder. Don’t you watch horror movies?” So maybe he knew exactly what was in store for the both of them.
I think, and it’s just opinion, that they go in the house and Mark is genuinely scared shitless, but then some ghostly entity possesses him and he becomes the Maître d' of some ghoulish terror hotel/brothel that only opens its doors on Halloween night, and like in the Shining, the landlord is chosen by the hotel itself to be the ‘deliverance’ of horror from within.
Anyway, with only 3 pages of script it’s hard to build detailed feedback for you to go on, so I’ll leave at that. The writing is good and the cadence of action to dialog flowed well, just wish there was more to the story. Best of luck. |
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Reply: 4 - 15 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 4:02pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Writer,
Short and to the point. And so is my review. Nice little short you got on your hands here. Nothing groundbreaking, but still fun so nicely done.
Nothing substantial to add.
All the best,
Ghost |
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Reply: 5 - 15 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 4:21pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
So Mark had zero intentions of going to the house, and not just once, he said multiple times. But yet he was the bad guy who benefitted from Jess going?? He also didn't see the house til later. What if Jess agreed, and they went somewhere else? Maybe you should have made it more enticing for Mark and have a follow-up from Jess after the penis comment. Perhaps he'll get to use it. It was a good twist and you followed all the parameters. The story was well-written and could benefit from a rewrite for clarity. Good job on entering |
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Reply: 6 - 15 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 9:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Short and sweet, not sure the intro and Mark's reluctance totally work but it doesn't spoil it.
Well written and I can see this getting filmed. |
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Reply: 7 - 15 |
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D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 6:20pm |
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New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts223 Posts Per Day 0.46 |
I have an appreciation for the brevity. The story is complete in few words. No fillers. If you have the talent to do this on features, more power to you. This had some excitement and met the requirements.
On the other hand, I personally would have liked more story. |
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Reply: 8 - 15 |
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SAC |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 5:44am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Short and sweet, right to the point, but a little too tidy for me. A lot of stars aligning for Mark to know that she would even want to go into that house. That could have used some foreshadowing or a scene showing he literally knows her very well, or a line exposing this near the end. Good effort!
Steve |
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Reply: 9 - 15 |
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kcranford |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 9:20am |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
This one checks the boxes for Halloween and horror - horror for sure. My first read through, I thought Mark and Jess were two males - gay males maybe after the seduction line LOL - but on my second read through I noticed that Jess was referred to as "she". Good writing skills on display here - and I liked the twist of Mark ultimately being the killer - not exactly sure how he got Jess to pick the exact house he wanted to trap her in, but it still worked. Creepy little short here - good work and thanks for sharing on the OWC! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 10 - 15 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 11:03am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Good effort on this one -- I think I agree with others that maybe Mark should somehow make the suggestion that they go to the house, and she readily agrees, but then he starts to show some hesitation afterwards. Just something to tie the fact that Mark is the one who's committing the atrocities. It certainly ramped up once they got in the house. Some nice visuals and call outs to the haunted house tropes.
Best of luck with it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 11 - 15 |
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ColinS |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 1:31pm |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Great little tale, you get quite a lot in for three pages.
"It’s an invitation to a horrible, diabolical murder" - Love that precursor.
Just wonder at the end whether Mark could instead repeat the line - "What? Don't you watch horror movies?"
Liked this one a lot, great stuff!
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| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 12 - 15 |
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Stoneyscripts |
Posted: October 25th, 2023, 4:59am |
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New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
Just read this is two minutes, so I'll be brief. The brevity spoils the build up IMO. Some of the dialogue was a tad unrealistic. Example: "I think with my penis." Never heard a guy say this about himself, usually that would be said about him.
Also I felt that I was being led into the conclusion. So no real intrigue there.
It was defo a Halloween yarn but needed more of a build up for me to be fulfilled.
So many comments about rewrites and so on but I would consider this to be one that will gather dust in your files, like so many of these OWC entries, including my own. |
| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
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Reply: 13 - 15 |
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bert |
Posted: October 26th, 2023, 3:50pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
This one doesn't make a whole lot of sense, really, but I suppose that is why the twist is so surprising and seems to come out of nowhere.
Some of the dialogue works well, and the story is succinctly told, but it feels more like the script just kind of spins off the rails in the last half-page or so. |
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Reply: 14 - 15 |
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Abe from LA |
Posted: October 26th, 2023, 7:33pm |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
This didn't work for me and I blame the set up. Jess did everything to get Mark into that creepy house, even when he balked at the idea. As it turns out, that house is home base for blood-letting. Hmm. Once inside the house, the story goes straight for the throat. It's only 3 pages, so I think you got caught short on time or something. Maybe Jess should set up Mark. She might be the perfect witch at heart. We need some female characters to give the male monsters a run for their money. |
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Reply: 15 - 15 |
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