|
Author |
Netflix and Chill - OWC (currently 662 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 10:44am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Netflix and Chill by Reed Hastings - A young couple don't quite have the night they expected. Short, Horror |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Heretic |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 2:43pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Good premise, good payoff, WAY overwritten. Stuff like this thrives on being short and sweet. We know where it’s headed as soon as we see the POV onscreen, so just get us there.
Some very funny moments in the writing and some nice little side gags.
Knock this down into a three minute short and I think it’s super produceable and very much something someone would make. |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 15 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 8:11pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Haha, love your title page.
I think you have a great premise here which I don't think you committed to fully.
Instead of 'similar' I wish you'd chosen identical. That's then a very scary situation.
If only they'd been watching a Halloween movie and were maybe dressed in costume too (for this challenge at least).
A lot to work with here, just have those settings duplicate imho. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 15 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 9:16am |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Overwritten, but I like what you did. It actually reminds me of a Black Mirror episode, oddly enough, on Netflix. No Halloween theme and no major twist or shock at the end. The story was building, and I was hoping for a carbon copy of what was happening in the room, then it just ended with wine on the crotch Parameters not there Good job on entering |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 15 |
|
|
Gum |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 4:16pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
This was entertaining enough, and I think quite easy to replicate on video, but there might be a tad too much story building up to the finale. The theme elements were there so, check. I thought she was gonna be killed by the intruder, the fact it was footage from a previous movie is something I didn’t see coming so kudos. Anyhoo, best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 15 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 5:42pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Reed Hastings - ahh, I can remember plenty of nights when we would just kicked back and chill while watching Netflix - until we promptly dropped our subscription like a bad habit! Ok, all the A/D lines after almost every bit of dialogue really slowed the read, the pacing for me. Ask yourself were most of those descriptions necessary??? Hmmm... as far as the story, a nice concept, I found it a bit amusing and overall liked it - just wasn't inebriated with it. Best of Irish luck! -A |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 15 |
|
|
Gary in Houston |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 11:30am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
This is a definitely a clever concept but I feel like it could have been handled in about three pages. I think there’s actually an argument that using practically no dialogue would have almost worked better in this instance and built the suspense even more. In this case, it seemed like the dialogue was interrupting the flow.
You have an unfilmable in Stevo’s description (how do we know she thinks that about him?) and there was some dialogue that escaped me because I think it’s banter that’s more slang for the area you’re from. Just nitpicking there - might consider that in a rewrite.
Overall a pretty good story. Best of luck. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
|
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 15 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 5:17am |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
So I really, sadly, didn’t get what happened here. I was left very confused by the ending, which was just, well, confusing and didn’t make much sense to me. You have a decent premise here, but that’s where it ended for me. Some more clarity would have helped, because it’s not enough that YOU know what’s going on, but your reader needs to know what’s going on, too. Then again, it could be just me. Good effort, nevertheless.
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 15 |
|
|
kcranford |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 10:43am |
|
|
New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Another one I really like! A horror that ultimately turns comedic - I certainly didn't know what was going to happen until the very end. Apparently Bea was not at all amused though. Another one though that merely "shoe-horned" in a Halloween reference, so technically I suppose it meets criteria, but I would have like to have had a little more of that aspect added. All in all though, a good, spooky story with a fun ending (even though I cringed at anyone wasting wine!). Thanks for sharing! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 15 |
|
|
ColinS |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 11:05am |
|
|
January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I love what you created here conceptually, the foundations for really creepy stuff! I think it's been explored in horror a bit but it's still a fresh concept for you to perhaps expand on what you have already.
Yeah, a little over-writing with the character descriptions etc and arguably too many camera directives but I do give you a pass on direction when it comes to horror.
Good stuff, clever idea. |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 15 |
|
|
Stoneyscripts |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 12:40pm |
|
|
New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
Ok. Just read this and I wasn't ecstatic I'm afraid. Too much prose and not enough screenplay, excluding video scenes. Dialogue far too much. Was she talking to Steve while he was asleep? If not then she was speaking ASIDE.
Not an ALEWIFE in sight. A witches hat and not a fish. Ha!
Was this really Halloween?
One positive note to add is that I reckon there is a narrative here, just needs to be written with more care and precision.
Good luck with this and I hope you can expand the narrative because it is a good one in my honest opinion. |
| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
And many many more...
|
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 15 |
|
|
Yuvraj |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 8:35pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts796 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
I'm lost. I don't know what to make of it. It comes off as a comedy that intentionally subverts the expectation of a gore ending. While deviating from an expected outcome works well, unfortunately, it's not the case here. The dialogs also don't help. I wish the ending were something different.
Good luck. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 15 |
|
|
DrFrank |
Posted: October 25th, 2023, 3:52pm |
|
|
Posts18 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Others have talked about shortening the length but I think the dialogue could be a little better. This reads a little like how an older person thinks young people talk.
Also, I feel like the ending could be a little more climactic. I'm not saying everyone has to die but I feel like there's no payoff. |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 15 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: October 26th, 2023, 2:56pm |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
This was fine, with a good twist. Expecting a conventional horror and got something else, but no complaints.
I laughed when the script opened up on its cover page.
My only advice here is to give these guys a television. It seems like all of this would be far more effective on a nice, big flatscreen instead of a crummy laptop. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 15 |
|
|
Abe from LA |
Posted: October 27th, 2023, 5:23am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Thematically, this reminded me of the movie Vacancy with Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale from way back when. Stevo should wake up to help give the story more tension. Why not end with Bea getting attacked as seen on the laptop screen. A solid story that needs to move faster and be tighter. |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 15 |
|
|