All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
On 4 -- and a couple of other times, I feel like the action description could place a bit more emphasis! Mostly talking about the moment where a child falls out of the box, haha. Kinda want the script to make a bigger deal out of this because it seems like a big deal.
Good enough payoff. The moment where they both bow their heads and close their eyes is nice and scary. I think the main issue here is that with the chaos of the first half, it doesn't feel like we get much of a setup for the payoff that's to come. It'd be nice to get some breadcrumbs so we feel like the ending doesn't come totally out of nowhere.
The two leads are funny in the right way and you did a good job of capturing the YouTube vibe, by the way. Nice work.
Ok, first script out of the box, pun badly intended. Just not sure what to make of it. It's like reading two different scripts, but I think the second storyline would have been better served if the first one had been used to someone provide a reference point to the second. Otherwise, it feels like three pages that aren't really relevant to the end result.
I hope I'm in the minority on this but I think you should either re-do the first few pages to somehow tie them in to the back end. The surprise, which is good in and of itself, is kind of out of left field because we've only been introduced to the brother at the end and he had nothing to do with the first part of the story. Maybe at least put him in there somewhere -- a cute, innocent, kid being taken advantage of by the older girls, and then maybe this would have more of an impact. Best of luck with it.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Definitely hits its stride for Horror in the second half. First part was a bit discombobulating for me.
Great premise. Edit: By great premise I mean the 'unboxing online' idea is terrific. I'd personally write it straight, less wacky, as they unbox something sinister. FYI: Joe Hill (Stephen King's son) wrote a novel about a guy who purchases a ghost on eBay. Mixing the spooky and surreal with tech is a good mix.
Ok, read it. An easy read, but your opening few pages didn't leave me captivated by the people or by what they're doing. The second part played a bit better but not by much.
It seems like you stopped mid point and decided to tell another tale. There's a missing link somewhere.
Having said all that, it's not unpleasant, it's just not firing on all cylinders (again, my opinion). But who knows, I could give it a second go and be hooked.
I too had trouble connecting the two halves. It read well but I was thrown off by the FADE OUT between halves. It might have been better to go with VIDEO ENDS to let me know that I was watching a video that just ended. Otherwise I felt like I had just read two independent stories and it took me a moment to realize that it was somehow a continuation of the same story.
I had a bit of trouble understanding the ending. It took me a few passes to catch on what Sam was thirsty for. Could be that I was just tired.
The characters were believable as influencers. It definitely fits as a horror story.
Ok, yeah. Needed a double read to unwind this thing, but that’s OK, the ending was a good twist in itself. I’ve never witnessed an unboxing video on YouTube, so I wasn’t sure what was transpiring. I guess influencers open packages their viewers have sent them, and it pretty much goes from there? All good.
Anyway, Maggie and Gemma decide to kick it up a notch for clout and do a mock demonic scenario using Maggie’s brother Sam as the sacrificial lamb, probably freaking out the viewers in the process, until the reveal that it was all a gag. But now Maggie and Sam decide to turn it on Gemma and use her as the sacrificial lamb in what can only be construed as a ‘real’ vampire feast scenario… or is it?
One of the things we strive for in screenwriting is clarity. Afraid there’s not much here. The initial unboxing I couldn’t figure out what it was they were supposed to be unboxing, so that left me confused. Then later, Sam comes out of nowhere and they’re vampires someone gets cut and bleeding and… Basically, I felt very lost here as to what was happening. I think you have a very good premise though, for sure, but the execution was something else entirely. Good effort!
Once again I was a bit confused by the flow of this. I'm guessing the first video in which Gemma is the vampire was a gag and then in the second video, supposedly a makeup tutorial, Maggie and Sam turn out to be real vampires? That was what I finally decided. I guess I'm out of the loop anyway because I didn't understand the term "unboxing". Is that a thing? Like YouTube videos? Guess I need to get out more. Anyway, the writing wasn't lacking, but as Steve mentions above, more clarity would have been helpful in following the plot. JMHO as always. Thanks for joining in the fun of the Halloween OWC!
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC)
A lot goes on at the beginning to properly register everything. It felt part comedy and part horror to me. I know you were going for a 'turn tables' type scenario that I liked. However, the flow of the story doesn't help in enjoying the twist at the end.
This felt to me like it was two entries in one bag. The first I thought was a bit silly. The 2nd was better.
Issues I had with this was that there was no (cont'd) with who was speaking, so I had to keep checking who was saying what to who.
Unboxing is a term I'm not familiar with so had to check that out.
Overall for me this just doesn't work but good luck with your entry.
My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
Conceptually, this is cool. Unboxing videos are big deals to some YouTube viewers. I don't care for them, but it definitely has an audience. Connecting the scenes here is a challenge. I like the vampire angle, but it needs reworking. I would make more out of the gagged kid that falls out of the box. Clarity is what's needed. Some potential and the idea is good, but work on the execution. Keep writing.