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Lines - WT2 - Optioned (currently 3558 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 10:40pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16474 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Lines by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Anybody's Guess - Short, Thriller - A husband and wife face separate, deadly decisions. Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - September 9th, 2022, 7:29pm | I had the fucking title wrong all these years and nobody bothered to tell me? Ouch! nlm ;) | | |
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stevie |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:56am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Oh nice work! I was digging this and wondering - and hoping - it didn't end lamely. And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the use of the ketchup packets! There was a bit of vagueness to the actual story but it gave the script a noir type feel. An early fave |
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LC |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 7:58am |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Haha! What a switcheroo. I loved everything except this line: She’s my blood. My angel. Just sounded like you wanted to make sure we got that along with the theme.
Suspenseful and clever and funny as well. And cleverly met the criteria. Nice one. |
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FrankM |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 11:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I like this one but don't have much to say about it. I'd make it a tad clearer that some time passed between getting in the car and the shots ringing out.
Good use of all the variables here. Steve and Leslie have "blood" vs. "water" moments but only if you consider marriage to be water. I think it counts. |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 1:40pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi,
A tidy story and a fantastic ending. Just thought it was a bit fortunate Leslie happened to look in a toolbox to find a loaded gun. Interplay between Leslie and Stella was great but Steve was a bit of a caricature. I liked this story a lot.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:16pm |
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LocationUK Posts4327 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Apart from some overly convenient coincidences I thought this was very good.
Seen the Ketchup used that way before but I still didn't spot it coming - good job!
She's my blood. Too OTN but a minor quibble.
Good job |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 4:55pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4202 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
After the first scene it started reading a lot matter-of-factly. Almost like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And then coincidetal "let's check on your dad" didn't help. But the fact she overheard the convo between her husband and the thugs and what they decided to do was quite a pay off. And everyone got what they deserved. So overall I liked it a lot. Let's see how I rate it at the end. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 3:55am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop
Lots to love in this and I liked the writing.
I have to say I struggled with the ketchup blood moment
This could be a sound short with a few more pages and time.
Decent effort. |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 5:44am |
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LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.
There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.
And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.
My hat is off to you, top work.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 11:50am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Nice reveal. And I thought you were just doing the old shoehorn with the ketchup packets. Best use of an object so far during this little tourney!
No complaints - Good work, writer. |
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Spqr |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 7:07pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Powerful. Solid characters. Good plot. Good pace. And it proves the antithesis of the theme. |
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Warren |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:08pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Great writing and hits all the beats it needs to.
Nothing else to say really. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:14pm |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 9:25pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Wow. Damn you, writer!! How dare you write something so freakin good during this crazy challenge!!
So first, I hate you.
Second...this was so good. Everything about it was good. And the ketchup packets! Damn you!
Easy win here. Excellent job. |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 9:41am |
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That is quite good, I must say.
Bravo! |
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ajr |
Posted: July 16th, 2020, 6:14am |
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Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Definitely some impressive work here.
Most inventive and best use of a prop I've seen. Vital to the story. A plot element, in fact. Homemaker and Auto Body shop have a lot of variety but ketchup was daunting, until you make the connection that ketchup could = blood and then it has a lot of utility. Not sure I would have gotten there in my own mind, so kudos to you.
I think the theme is satisfied because it's the antithesis, as Sean has allowed us to explore. Steve just wants to save his own neck, so no thickness here at all.
And the theme is once again satisfied with him wanting to protect Stella, and yes, I think that tiny bit on the nose line of "she's my blood" is necessary, if only to show that there are things that this otherwise POS values. And yes, she's related to him by blood, and his wife is not.
And I saw a comment earlier about the gun - I think it's completely plausible that Leslie could know that Steve hides a gun in a toolbox. Not everything needs to be sledgehammered home to the reader.
So here's where I'll get booed, and it won't really matter in the end anyway because this is a cut above and I'm sure mostly everyone has voted already.
I found the actions and motivations of Victor completely unrealistic. He says he's going to take his daughter, which means he's a vicious human being, and then he allows Steve to bargain. Now the bargain where Steve can trade his own life for his daughter's is plausible, but to allow him to give up his wife? At that moment, any ruthless drug dealer would know that he's not getting the "proper motivation" if his customer is so willing to become a widow. And of course the plot turns on Victor's decision.
Steve's reaction to seeing his daughter supposedly dead is also a little underwhelming here, however that could have been a casualty of page count.
Anyway, great job, very well written, and inventive use of the prop.
AJR
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Don |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 7:29pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16474 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Optioned. |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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LC |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 7:39pm |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Congrats, PK. Great script... And use of ketchup. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 7:45pm |
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LocationErlanger, KY Posts4508 Posts Per Day 0.68 |
Congrats Paul! |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 26th, 2021, 9:12pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
One of my favorites from that WT! Good luck, Paul |
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Warren |
Posted: April 27th, 2021, 12:02am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Congrats, mate. Love to hear it. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 27th, 2021, 3:27am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Sweet! Best of luck with the production! |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 27th, 2021, 1:29pm |
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LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Thanks, everybody.
This short was nearly optioned three times previously, but COVID really made things difficult.
I'm excited about the director. She's new to the game, but her first short was really well done. And, she's been great to deal with so far.
The plan is to have this shot by the end of the year, but who knows in these weird times.
I'll keep everybody posted! |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 27th, 2021, 2:45pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1309 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Paul, congrats you devil. Keep churning out the good stuff. Something big is going to happen for you, I know. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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PKCardinal |
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 2:58pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Quick update: LINES was filmed and is currently in post production. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Zack |
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 3:53pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4508 Posts Per Day 0.68 |
Sweet! Looking forward to seeing the finished product. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 4:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Sweet! Looking forward to seeing the finished product. |
Pre production was a great experience, so I'm very hopeful this turns out well. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Warren |
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 4:40pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Quick update: LINES was filmed and is currently in post production. |
Awesome news, looking forward to seeing it. |
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LC |
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 5:16pm |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Congrats, PK! And what Warren said. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: August 24th, 2022, 2:21pm |
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LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
LINES makes its official premiere at the Virtual UCLAx Film Festival in a couple of weeks. For those that enjoy festivals, this one is entirely online. You can get tickets at the following link, as well as watch a trailer for the festival. (There are several shots from LINES in the trailer, though you won't know which they are!) Also, you'll have the opportunity to vote for LINES for the Audience Choice Award! (Should we earn your vote. Which I hope we will.) Sept. 9-12 - VIRTUAL UCLAx Film Festival: https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adce. Tickets are free. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Warren |
Posted: August 25th, 2022, 7:42pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
LINES makes its official premiere at the Virtual UCLAx Film Festival in a couple of weeks. For those that enjoy festivals, this one is entirely online. You can get tickets at the following link, as well as watch a trailer for the festival. (There are several shots from LINES in the trailer, though you won't know which they are!) Also, you'll have the opportunity to vote for LINES for the Audience Choice Award! (Should we earn your vote. Which I hope we will.) Sept. 9-12 - VIRTUAL UCLAx Film Festival: https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adce. Tickets are free. |
Will try my best to be there! |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 25th, 2022, 8:24pm |
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LocationSouthern California Posts6875 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: August 26th, 2022, 11:15am |
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LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Will try my best to be there!
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It's really just a ticket to watch all the shorts at any time during the three days. Then, you're allowed to vote. So, if you like watching shorts, you can see a bunch at any time over the 3 day period. If not, I'll be providing a link to LINES as soon as the director gives me permission. So, you'll see it eventually! |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Warren |
Posted: August 28th, 2022, 6:04pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
It's really just a ticket to watch all the shorts at any time during the three days. Then, you're allowed to vote.
So, if you like watching shorts, you can see a bunch at any time over the 3 day period. If not, I'll be providing a link to LINES as soon as the director gives me permission. So, you'll see it eventually!
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Oh that's great, I'll definitely watch and vote! Would you mind bumping the thread when the festival goes live? |
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LC |
Posted: August 28th, 2022, 8:03pm |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Oh that's great, I'll definitely watch and vote! Would you mind bumping the thread when the festival goes live? |
I agree. Looking forward to seeing this, PK! Let's hope it's not the middle of the night our time. |
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Warren |
Posted: August 28th, 2022, 10:11pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I agree. Looking forward to seeing this, PK! Let's hope it's not the middle of the night our time. |
I think Paul is saying that if you have a ticket you can watch the films in your own time over the 3 day period |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: August 29th, 2022, 10:52am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I think Paul is saying that if you have a ticket you can watch the films in your own time over the 3 day period |
Yes, exactly. At least, that's how I understand it. And, yes, Warren, I'll try and remember to bump the thread! |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 10:24am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Just a reminder that tonight begins the festival for anyone who is interested. The "event" is online only. Tickets are free: https://watch.eventive.org/uclaxfilmfest2022/play/62cdd04742a0f0003673adceJust sign up and anytime this weekend you can watch any of the 21 shorts entered, including LINES. You'll also be eligible to vote for your favorite short for Best Film... whichever that may be. Eventually I'll post a link for anyone that just wants to see LINES. Though, I don't know when the director will release the public link. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 10:49am |
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LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Very exciting! Can't wait to see it!
Good luck in Best in Show vote |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 11:49am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Very exciting! Can't wait to see it!
Good luck in Best in Show vote |
Thanks, Matthew. I hope you enjoy it. I think Celeste did a real nice job with it. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Warren |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 5:10pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Got my ticket, I'm ready to go! |
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LC |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 5:10pm |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Got my ticket! |
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Warren |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 7:15pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Congrats, mate. Really solid work all round. Definitely one to be proud of |
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Don |
Posted: September 9th, 2022, 7:28pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16474 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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LC |
Posted: September 10th, 2022, 3:10am |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 7:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Quick update: Lines will make its big screen debut as an official selection to the LA Shorts International Film Festival at the Laemmle Hollywood Regal Cinemas LA Live in Downtown Los Angeles on Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m. I won't be there, but if anyone on here happens to attend...check it out. And, no matter how its received, tell me everyone loved it. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 7:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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LC |
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 7:44pm |
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LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how. |
PK, I know Don can help you out with this, maybe PM /email it to him? And I know others are in the know too so hopefully they'll jump in. Once we have the code again I'll add it to the Simply Scripts Guide on the main page cause this does come up every now and again. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: June 30th, 2023, 7:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
PK, I know Don can help you out with this, maybe PM /email it to him? And I know others are in the know too so hopefully they'll jump in.
Once we have the code again I'll add it to the Simply Scripts Guide on the main page cause this does come up every now and again.
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Thanks, LC! I'll get it to him. And...work on being smarter. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Warren |
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 2:20am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I have a poster to share... but, for the life of me... I can't figure out how. |
Email it to me and I'll pop it up for you |
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Warren |
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 2:20am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Quick update: Lines will make its big screen debut as an official selection to the LA Shorts International Film Festival at the Laemmle Hollywood on Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m. I won't be there, but if anyone on here happens to attend...check it out. And, no matter how its received, tell me everyone loved it. |
Awesome! Congrats, mate! |
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Reply: 50 - 55 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 1st, 2023, 11:09pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
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| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 51 - 55 |
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Warren |
Posted: July 2nd, 2023, 12:13am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Posted at Paul's request |
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Reply: 52 - 55 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 2nd, 2023, 7:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Correction, in case anyone is interested in attending:
LINES will be showing at the Regal Cinemas LA Live in Downtown Los Angeles (not the Laemmie Hollywood) Thursday, July 20 at 5:30 p.m. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 53 - 55 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 2nd, 2023, 7:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
And, thank you Warren for dropping the poster into the thread. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 54 - 55 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 10:38am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
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| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 55 - 55 |
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