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Trauma Teddy (currently 2883 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 3:26pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Trauma Teddy by Warren Duncan - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Animation - A teddy bear recounts a traumatic event from his past. 4 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - October 30th, 2016, 8:57pm | typo | | |
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SAC |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 4:32pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Haha!! Love it, you sick bastard! Very original, creative. Liked the opening with the shots of the desk and diploma's interspersed with the O.S. dialogue. That worked well because you kept those descriptions brief - one line only.
At work now so I might come back with a bit more detail, but I like this one a lot! Good work.
Steve |
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Warren |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 6:18pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks Steven,
I've been toying with this one for awhile, finally decided to get it down. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - October 30th, 2016, 6:39pm | | |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 8:29pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Wow, that's an awesome concept. Funny stuff. Funny and clever enough that I was actually kind of let down it ended so quickly. You probably wanna keep it as short and easy to make as possible...
But I'd consider having the therapist say something about Teddy needing to get closure. Then next scene is Teddy finding a now grown up Bobby working at some office and beating the crap out of him in broad daylight. Or at least some kind of entertaining confrontation between a grown up Bobby and this giant talking Teddy Bear.
I think there's a lot of potential there. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Warren |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:25pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hey, mate.
Thanks for the read.
Yes page count was definitely a consideration for this one because of what it is.
I guess I didn't want to encroach on Ted territory and just wanted to get out my very contained idea.
Cheers, appreciated as always |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Really liked this, clever role reverasal and funny (in a you-sick-f@ck kinda way).
Couple of niggly bits... - Not sure why first few line of dialogue are O.S. as we're in the office with them. - Think Maria is introduced without CAPS. - Felt ending was a little abrupt, though loved the end line!
Good job.
Anthony |
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LC |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 10:40pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Nothing to add other than what's been said really. I do like MIZ's comment about Teddy 'needing closure' but more in dialogue from the Shrink, rather than adding another scene.
This is funny and effective in a cornball kinda way. And original. I enjoyed it.
P.S. Re Ant's comment, I assume the reason for O.S. at the top is so we hear voices only and then the surprise reveal that these two are in fact Teddy Bears?
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Warren |
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 11:04pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for the read, Anthony and LC.
Correct about the O.S., they are in the scene but 'off screen' then revealed to be bears.
Glad it is having the effect I was going for.
Will tidy up what needs tidying up.
Cheers. |
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AlsoBen |
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 4:45am |
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Been Around
LocationAustralia Posts728 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hi!
This was funny. Few things:
"COUNCILLOR’S OFFICE" - it's spelt "counsellor"
Some of Bobby's lines don't sound like a six year old's "my life changed forever," etc
This was a little short. I don't have too much to say because it was effective, and I don't know how much you could add. A punchline of some sort from the bear psychiatrist might round it up. I don't know.
Good work! |
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Warren |
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 4:50am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for the read, Ben.
Will fix that up, not sure how it slipped through.
I think you'll find that's Teddy's line in a V.O.
Definitely short because of what it takes to do an animation.
Thanks for the good comments, appreciated. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - October 31st, 2016, 9:09pm | | |
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Nolan |
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 3:36pm |
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Posts175 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Very nice.
It was predictable to me when the little boy was introduced, but in no way did it take away from the punchline!
I laughed regardless. Well done.
Nolan |
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Warren |
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 3:50pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks, Nolan.
Glad you liked it. |
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JakeJon |
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 12:17pm |
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LocationNewJersey Posts187 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
W, So I'm thinking, at first, TED 3 is going to be a short, cartoon. My bad! I left out creative and very, very funny. Held it together until, "He touched me Doc, the sick f--- touched me" Yeah, I laughed out loud! A thought: Maybe you reveal, at first, that only Teddy is a TB. Leave the psychiatrist's "bearness" until the last scene. Not sure if doing that adds or subtracts from the over all fun?
Good onya (How about that?)
JJ |
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Gary Manson |
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 12:45pm |
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LocationCarlisle, UK Posts44 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Hi Warren, absolutely brilliant. So this is how it's done, it got me wanting more. |
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Warren |
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 3:16pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for the read, Jake and Gary.
Glad this worked for you and gave you a bit of a laugh. |
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Fausto |
Posted: November 3rd, 2016, 2:58pm |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Funny, funny, funny and smart writing. I love the short descriptions...great job! Fausto |
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Warren |
Posted: November 3rd, 2016, 3:29pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks, fausto.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
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Kirsten |
Posted: November 4th, 2016, 8:35am |
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January Project Group Giving up is not an option....
LocationKiwi in Ohio Posts373 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Hi Warren, very cool, funny I liked it. 😊 |
| "Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
'What we do in the Shadows.' |
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Warren |
Posted: November 4th, 2016, 2:31pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for reading, Kristen. |
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BSaunders |
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 6:01am |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Hahaha. I like it. I like it a lot.
But yeah, what MakeItZero said would defo make for a better pay off at the end. |
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Warren |
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 3:21pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Cheers for the read, Brandon.
It's getting some interest in it's current form so probably won't be changing anything until that falls through. |
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BSaunders |
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 6:34pm |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Cheers for the read, Brandon.
It's getting some interest in it's current form so probably won't be changing anything until that falls through. |
It would be a fun one to make, so I'm sure it'll get picked up. |
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Warren |
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 4:02pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Trauma Teddy has been optioned to be turned into a live action piece. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 4:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6875 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Trauma Teddy has been optioned to be turned into a live action piece. |
Very cool - can't wait to see it |
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Warren |
Posted: August 19th, 2018, 11:48pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Filmmaker decided not to use this so it is once again available. Shortest option ever. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 3:52pm |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Sorry the option didn't work out
I liked it, short and punchy! Didn't twig what was going on until she picked up teddy
Very original and a welcome break from some other 'comedy' shorts I've read tonight |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 4:14pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for checking this out, Matt.
I really love this script. It’s probably my personal favourite out of all the shorts I’ve written.
Let me know if you need something read. |
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Philostrate |
Posted: October 26th, 2018, 11:01am |
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Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Clever and funny, in a very dark way. I liked it.
This one was a difficult one to pull off, because of the topic, but you did a great job.
What a shame the option didn't work. |
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Warren |
Posted: October 26th, 2018, 3:35pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Thanks for the read, David.
I actually hung on to this story for quite a while because I was worried how it would be received. I'm glad readers have enjoyed it.
Is there anything you want read? |
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