I'm Not Chicken by Michael Godby (D.A. Banaszak) writing as That Guy Who Uses Febreze for Cologne - Short, Comedy - A Young man with a dangerous obsession becomes involved with an older woman with an unfortunately compatible fetish. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Dusty and Boopsie are like two peas in a pod. Well written of course, and while I liked the humor and did enjoy this for the most part according to this...

Quoted Text One day at work, you discover something that wasn’t meant for yours, or anyones, eyes. A carefully laid out plan of extremely wicked and gruesome proportions. Dates and times. It’s crazy. It’s extraordinarily evil. And it was left behind by the person you’ve been dating. So… Armed with this knowledge, you feel compelled to stop it. You must. But how? And what about that strange little addiction you have, hmm?

You haven't met all the parameters. Someone correct me if I'm wrong unless we're relaxing the parameters.

All the best.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Writer, Dusty and Boopsie are like two peas in a pod. Well written of course, and while I liked the humor and did enjoy this for the most part according to this... You haven't met all the parameters. Someone correct me if I'm wrong unless we're relaxing the parameters. All the best. Ghost

While I’d normally say if the story is great, it’s great, however, that wouldn’t really be fair to the other writers who met all the parameters. That said, bending the rules a little I think is okay. Then again, I’ve never scored a script high that NL atantly disregarded the parameters.

Score it the way you see fit.

Quoted from SAC While I’d normally say if the story is great, it’s great, however, that wouldn’t really be fair to the other writers who met all the parameters. That said, bending the rules a little I think is okay. Then again, I’ve never scored a script high that NL atantly disregarded the parameters. Score it the way you see fit.

Gotcha! We'll do so fairly, as it should be.-A

That one I did see coming.  The cooking roadkill bit was like a storyline from Doc Martin, but she seems to do it sensibly.  Not that I'd eat it, but it's probably safe.  Overall, not bad.  Dialog was a bit 'expected', much like the ending.

This was totally goofy and I loved it. LOL. Boopsie and Dusty are two entertaining and over the top characters. Their banter is light and childish, yet very dark.

Nice job writer! Quick read and I was entertained the whole time.

Best of luck!

Haha! Another one that's nuts. In a good way.
They all look like
they have been hit by motor vehicles
Could maybe have expressed that more graphically? Mind you, it's billed as comedy.

At first I thought she was a Barbie collector and wondered if that was going to be her weird addiction, and you changed midway.

The banter is nice. On first read I thought it was a little hard on the ear-

BOOPSIE
I like to cook. I can deep fry
anything. You?
DUSTY
I am an avid, passionate film buff. I
love movies. I can't get enough.

But then I decided it fits these character's and their style of just regurgitating anything and everything they're thinking. I like the little touches too, the age gap etc. This one really grew on me.

I think you could have had Boopsie laugh at the end - e.g. just kidding. But is she...?

I didn't see a dastardly plan parameter in the mix.
Which will in all likelihood not affect my voting.
It was never going to be easy fitting that all in and they couldn't have had a 'happy ever after' with it. Then again we're left wondering about Boopsie.  

I expect this to be a PG-13 version of something that could be violent. Overall, it was an enjoyable read.

Good luck.

I had to stop laughing in order to get to the end point. Great comedic dialogue. Should make a great short film, especially in line with TWILIGHT ZONE.

Even though comedy isn't really my thing, I liked the characters and the banter here.

But felt it fell a bit short on the parameters and ultimately it sort of petered out a little.

Decent effort

Wow, Dusty must really wanna get with Boopsie; if some chick fed me roadkill and then told me it was roadkill, I’d be outta there faster than you could say “what the f*ck!?”

Creepy carnivorous thing you got going on here, and the story was entertaining enough to read till the end.

This was a weird story with two weird characters. If possible, try to make one of them Dusty or Boopsie likable or sympathetic. Two weird characters appear at the same time are no good to me because we wouldn't like or sympathize with them. Besides, I find Boopsie not only weird but bad.

Hope this helps.

Michael

Dear Febreze Guy, (my favorite "alias" so far!)

I was initially confused with the title of "I'm Not Chicken", unsure of what that title could portend.  Now I know!

I have a couple of deep seated connections to this story:  I am an ER Nurse, married to a former ER physician.  The thought of a doctor starting a relationship with their patient (from the gurney no less), made me shiver with horror.
However, living in the South and my husband also being an avid hunter, I wholly identified with the freezer full of various forms of slaughtered wildlife  .  So much for my asides.

I actually thought this was a very clever story.  Like others, I'm not sure that all the parameters were met, but it is entertaining nonetheless.  I'm also still chuckling about Barbie "faking" it with Ken when what she was actually fantasizing about was GI Joe.  Which brings up another question - what did her Barbie fetish have to do with the story?  Did I miss something?  Or is their yet another Barbie re-make coming out "Cannibal Barbie"?  LOL

Thanks for sharing in the OWC - an enjoyable read set up with more than a few laughs.  

Kathy

This one is a top contender for me. Easy breezy read with great and funny dialogue. "I can deep fry anything!" Just what a great cook would pride themselves on.

Great job writer!

Writer,

Pretty good. An awful lot of build up tho. Personally, I think you could lop off a page or two. Maybe stuff it into Boopsie’s freezer. Anyway, jokes aside, you left out the one parameter which was the note about a sinister plan. I think, and I could be wrong, was that you substituted Boopsie’s freezer for that. Yes? If so, I’m cool with that. Seems like you met everything else, parameter-wise. And a fun story to boot. Good work!

Steve