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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Is That A Tear?
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  Author    Is That A Tear?  (currently 1579 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2023, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Is That A Tear? by Steven A Clark - Short, Dramedy - When a man discovers his wife's been cheating, he doesn't get mad. He gets even. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: April 24th, 2023, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice, Steve.

Some SPOILERS may follow.


You got me! I was along for the deceptive ride, but...

At risk of the twist and reveal being for the audience's sake only and feeling a bit duped (because it really is to lead us down the garden path,) I think Mark needs to make a comment to his wife about her exceptional acting skills which would then tie in  cleverly to the 'tear' at the end. **

AUDREY
Iíll  get  into  it.

Should that be: get on it?

DOUGLAS
Not  laying  around,  no.

Should be 'lying around' but it's dialogue so you can ignore that. Purely so you know.

I loved the very apt role-playing here.
Terms of endearment go out the window and overcompensating with addressing the person by name repeatedly is a very keen human observation.

** You know what? I read it again. Scrap what I suggested above. This is their game and they're both getting off in it. I love the more subtle approach and the 'script' comment and the 'tear' work way better than spelling it out with articulating her acting skills.

I just had a creepy thought though cause she's essentially prostituting herself. Eww. I suppose there are people like this - all about the money.
Btw, love the second amendment threat.

Hope this gets picked up.


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steven8
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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It works. It's good.  But I've got the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I've read or seen this scenario before.  Husband and wife scam where she sleeps with guys then he blackmails them.  I've searched and not found anything, but it just feels so familiar.  I'll keep hunting.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 9:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Ö but some dreams do

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Quoted from LC
Very nice, Steve.

Some SPOILERS may follow.


You got me! I was along for the deceptive ride, but...

At risk of the twist and reveal being for the audience's sake only and feeling a bit duped (because it really is to lead us down the garden path,) I think Mark needs to make a comment to his wife about her exceptional acting skills which would then tie in  cleverly to the 'tear' at the end. **

AUDREY
Iíll  get  into  it.

Should that be: get on it?

DOUGLAS
Not  laying  around,  no.

Should be 'lying around' but it's dialogue so you can ignore that. Purely so you know.

I loved the very apt role-playing here.
Terms of endearment go out the window and overcompensating with addressing the person by name repeatedly is a very keen human observation.

** You know what? I read it again. Scrap what I suggested above. This is their game and they're both getting off in it. I love the more subtle approach and the 'script' comment and the 'tear' work way better than spelling it out with articulating her acting skills.

I just had a creepy thought though cause she's essentially prostituting herself. Eww. I suppose there are people like this - all about the money.
Btw, love the second amendment threat.

Hope this gets picked up.


Thanks for getting on this so quick, Libby! Iím glad it worked for you. Without much backstory here, I think itís jumping the gun to say sheís just prostituting herself for no good reason. There may be a very good reason. If this were ever turned into a feature thAts something that could be explored. But as a short I understand why you feel that way. Kinda like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. They needed the money, a fresh start.

Iím a fan of the Second Amendment line too. That was a last minute addition, basically alluding to the possibility heíd shoot him if he tried anything funny.

Anyway, appreciate the read, as always.

Steve



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SAC
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 11:03am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from steven8
It works. It's good.  But I've got the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I've read or seen this scenario before.  Husband and wife scam where she sleeps with guys then he blackmails them.  I've searched and not found anything, but it just feels so familiar.  I'll keep hunting.


Thanks for reading, Steve. Iím sure Iím not the first to come up with this idea, but I donít recall reading anything on SS. Thatís not to say it isnít here, though. Thanks again.


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kcranford
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I read this and even though personally the subject matter had a little ďcringe factorĒ I was hooked and had to see how it ended. Your writing is excellent as always and the story has a great ďdidnít see it comingĒ twist to the end. What I also wanted to comment on aside from this short was another of yours that was the featured short script of the day from this past weekend. Iíve been trying to give a read to some of those also.  I think the script was from 2020 and I apologize that I donít remember the title but it was about a young man who learns he has cancer and his attempts to make lasting memories with his young son. The story was so poignant and well written, I read it through twice. Now about that one, if you ask me ďIs That A TearĒ?  My response would be a definite yes. Great job. Always enjoy your writing.

Kathy


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LC
Posted: April 25th, 2023, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
... Without much backstory here, I think itís jumping the gun to say sheís just prostituting herself for no good reason. There may be a very good reason. If this were ever turned into a feature thats something that could be explored. But as a short I understand why you feel that way.     ...


Yep to the latter.
This particular script can only be judged as a standalone Short. No motivation is presented for either character other than greed, and a delight in them both enjoying playing the game, so I don't think my observations were a stretch.

And at the same time, like I said, I enjoyed it as is because you effectively pulled the rug out from under the reader. Ruthless characters can be fun to watch which is why Succession is so popular.

I think I can assume then (based on your comments) that this is primer for a bigger story?


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steven8
Posted: April 26th, 2023, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


Thanks for reading, Steve. Iím sure Iím not the first to come up with this idea, but I donít recall reading anything on SS. Thatís not to say it isnít here, though. Thanks again.


Not here on SS.  I'm fairly certain it was on a British show.  My wife and I mostly watch UK television. Anyway, that is why I wasn't actually surprised it was a team effort.  In the back of my head, I saw it coming.  Weird.  I still can't find it.  searching the internet for this 'subject', comes up with some pretty ugly stuff.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 26th, 2023, 6:27am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from kcranford
Steve, I read this and even though personally the subject matter had a little ďcringe factorĒ I was hooked and had to see how it ended. Your writing is excellent as always and the story has a great ďdidnít see it comingĒ twist to the end. What I also wanted to comment on aside from this short was another of yours that was the featured short script of the day from this past weekend. Iíve been trying to give a read to some of those also.  I think the script was from 2020 and I apologize that I donít remember the title but it was about a young man who learns he has cancer and his attempts to make lasting memories with his young son. The story was so poignant and well written, I read it through twice. Now about that one, if you ask me ďIs That A TearĒ?  My response would be a definite yes. Great job. Always enjoy your writing.

Kathy


Hi Kathy,

Thanks for checking this out. Doesnít seem to be exactly your taste but thanks for sticking with it. Very now and then I like to explore the darker side.

In regards to that other short, I know exactly which one youíre talking about. Funny, someone bumped it not too long ago and I saw it on the boards and clicked on it not even realizing it was mine. I was like this looks familiar, then read a little and realize it was indeed mine. Iím glad that touched you. Itís always sort of my goal to do that.

Thanks again!

Steve


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steven8
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


Not here on SS.  I'm fairly certain it was on a British show.  My wife and I mostly watch UK television. Anyway, that is why I wasn't actually surprised it was a team effort.  In the back of my head, I saw it coming.  Weird.  I still can't find it.  searching the internet for this 'subject', comes up with some pretty ugly stuff.


I trust my wife's memory implicitly.  She says we've never watched a show with this theme.  It must be so.  Anyway, I want to make sure you realize I was in no way trying to accuse you of anything illicit.  It is a really cool story, and like the others, I'd love to see it filmed.  there is a very good chance that it was so vividly written, that's why it seemed so real to me.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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SAC
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


Yep to the latter.
This particular script can only be judged as a standalone Short. No motivation is presented for either character other than greed, and a delight in them both enjoying playing the game, so I don't think my observations were a stretch.

And at the same time, like I said, I enjoyed it as is because you effectively pulled the rug out from under the reader. Ruthless characters can be fun to watch which is why Succession is so popular.

I think I can assume then (based on your comments) that this is primer for a bigger story?


Youíre right. I guess the reason Iím saying that there can be a different motivations is because Iím the one thinking of this in my head.

And no, this isnít something bigger. Or is it? Iíve always been attracted to the idea of a grift gone wrong so there may be something more to this down the road.


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SAC
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


I trust my wife's memory implicitly.  She says we've never watched a show with this theme.  It must be so.  Anyway, I want to make sure you realize I was in no way trying to accuse you of anything illicit.  It is a really cool story, and like the others, I'd love to see it filmed.  there is a very good chance that it was so vividly written, that's why it seemed so real to me.


Youíre right. If the wife says it, it is so. I donít know about the vividly written thing, but I appreciate the compliment, Steve.


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irish eyes
Posted: April 27th, 2023, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Mark Eh??

I tell you one story about me and the missus

It was clever, bud; I guess whatever pays the bills if Mark is happy with it Although not morally right.
But then again maybe they're in open marriage

I had written something similar years ago, more of a short scene based on the indecent proposal scene at the pool table.
Of course, Robert Redford asked to pay a Million bucks to sleep with Demi Moore.
My characters accepted in a heartbeat because they were brother and sister, not husband and wife

Well written as usual.




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SAC
Posted: April 28th, 2023, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Mark Eh??

I tell you one story about me and the missus

It was clever, bud; I guess whatever pays the bills if Mark is happy with it Although not morally right.
But then again maybe they're in open marriage

I had written something similar years ago, more of a short scene based on the indecent proposal scene at the pool table.
Of course, Robert Redford asked to pay a Million bucks to sleep with Demi Moore.
My characters accepted in a heartbeat because they were brother and sister, not husband and wife

Well written as usual.




Thanks for reading, bro. Thereís that Indecent Proposal reference again. What a great movie. Gotta watch that again. Thanks!


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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2023, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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I love scam stories! And this one doesn't disappoint!

Just some quick typos that jumped out at me:

Pg. 3:

- "Twenty-five thousand and *this all goes away."
- "I'm sure you could rustle up *an extra ten."

Pg. 4:

- "She about to."  (I'm not sure if that's supposed to be "*She's about to" or not because now that I think back about it, "She about to" sounds pretty ghetto thug gangster tough, and I kinda like it.)

I also love how that line builds up surprise and I can't wait to see where it goes from here!

All in all, a clever little con story! Like I said I'm a huge fan of them.  This one is very reminiscent of the popular 'Glim Dropper' grift, although you take it to a much more cuckold version of the scam. (You know I'm always here for darker versions of things!)

In fact, I'm wondering if that's where 'steven8' might remember this from. (Sorry steven8, it's been years and I totally forget how to mention quoted text!) There's been quite a few movies that are based off 'The Glim Dropper' scam. 'Criminal' with Diego Luna and John C. Reilly (adapted from Nine Queens) is one example that comes to mind.

Not saying that 'Is That a Tear?' is a rip-off of any sort. It's very stand alone. It's just reminiscent of the con.

Great job on the writing and dialogue, as well! I did like the ominous 'second amendment' threat to really amp up the tension, but my favorite line is 'By fucking rote.' Definitely an underused phrase that you punched up with the 'f' word!

All in all, and interesting tale that's short, sweet, and packs a punch that could probably be explored some more should you ever choose to!

- Mark


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