Making America Great Again (was Crisis in the Red Room) by Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as Secret Service Man - Short, Horror - As a bizarre monster lays siege to the Oval Office, a Secret Service Agent and a tourist take temporary refuge in one of the rooms. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Pretty unfocused, gory killing stuff, and a muck monster grown from Trump's hair. Dialogue a little otn in spots. Overall, not terrible, but it's a silly piece, and I'm pretty certain not the best of the bunch. But good effort for the time allowed!

Steve

A tongue-in-cheek monster film, like something from the 60s. The writing is off in places and the story is average.


Writing: 3
Story: 2.5

Total: 2.75

The wig bit seemed out of place as was the dialogue surrounding it. I'm all for the blood and carnage though. Good visuals of dead tourists in the hallways.

Some typos and clunky writing here and there, but decent effort.

The wig scene was funny but you did not build up to it. Instead you told of whoever, brought in different characters for the reasons unknown to me...

In a way as a mindless slasher it's good as it's exactly what it is and seemingly what you want it to be. I may even guess who the writer is and I bed I'd make a correct guess. I know you love writing slashers that's what you do time and time over.
I'm not a slasher person, so I might go with my tastes when it comes to choosing between the entries.  

Typo in the first couple lines!

Bit of a cliche using the whole "stay calm" back and forth, but whatever.

Not sure that blood spatter analogy works.

I find the bit about the wig absurdly hilarious, especially considering the fact no one even bats an eye. It's like "oh, of course that's where it came from."

Writing - 3/5
Story - 4/5

Total - 3.5

It's okay.

Other than a few typos the writing is solid.

Don't like the ton shift. We're seeing some pretty serious stuff, it's getting real intense and THEN - into the wig jokes. Was disruptive for me.  Created an inconsistent tone.

That being said - there is solid craftsmanship here.

Needs work. Lots of talking which comes off as padding since it doesn't develop the story. just two people we know or care little about hiding in the White House fighting off a muck monster of all things. Nothing much else to it than that.

Maybe a last minute entry but a little creativity would help this immensely. A much monster sounds about as bland as can be. There are no twists. No witty one liners.

I'll take Fake News anyday.

Hmm. Another Trump reference that wasn’t really needed. Writing was ok. Prolly a tough topic I guess.
Not a fan of either one but this will get my vote I suppose.

Other than a handful of obvious typos (see pg.2/2nd paragraph), the writing here is generally crisp, clear, and to-the-point. I like that.

Story: like its competitor, it's yet another Trump skit, though this one plays more like a tongue-in-cheek monster flick as opposed to a spoof, which I can appreciate. The wig thing made me laugh.

This was a bit all-over-the-place, but a pretty good effort given the parameters. There's humor, as there would be with a premise like this, but it does not overpower the assigned genre too much.

I assume the wig belongs to Donald?  And is Drake the rapper?

I would use parenthesis more often, for example when Jill was trying to say be quiet, I can imagine she was whispering, but that's a guess.

I see the horror, I didn't really see the humour, I imagine it's slapstick.

Not bad overall.

I thought it was better than the other story.

However, it was still pretty bland.  No real beginning, middle or end, more like an opening scene trailer to get people interested in the movie.

SPOILERS

So, we are to assume that the red hot poker (from a fireplace that wasn't on, but, that's okay) was fatal to the muck monster?  

I'd like to know more about the monster.  Instead of a mindless killing brute, why?  Is it that hungry, pregnant perhaps??

Dan

The hallway sounds more like a Jackson Pollock painting to me.

SPOILERS

Using the hairpiece is fine as a gag, but there was no foreshadowing or lead-up, other than Unnecessary Guy having foreknowledge of it for no reason.

I agree it would have been nice to give the muck monster some vestigial motivation. Maybe it started out pale (though blood-splattered) and got more orange each time it ate. Then the reveal at the end makes a bit more sense.

A few typos here and there, but the writing is pretty solid otherwise... I just didn't really buy the premise, felt like the joke came first... and of course some might opine that there's already a monster under that wig

just weighing in before I vote. Pretty standard gory stuff. Tough category though, really hard to make anything but camp out of these parameters. For me it's missing a point. It can be over the top and weird and comical, however I still want a reason that this monster exists.