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To The Flame - WT (currently 3061 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:30am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16474 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
To The Flame by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - A young starship captain must save his ship from an alien attack. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:36pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6875 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
Very nice - when I read the fist passage I thought - oh no - going to be a bad one - and then - bravo - turned into one of my favs.
Nice job |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:09pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Nice work, writer. Wasn't sure where this was going with an eight year old Captain. Thought it was a typo. Loved the last line. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:12pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4327 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Saw where this was going but liked it. |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:17pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
To The Flame
Good twist. Not bad. 3 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:46pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Solid twist. Works for me. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 5 - 20 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:53pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1309 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
A very sure hand at work here. Like the twist — and the little details that you pick up on the second time it’s read. Great job here.
Best, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 6 - 20 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:16pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4202 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Very nice, liked everything about it very much. |
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Reply: 7 - 20 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:04pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
A cute little tale, nothing else to add. |
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Reply: 8 - 20 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:58am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
This was enjoyable. Good writing on display and a well rounded story.
I wondered at the age of the Captain, but didn't see the twist coming. |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:30am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Cute story. I liked this one a lot too. Reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes. |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
I'm wondering how this would work on film. Would the opening scene be filmed as written, with an 8-year-old captain calling the shots? Also, I think I'd go with first names only so we don't wonder why mother and son have different last names (though I like the Jack Be Nimble reference). Anyhow, I like this. Reminds me of camping with my son long ago. Except he would've had a Millennium Falcon. |
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Reply: 11 - 20 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:26pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I like this one. It's uses a good amount of imagination, shows us the child's imagination relative to his situation. Think you nailed this one. |
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RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:58pm |
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Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Solid script. Nice dialogue. The action was done well.
A+ |
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CameronD |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:45pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
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FrankM |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 1:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Mirab, his sails unfurled. |
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ajr |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:04pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I kind of knew where this was going after you gave the age of the captain. It's a cute story, child's imagination and all. Not sure if it's the equal of some of the others I've read but it's certainly very solidly written. |
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LC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:57am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7658 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Nicely written story. Am I the only one wondering what is actually on film for the first part of this? A close-up of the model starship? What of the crew? Is Jack doing all the voices?
Sorry to be dim, or blonde, or whatever...
It's a lovely inventive tale and once the campground comes into the forefront I get the trick, but I'm still left wondering how to Produce this based on your written blueprint. |
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FrankM |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 11:09am |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Nicely written story. Am I the only one wondering what is actually on film for the first part of this? A close-up of the model starship? What of the crew? Is Jack doing all the voices?
Sorry to be dim, or blonde, or whatever...
It's a lovely inventive tale and once the campground comes into the forefront I get the trick, but I'm still left wondering how to Produce this based on your written blueprint. |
I pictured it as an actual starship bridge set at first (and thought the captain's age was a typo), not entirely unlike the Spaceman Spiff skits in Calvin and Hobbes. It wouldn't have to be a replica of "real" Star Trek set, but something like what a kid would envision. |
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DanC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 11:36am |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
It was ok. I wasn't as sold as some others were.
Dan
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SAC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:38pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Very cute. Thought there was something odd about an eight year old starship captain. Good work!
Steve |
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