A Southern Night by 0 - Short, Drama - Three civil rights activists meet the very incarnation of what they're fighting against on a hot Mississippi night. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lucky last.

Four total characters - 4, spot on.

Page length divisible by four: 4, 8, 12, etc - Lucky number 8 again.

They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile) - Yes, done.

Can only be of the Horror, Thriller, Drama or Mystery genres - Definitely a drama.

Story Notes:   SPOILERS, MAYBE!!

That was beautifully written. You surely do know your craft. It was an absolute pleasure to read.

The dialogue is masterful to say the least.

Story wise though, I wanted to love this just on the writing and dialogue alone but unfortunately it does also come down to the tale you're trying to tell.

It's nothing new, or original. There are so very many of these clan, black vs. white, human rights, Mississippi stories around. I think the only thing this one brings to the table is the fact that it meets the parameters of a challenge in the sense that it's all set in a car.

The ending wasn't much of a revelation, we all know these folks are gutless, they hide behind masks, so him not shooting himself comes as no surprise.

But then... it's so good!!! Oh I'm torn!

Well done on a fantastic piece of screenwriting regardless.

Code A red glow from the flashing light atop the car pulsates in the interior.

throughout(?) the interior. You need to think of something better than 'in'. You're a good writer, I'm surprised you let that slide.

Nothing else jumped out at me that affected the read. A well-told story and a good one. The sheriff not having the balls to go through with it is a nice finish.

Writing 4.8 (-0.2 for the 'in the interior' and it being on the 1st page)
Story 4

Total: 4.4

First one I've read. Going to be hard to beat. Don't really have a criticism of it.

Can't say I enjoyed the read, because we're not supposed to; we're supposed to be depressed, and sad, and outraged that there are so many of these events in our history.

Nice job on capturing the story within the story. The bully with no courage.

Nice story.

I wish what James did or didn't do was explained though.
The beginning was a bit slow in a sense that you don't let us in for a couple of pages. You don't let us know what's going on straight away and I don't see the reason for that.
I got the story straight only on top of p4 when Cecil says about them stepping in for James.
So I don't know what Cecil got on James and why Andrew and Michael are with Cecil and James in the car. Obviously, they tried to help James but you're not giving the reason.
The sheriff's story is nice. And the last scene made me like the story very much. But untill two last pages I really liked the dialog but wasn't sure about the story.

Quoted from khamanna I wish what James did or didn't do was explained though

Not saying this in a flippant way, but James was guilty of being Black in Mississippi in 1964.

Anthony, I know James wasn't guilty of anything but presumably in Cecil's twisted mind he was guilty of something. That's why I put there "did or did not do".

I want to know this in order to see why the other two stepped in for him. Or how - doesn't matter, just want a little something about the case.
I understand it's writers choice, but that's what I'm missing in here and I thought I'd let the writer know.

Kham, google “Mississippi Burning” and it’ll give you some background on the story. Based on a couple of civil rights workers that went to Mississippi to register black voters to vote and were killed.

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston Kham, google “Mississippi Burning” and it’ll give you some background on the story. Based on a couple of civil rights workers that went to Mississippi to register black voters to vote and were killed. Gary

Oh, ok. There's a story everyone knows and I don't because I'm international. Thanks, I'll google that. Cecil being a member of KKK was obvious - everyone knows about K's, but I don't have a clue about Mississippi Burning.
A question arises then - is it right to assume everyone knows what happened there. Probably yes, I don't know but see I feel left out. I wonder if I'm the only one.

So one of my professors in college, who grew up in South Carolina in the 50s / 60s, remembers that one of his uncles went to the store, and never came back.

So I guess the point I was trying to make was that you could get killed simply for being Black and for doing routine things - going to the store, trying to vote, drinking from a whites-only water fountain...

You should also google Emmett Till. It's been a while since I read his story so from memory, he was a young boy who whites say whistled at a white woman as she passed - as if that's a capital offense - and who his family says merely said something like 'hello ma'am.'  He was hung from a tree. Difference between this and other lynchings was that his mother wanted everyone to see the brutality so she allowed photos and buried him in an open coffin.

So that was some powerful content. Even though I remembered hearing about the incident some time ago, I still found it quite gripping. Excellent work for the time constraints and restrictions. All points were met.

As for issues: I found the initial character introductions a bit confusing. I didn't know if Andrew was black or white or the referenced Jew.

Otherwise, pretty great writing on display.

Just read the previous comments and Kham has a valid point about context. I was able to recall the event after page two so I knew why Andrew and Michael were in Mississippi. Others, like Kham, wouldn't have that information and could find the 'why' a bit confusing. I think it could be solved with just a line or two of narrative.

I’ve read the script. Will provide my comments after voting has closed.

I concur that there's a bit on context missing here. You don't need to know about this particular event if you know about the general history of the US South during the Civil Rights Movement, but not everyone does.

I think overall it was well-told and stuck close enough to the parameters (the deputy technically took some actions outside the car), and my only complaint is the OTN dialogue about the shovels and chains.

A solid piece of work.

Am I the only one confused by the paper at the end??

It was n unpleasant story to read.  I found the dialog repetitive.  

Probably the best of the bunch, but the subject was lousy.  Also, the

Spoilers

The cop wasn't trapped in the car.  

Could be a 3 or 4.

Dan