A Southern Night by 0 - Short, Drama - Three civil rights activists meet the very incarnation of what they're fighting against on a hot Mississippi night. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Lucky last.

Four total characters - 4, spot on.

Page length divisible by four: 4, 8, 12, etc - Lucky number 8 again.

They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile) - Yes, done.

Can only be of the Horror, Thriller, Drama or Mystery genres - Definitely a drama.

Story Notes:   SPOILERS, MAYBE!!

That was beautifully written. You surely do know your craft. It was an absolute pleasure to read.

The dialogue is masterful to say the least.

Story wise though, I wanted to love this just on the writing and dialogue alone but unfortunately it does also come down to the tale you're trying to tell.

It's nothing new, or original. There are so very many of these clan, black vs. white, human rights, Mississippi stories around. I think the only thing this one brings to the table is the fact that it meets the parameters of a challenge in the sense that it's all set in a car.

The ending wasn't much of a revelation, we all know these folks are gutless, they hide behind masks, so him not shooting himself comes as no surprise.

But then... it's so good!!! Oh I'm torn!

Well done on a fantastic piece of screenwriting regardless.

Code A red glow from the flashing light atop the car pulsates in the interior.

throughout(?) the interior. You need to think of something better than 'in'. You're a good writer, I'm surprised you let that slide.

Nothing else jumped out at me that affected the read. A well-told story and a good one. The sheriff not having the balls to go through with it is a nice finish.

Writing 4.8 (-0.2 for the 'in the interior' and it being on the 1st page)
Story 4

Total: 4.4

First one I've read. Going to be hard to beat. Don't really have a criticism of it.

Can't say I enjoyed the read, because we're not supposed to; we're supposed to be depressed, and sad, and outraged that there are so many of these events in our history.

Nice job on capturing the story within the story. The bully with no courage.

Nice story.

I wish what James did or didn't do was explained though.
The beginning was a bit slow in a sense that you don't let us in for a couple of pages. You don't let us know what's going on straight away and I don't see the reason for that.
I got the story straight only on top of p4 when Cecil says about them stepping in for James.
So I don't know what Cecil got on James and why Andrew and Michael are with Cecil and James in the car. Obviously, they tried to help James but you're not giving the reason.
The sheriff's story is nice. And the last scene made me like the story very much. But untill two last pages I really liked the dialog but wasn't sure about the story.

Quoted from khamanna I wish what James did or didn't do was explained though

Not saying this in a flippant way, but James was guilty of being Black in Mississippi in 1964.

Anthony, I know James wasn't guilty of anything but presumably in Cecil's twisted mind he was guilty of something. That's why I put there "did or did not do".

I want to know this in order to see why the other two stepped in for him. Or how - doesn't matter, just want a little something about the case.
I understand it's writers choice, but that's what I'm missing in here and I thought I'd let the writer know.

Kham, google “Mississippi Burning” and it’ll give you some background on the story. Based on a couple of civil rights workers that went to Mississippi to register black voters to vote and were killed.

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston Kham, google “Mississippi Burning” and it’ll give you some background on the story. Based on a couple of civil rights workers that went to Mississippi to register black voters to vote and were killed. Gary

Oh, ok. There's a story everyone knows and I don't because I'm international. Thanks, I'll google that. Cecil being a member of KKK was obvious - everyone knows about K's, but I don't have a clue about Mississippi Burning.
A question arises then - is it right to assume everyone knows what happened there. Probably yes, I don't know but see I feel left out. I wonder if I'm the only one.

So one of my professors in college, who grew up in South Carolina in the 50s / 60s, remembers that one of his uncles went to the store, and never came back.

So I guess the point I was trying to make was that you could get killed simply for being Black and for doing routine things - going to the store, trying to vote, drinking from a whites-only water fountain...

You should also google Emmett Till. It's been a while since I read his story so from memory, he was a young boy who whites say whistled at a white woman as she passed - as if that's a capital offense - and who his family says merely said something like 'hello ma'am.'  He was hung from a tree. Difference between this and other lynchings was that his mother wanted everyone to see the brutality so she allowed photos and buried him in an open coffin.

So that was some powerful content. Even though I remembered hearing about the incident some time ago, I still found it quite gripping. Excellent work for the time constraints and restrictions. All points were met.

As for issues: I found the initial character introductions a bit confusing. I didn't know if Andrew was black or white or the referenced Jew.

Otherwise, pretty great writing on display.

Just read the previous comments and Kham has a valid point about context. I was able to recall the event after page two so I knew why Andrew and Michael were in Mississippi. Others, like Kham, wouldn't have that information and could find the 'why' a bit confusing. I think it could be solved with just a line or two of narrative.

I’ve read the script. Will provide my comments after voting has closed.

I concur that there's a bit on context missing here. You don't need to know about this particular event if you know about the general history of the US South during the Civil Rights Movement, but not everyone does.

I think overall it was well-told and stuck close enough to the parameters (the deputy technically took some actions outside the car), and my only complaint is the OTN dialogue about the shovels and chains.

A solid piece of work.

Am I the only one confused by the paper at the end??

It was n unpleasant story to read.  I found the dialog repetitive.  

Probably the best of the bunch, but the subject was lousy.  Also, the

Spoilers

The cop wasn't trapped in the car.  

Could be a 3 or 4.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Spoilers The cop wasn't trapped in the car.

I had read it as all the action being confined to the car (as opposed to the characters being literally trapped), but on a second read I think I agree with your take on the parameters.

Pretty minor, since once they were underway it wasn't like the deputy could leave them alone.

It doesn't say anything about needing to be trapped in the parameters.

Quoted from sean They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile).

So that's to be read as the characters must stay in the vehicle for the duration of the story. That's simply it. It's even clarified in brackets, for eff's sake.

.

If I may speak for Sean, he might have misspoke outside of the parentheticals. I think he meant the action must be confined to the automobile which is what "no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile" means. Not confined as in trapped. That's how I chose to interpret it.

Powerful subject matter and very well told script.

One nit-pick,  I think the term 'end you' is a modern one, could be wrong of course.

Great ending. I really liked what you did with Cecil and how he ended up. All that bravado yet he is just a coward on every level. The first few pages were great too. I do think the dialogue could use some tightening up. I suspect, but may be wrong, that you got caught between 4 and 8 pages. As in, too much material for 4 but not quite enough for 8, so you had to stretch it.

I'd look at where Cecil is describing in detail exactly what he's going to do to them. Between that and them interrupting with some variation of "Let me go" numerous times, it gets a bit repetitive.

Also, pg. 6-7, Cecil launches into this thing about wanting to be at home and how his hatred serves a purpose for a White Mississippi... I didn't really get anything new out of that, felt to me like the conversation had run its course by that point.

Anyways, that's nitpick stuff. Very solid writing overall.

'That other clinging sound is the
chains...'

That'd be 'clanging' I reckon. Probably a typo.

'starts to whimper.'
'Whimpers' would suffice on a new line.

I'm being picky obviously but isn't the correct term: Deputy Sheriff? Sheriff Deputy reads a little awkwardly to me as does: INT. 1964 SHERIFF PATROL CAR - (PARKED) - NIGHT as the opening slug. Does 1964 refer to the model of car? At first I thought you meant the inclusion of the year as a Super, but that appeared a little further down.

This is so well written and the true events authentically reproduced that I think the final transition before we cut to Cecil in his car alone with his revolver and the newspaper headline could be improved upon.

It's a strong piece as is but if I imagine watching this I think it cries out for a FADE to white. That would add another layer of gravity and atmosphere, and create a moment of reflection/a solemn breather before the final transition and denouement.

Great job.

In smaller counties with only two ranks, the elected chief law enforcement officer is the Sheriff and his/her sworn officers are each known as a "Sheriff's Deputy" or "Deputy Sheriff." The newspaper headline toward the end uses the correct term, so I'd look at the earlier mention as more of a typo than anything else.

Good story.  I like it, well told.  I'd vote for this one too.

I'm wondering why the writer chose this particular incident for his script. It's already been the subject of a Best Picture movie, several documentaries, books, folk songs, etc.

The only reason I can see for doing so would be to offer something new. I assume the something new is an account of the conversation among the four people (with their real names used) inside the patrol car on the way to the murder site.

Unfortunately, the deputy's dialogue is about the same as every other nasty racist character ever portrayed in movies (most recently, "Mudbound"). The victims' dialogue is cliched as well -- "they'll be looking for us...please let us go...I won't tell...you'll never get away with this."

The overall writing itself is serviceable, workmanlike, although the pacing seems a bit off, which results in a too-abrupt ending.

My two cents were stolen, so these belong to someone else (and since I’m told I can’t think for myself in any event, it doesn’t matter whose money I’m using):

1. Great writing on display here in terms of technique, pacing, etc. Very easy to read.
2. That’s not to confuse with an equal level on story.  Make no mistake, the story is crafted just fine, but it’s a story that’s been told several times over.  Not sure what is new here other than the perspective that you bring to the table, and maybe that’s enough. It was solid nonetheless.
3. Interesting that you focused on the deputy cowardice at the end.  Made for an interesting contrast with his bombastic nature at the beginning.
4. Being from the Deep South myself and having lived there during these turbulent times, I felt an emotional connection with what was happening in the story, so good on you there.

Great effort here.  
Best of luck,
Gary

What story hasn't been told several times over?

There are only so many... they just get repeated over and over again.

I could say the same thing about every story on this site.

Writer,

Great visuals, solid tension throughout. Someone must have watched Mississippi Burning recently, or actually lived through this dark blotch on our past. Or both. I could easily see this scene fitting very well into that film.

I’ve read three so far. This is clearly the best.

Steve

Let’s see if I can find something to critique, so that the short can be even better than it is.

Gonna read it again, and see what I can find. I’ll be right back.

Okay. Done.

I’m not sure why you have the story beat of the Sheriff stopping the car, waiting, checking his watch. Nothing really comes of this, and it’s never explained. I’m assuming he’s waiting for night, or help, but it’s just an assumption.

“The other clanging sound is the chains.” Redundant. You already told us it was chains.

Okay, so Cecil explains very plainly that they’re about to dig their own graves. At this point, I’d believe him. Which means, for me, I’d rather he shoot me right there. Point is, the revolver’s no longer the threat it was.

I like the turn of the courage/lack of courage moment. Though, I did wonder if Cecil would still be out and about after being indicted (long enough after the indictment that a newspaper had time to print the story.) I don’t know these things, so, I could be very wrong.

Last note. If you were going to rewrite at all, consider looking for ways to add more depth to Cecil earlier. He was at his most interesting as he started justifying. Before then, he was pretty much just a caricature of the typical redneck sheriff. (Not that most sheriffs in the south weren’t just that at the time.)

Overall, nicely done. The scores reflected the quality. Obviously the best.