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You Don't Know Jack - OWC (currently 542 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 20th, 2023, 5:01pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
You Don't Know Jack by Candy Corn - A Halloween bedtime story turns out to be more than Dad bargained for. Short, Horror |
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irish eyes |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 1:52pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
It is very clever and well-written.
It's a great take on the Jack O Lantern story. It had the shock factor although I kinda guessed where it was going.
Well done.
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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AlexanderLR |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 5:05pm |
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Posts70 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Well done. Flows nicely. When she pats the spot beside her I thought that was really cute. Well written - 'pull him bodily into it's depths' 'demonic maw' etc. |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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Maroun |
Posted: October 21st, 2023, 11:20pm |
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January Project Group
LocationParis, France Posts17 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Very smart script! It's always a great a idea to start with a classic fairy tale or a children's story and give it a dark twist, like the story of the jack o' lantern here; that's really really spooky! Small suggestion: if I were you, I would have shortened a bit the introduction (the 1 and a half page before Chloe gets to bed, you could make that three quarters of a page), and developed a bit more the final scene (like maybe the Devil has something to say to Jack/Jackson, about their old deal...). But overall, a great horror script! |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 12:06am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Candy Corn -- Nice one. Just in time for Halloween. Let's be honest, this story has always been pretty cool. This brings back memories. There's been so many takes on it, and I luv what you did with this. Fun and yet so chilling. Kudos - Chloe actually sounds like an 8 year-old. Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say). A nitpick springs to mind though. You know, it may also have been the origin of how the statement, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" started. Anywaz, great job, my fav so far. How befitting some Irish folklore. So to that -- best of Irish luck! -A |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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Stoneyscripts |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 1:07pm |
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New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
Apart from the meaty action scenes which you obviously crammed in, I enjoyed this story.
Please don't read me a story Daddy....
Well done. |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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LC |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 6:48pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7645 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, what we will actually see on screen for the bulk of this narrative is a child being read a bedtime story. Of course in a longer script that would probably be played out in action.
Things pick up nicely towards the end - some very spooky images evoked, the gust of wind etc., and the Jack O lantern coming to life.
Horrific denouement nicely done.
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Reply: 6 - 19 |
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D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: October 22nd, 2023, 7:00pm |
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New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts224 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
Nice twist in the end. I really didn't know what to expect. I was caught flat-footed.
I also didn't know the history behind jack-o-lanterns so I learned a bit of history. Thanks. |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 8:49am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
A LITTLE LATER isn't filmable, and don't think it's strictly necessary as it's implied by DUSK from previous scene now being NIGHT
Onto the story, yep liked this, two main characters well drawn given the small page count and liked how it built to the ending.
Very effective story telling. |
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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ColinS |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 11:03am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I liked the writing but what I really appreciated, as D.A has mentioned, is the history of Jack-O'Lantern. Didn't know it and it makes the read educational and well worthwhile.
The story itself, I thought was a little generic - somebody tells a story about something and then that something comes out to get them. Maybe the ending could be a little more unique.
That said, this is well-written, informative and overall is a strong entry. |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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Gum |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 5:10pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Cute little story, ‘cept Daddy’s demonic pumpkin transformation, poor Chloe. Not much else to add that hasn’t been said, but I did like the fact you got into the whole history of jack o’ lanterns.
Strange how all these simple and curious things we do throughout the season’s are always tied back to some twisted pagan folklore yet are never given much thought as to why we actually partake in the ritual. Best of luck. |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: October 23rd, 2023, 5:59pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I can now tell my grandkids the story of Jack of the Lantern! What a twist at the end! I feel awful for Chloe and Jack, but c'mon, what's a lighted Jack O'Lantern doing inside a kid's bedroom? Just asking for trouble! Anyhoo, some good writing on display here - I could see making a feature length movie out of the story of Jack. Good job writer. |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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kcranford |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 11:18am |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
A sweet little bedtime Halloween story...until it wasn't. As others mentioned, I wasn't aware of the history of the use of the Jack O' Lantern - interesting bit of lore courtesy of the Irish! The only other question I have is why you didn't finish the familiar quote you used for your title. Surely you know it. Too polite obviously LOL. |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: October 24th, 2023, 8:53pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts796 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
This was an enjoyable read. The writing was nice and easy to follow. The twist was also good.
Good luck. |
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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Heretic |
Posted: October 25th, 2023, 10:21am |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Fun to read but potentially not so fun to watch -- mostly a guy reading off his phone for a few minutes. Good payoff and a good misdirect leading up to it with the fact that his name is Jack. Would this land better if we knew his name from the start? Not sure, actually, because it's fun in the moment too.
Maybe the light of the pumpkin could project the story in shadows on the wall.
Would be nice if there was something in the story that suggested that trouble might be ahead -- "And they say it's dangerous to tell Jack's story now, because someone might be listening in..." or whatever. The "why now" of why Jackson gets grabbed.
Long opening scene that could be cut down as it doesn't set up much.
Well written, including the kid. |
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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