You Don't Know Jack by Candy Corn - A Halloween bedtime story turns out to be more than Dad bargained for.   Short, Horror

It is very clever and well-written.

It's a great take on the Jack O Lantern story.  It had the shock factor although I kinda guessed where it was going.

Well done.

Well done. Flows nicely. When she pats the spot beside her I thought that was really cute. Well written - 'pull him bodily into it's depths' 'demonic maw' etc.

Very smart script! It's always a great a idea to start with a classic fairy tale or a children's story and give it a dark twist, like the story of the jack o' lantern here; that's really really spooky!
Small suggestion: if I were you, I would have shortened a bit the introduction (the 1 and a half page before Chloe gets to bed, you could make that three quarters of a page), and developed a bit more the final scene (like maybe the Devil has something to say to Jack/Jackson, about their old deal...). But overall, a great horror script!

Ahoy Candy Corn -- Nice one. Just in time for Halloween. Let's be honest, this story has always been pretty cool. This brings back memories. There's been so many takes on it, and I luv what you did with this. Fun and yet so chilling. Kudos - Chloe actually sounds like an 8 year-old. Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say). A nitpick springs to mind though.

You know, it may also have been the origin of how the statement, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" started.

Anywaz, great job, my fav so far. How befitting some Irish folklore. So to that -- best of Irish luck! -A

Apart from the meaty action scenes which you obviously crammed in, I enjoyed this story.

Please don't read me a story Daddy....

Well done.

Hmm, what we will actually see on screen for the bulk of this narrative is a child being read a bedtime story. Of course in a longer script that would probably be played out in action.

Things pick up nicely towards the end - some very spooky images evoked, the gust of wind etc., and the Jack O lantern coming to life.

Horrific denouement nicely done.

Nice twist in the end. I really didn't know what to expect. I was caught flat-footed.

I also didn't know the history behind jack-o-lanterns so I learned a bit of history. Thanks.

A LITTLE LATER isn't filmable, and don't think it's strictly necessary as it's implied by DUSK from previous scene now being NIGHT

Onto the story, yep liked this, two main characters well drawn given the small page count and liked how it built to the ending.

Very effective story telling.

I liked the writing but what I really appreciated, as D.A has mentioned, is the history of Jack-O'Lantern. Didn't know it and it makes the read educational and well worthwhile.

The story itself, I thought was a little generic - somebody tells a story about something and then that something comes out to get them. Maybe the ending could be a little more unique.

That said, this is well-written, informative and overall is a strong entry.

Cute little story, ‘cept Daddy’s demonic pumpkin transformation, poor Chloe. Not much else to add that hasn’t been said, but I did like the fact you got into the whole history of jack o’ lanterns.

Strange how all these simple and curious things we do throughout the season’s are always tied back to some twisted pagan folklore yet are never given much thought as to why we actually partake in the ritual. Best of luck.

I can now tell my grandkids the story of Jack of the Lantern!

What a twist at the end!  I feel awful for Chloe and Jack, but c'mon, what's a lighted Jack O'Lantern doing inside a kid's bedroom?  Just asking for trouble!  

Anyhoo, some good writing on display here - I could see making a feature length movie out of the story of Jack.  Good job writer.

A sweet little bedtime Halloween story...until it wasn't.  As others mentioned, I wasn't aware of the history of the use of the Jack O' Lantern - interesting bit of lore courtesy of the Irish!  The only other question I have is why you didn't finish the familiar quote you used for your title.  Surely you know it.  Too polite obviously LOL.  

This was an enjoyable read. The writing was nice and easy to follow. The twist was also good.

Good luck.

Fun to read but potentially not so fun to watch -- mostly a guy reading off his phone for a few minutes. Good payoff and a good misdirect leading up to it with the fact that his name is Jack. Would this land better if we knew his name from the start? Not sure, actually, because it's fun in the moment too.

Maybe the light of the pumpkin could project the story in shadows on the wall.

Would be nice if there was something in the story that suggested that trouble might be ahead -- "And they say it's dangerous to tell Jack's story now, because someone might be listening in..." or whatever. The "why now" of why Jackson gets grabbed.

Long opening scene that could be cut down as it doesn't set up much.

Well written, including the kid.

"flickers gayly" never seen that combination of verb and adverb lol

This one I actually liked the ending more than the main story. The majority of this is someone just talking into a camera and the audience would prefer to see something happen. However, the ending was actually pretty cool and I liked the visual of the reflection off the girl's eyes.

This one you have to reverse engineer. You have your ending, just work backwards.

I like this script, but I was familiar with the story of Jack 'O Lantern having done some Googling about Halloween. I also agree with others about the static scene of reading the story of Chloe.

So, Candy Corn, for your consideration, what do you think about the following?

What if Jack already knows the origin of Jack O’Lantern, and he tells Chloe the story as together they go to a pumpkin patch, carve the pumpkin, and then that evening with the wife they put a candle in the pumpkin on the front porch as Trcik Or Treators approach...and Dad is devoured in front of the neighborhood?

Beautifully written. Nice little story. It might be a bit dull watching for me.
But I like the history of the Jack O Lantern. Not overly scary but the twist
ending was all right. Enjoyed the read.

I had never heard this before -- but it does seem to be a thing -- and I enjoyed it for that reason as something fully in the spirit of Halloween.

The last few paragraphs of action were a bit confusing, and after reading them a few times, I still don't fully grasp the actual physics of what is happening there.

But that is a small complaint. Jackson's "what the hell?" reaction shot was actually the better payoff for me anyway.

A good, solid entry.  Not the best, but up there on the list.

Writer,

Pretty good little tale. Your ending could have used some work, or some rationale as to why it changed to evil like that, but it was a cute little tale overall. Good effort here, good set-up, but could’ve used some more.

Steve