Fuck Off, Aliens by Matthew Taylor (Matt) writing as Sorry for the language - Short, Comedy - 10 minutes until Earth is destroyed and a bewildered custodian is forced to clean up the mess by convincing the alien destroyers that Humans are worth saving. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

The logline got my attention so I read this script. It seems that this script lacked a person  doing something good for someone to get a superpower.

Comedy is the most difficult genre to write because it isn't easy to make us laugh .  Writing a scene about a woman trying to persuade an alien not to end the world is very hard because it should have two important factors that make the scene work: Urgent and Funny.  As aliens are going to attack us very soon,  the atmosphere should be very urgent but the scenes between an alien and Leina lacked it and the scenes  weren't funny enough. Putting these two important factors together is difficult because you have to balance the two.

Hope you don't mind my straightforward comments. However,  the idea is good. I suggest you add more actions to the scenes  and cut down some dialogues. Lenia is an interesting person but you didn't make the alien interesting enough.

Hope this help.

Michael

Hello.

Nice twist ending, but if he was a human and not an alien, where's the story? The basic premise is a good one, though.

Well, he's obviously a Custodian of the Alien race.

This was funny. Bits I could do without but that's part of cringe comedy too.

Loved that you used Coldplay. Loved Leina.
The Hanson joke was funny but you need that in dialogue somewhere.
I didn't split my sides laughing but I did enjoy it and with the right cast and delivery it would work well. Maybe a couple more jokes...

Stoopid humans.

Love, love the title page too!
My fav of the four I've read so far.

Ahoy writer,

As you should be - I'm offended by the language.

I liked the writing. It is crisp, clean and you don't waste words. It read fast and was a delight to read. So I like your sense of humor, so I know that you are not just capable of being funny, but that you actually are funny. But... and I say this humbly,  felt the comedy felt a little flat.  The story is there. Still enjoyed it. Best of Irish Luck!-A

All is good here. Beautiful ending, snappy dialog, well all. Funny, nice characters...
I think if I saw Star Wars if would be even better. No, it's already better
Great great job as a stand alone script

But who did what good did and what superpowers he got and how he saved the planet? Leina's singing maybe.  But what's the superpower then?
Hmm

Maybe someone will jump in to explain?

Love the title and cover page, you have my attention.

This is well written crisp and sharp and well-paced too.

Very nice job.

But I'm not sure it really meets the criteria fully... does she get a super-power? Maybe being able to speak Alien isd it, but she then doesn't use it stop the attack either, she fails, super-power or not.

High marks for the tale!

Cute and funny script (language noted and forgiven).  I also am a fan of your cover page - good job on that as well! Unfortunately, I have to agree that I didn't identify the superpower granted or the fact that it saved the world. Maybe I missed it?  You had some really great comedic lines here.  Enjoyed the read - sorry if I missed any clue to the super power, but good luck with this and thanks for sharing!

This was a clever story well written but sadly falls short of what the OWC parameters   ask for.


Did she do something good or was just asked to talk to the alien who in turn gave her the capabilities to understand him?

Which in turn also didn't save the planet??

It had some funny lines here and there but didn't work for me as far as an entry goes

Okay, phew, I thought I really missed something because I don't know what she did for a good deed and what superpower was granted.

I did like the wetter/drier joke. Points!

Otherwise, I'm kind of lost on this entry. Correct formatting and snappy dialogue may not be enough. Good luck, writer!

No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but,

1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed.

2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower.

3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do?

Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you.

All that said...

I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

Quoted from PKCardinal No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but, 1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed. 2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower. 3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do? Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you. All that said... I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

Ditto to all that. Couldn't have said it better myself!

PK, you do get to vote if you read and review a fair few.

Quoted from dawnpisturino Hello. Nice twist ending, but if he was a human and not an alien, where's the story? The basic premise is a good one, though.

I believe he IS an alien, just a custodian alien for the aliens. Like Liena is for humans. That's all.

I agree with most comments that this is well written, and I found it funny and engaging. I just was waiting for the criteria to be met: a superpower given and the world is saved. Did not happen.

That said, great story idea and well executed, except for lacking the criteria.
All the best!

Quoted from PKCardinal No dog in the fight here, as I wasn't brave enough to accept the OWC... but, 1. Attempting to return the paper is the good deed. 2. Getting the ability to speak alien is the superpower. 3. The third parameter doesn't say they have to be successful. Just says they use the superpower to try and save the world: “What if?” After you’ve done your good deed and received your chosen superpower, this day, of all days, just happens to be the day the world is going to end. A disaster of cataclysmic magnitude is hours, maybe minutes, away, and you’re literally the only one who can stop it, and you must stop it with your newfound power. So…What are you going to do? Like I said, I don't have a script in the challenge, but I thought if I were the writer of this, I'd be going crazy reading the comments right now. So, whoever the writer is... I'm here to fight the good fight for you. All that said... I enjoyed this one. Favorite so far. (Not that I get a vote.)

So what about, "...and you must stop it with your newfound power."? That sounds like someone must stop the world from ending with a superpower.