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Freshbloom - OWC (currently 635 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 12:50pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Freshbloom by Sundara Karma - In a park filled with joy and laughter, strangers bond over their shared fate. Short, Drama |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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LC |
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 6:52pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
This is really good and I enjoyed it. A terrific Logan's Run type premise. Btw, I'd call it SciFi, Drama. At four and a bit pages there was only one thing missing for me and that is I wanted more. P.S. I'm not familiar with the song but looked it up. Perhaps a love interest might add another layer in another draft, considering his impending doom. |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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Arundel |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 1:03am |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
I really did enjoy this one. Had kind of a Twilight Zone feel to it. It was pretty obvious what they were talking about and what was going to happen, but enjoyed it anyway. |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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ColinS |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 8:57am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hey Writer
Blimey, that was one of the most concise pieces of writing I've read in a while. Liked your style so easy to read - you're def a less is more type.
Engaging but sad story, def would make a good watch. If you had more pages you could give Travis and Kira more time together, build that little extra something between them. As LC said, it's really good but is screaming for more. Consider it.
Brilliant last word from Travis to end on.
I have a bugbear, and I must voice it, sadly - the song, never heard of it. And can't find anywhere to listen to it. It's not on YouTube! I thought everything in the universe was on YouTube.
But other than that, great stuff! |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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LC |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 9:04am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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ColinS |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 10:57am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Thanks, LC - I stand corrected. Will check that out! Of course, it had to be on youtube somewhere |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 11:20am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Hi writer
This was a nice meet-cute. Very charming and sweet with a cool sci-fi twist. I’ve seen this premise before in a short script (which was filmed into a really cool short film) so there is an audience for it.
A breeze of a read.
Nice work |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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kcranford |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 2:24pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Yet another bittersweet entry (several of those this time) right up my alley! This was a beautiful and poignant story somehow compressed into a short 5 pages, yet all the marks were hit and all the heartstrings tugged. Very nice work, writer. Kathy P. S. Now I have to go find that song and listen to it. As someone said above, I've never heard of it, but now I gotta take a listen. |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 10:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Nice. It WAS pretty obvious what the badge meant. Not sure there's any way to hide that. Not sure if you even need to. In fact, that might just be the strength of this particular piece: the simplicity of it all. Still...I think I would like more pages...if you please. I'm left wondering why she's so content with the fairness of it all. Excellent work. Can't wait to read more. Best, Paul |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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Pleb |
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 1:54pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Wow that was an easy read!
Got a lot across with very little actually on the page.
Only thing for me was it felt nothing like the tone the song, but that's no biggy really.
Excellent job! |
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Stoneyscripts |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 6:02am |
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New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts307 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
An easy read. Nice and concise. I didn't engage with the story though, unfortunately.
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| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
And many many more...
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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big lew |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 12:56pm |
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New Rewriting Sucks!
LocationWater Mill, New York Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
So much life to live, so little time! Enjoyed the premise as it unfolded, well written, and at some point in all of our lives, we can relate to the immutable, unpredictable answer to the wish... "longer." Nicely done, writer! |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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Heretic |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 1:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Nicely done. I would have enjoyed either a little more to their interaction -- ie. they get to know each other a little bit more and we learn about them with a bit more specificity -- or, honestly, a bit less. I could see this with a bunch of the dialogue stripped out where they end up doing something in silence for a brief time, like maybe she convinces him to go for a walk around the park or play a sport or just do some sort of activity. I love the ending but I'd feel more attached to their lives if they were doing something with them other than talking.
All that said, it's a perfect final moment and line and nails a perfect bittersweet tone throughout.
Also, one of the most filmable of the bunch. Nice work here. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 11:06am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Ok, last one of all the scripts for me to sink into, let’s see how it goes.
Hmm, so I’m trying not to be dense here, but is the “TODAY” spinner or badge or whatever it is an indication that this is their last day on earth? Do they die, do they disappear to another realm, or is it something else entirely?
While I liked the story I wasn’t necessarily a fan of the dialogue. It was almost too concise for my taste, but I think maybe you’re going for a tone and theme in all the brevity. It just felt stilted and unnatural to me. But others seem to like it so take my thoughts for what it’s worth. Probably a very easily filmed piece so good luck with it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 5:25pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Sundara Karma - I have had a few beers, so take my post with a grain of hops. Seriously though, good job. What a neat and concise idea. I'd only echo a bit more would have been nice. I enjoyed this. Sorry, nothing substantial to add. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal |
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