Freshbloom by Sundara Karma - In a park filled with joy and laughter, strangers bond over their shared fate.  Short, Drama

This is really good and I enjoyed it.
A terrific Logan's Run type premise.

Btw, I'd call it SciFi, Drama.
At four and a bit pages there was only one thing missing for me and that is I wanted more.

P.S. I'm not familiar with the song but looked it up. Perhaps a love interest might add another layer in another draft, considering his impending doom.

I really did enjoy this one. Had kind of a Twilight Zone feel to it. It was pretty obvious what they were talking about and what was going to happen, but enjoyed it anyway.

Hey Writer

Blimey, that was one of the most concise pieces of writing I've read in a while. Liked your style so easy to read - you're def a less is more type.

Engaging but sad story, def would make a good watch. If you had more pages you could give Travis and Kira more time together, build that little extra something between them. As LC said, it's really good but is screaming for more. Consider it.

Brilliant last word from Travis to end on.

I have a bugbear, and I must voice it, sadly - the song, never heard of it. And can't find anywhere to listen to it. It's not on YouTube! I thought everything in the universe was on YouTube.

But other than that, great stuff!

Colin FYI:
Song
https://youtu.be/ARAV7sLLNGw?si=YeyUc1kk8p7UkzrG
And lyrics
https://genius.com/Sundara-karma-freshbloom-lyrics

Thanks, LC - I stand corrected.

Will check that out!

Of course, it had to be on youtube somewhere

Hi writer

This was a nice meet-cute. Very charming and sweet with a cool sci-fi twist. I’ve seen this premise before in a short script (which was filmed into a really cool short film) so there is an audience for it.

A breeze of a read.

Nice work

Yet another bittersweet entry (several of those this time) right up my alley!  This was a beautiful and poignant story somehow compressed into a short 5 pages, yet all the marks were hit and all the heartstrings tugged.  Very nice work, writer.

Kathy

P. S.  Now I have to go find that song and listen to it.  As someone said above, I've never heard of it, but now I gotta take a listen.  

Nice.

It WAS pretty obvious what the badge meant. Not sure there's any way to hide that. Not sure if you even need to. In fact, that might just be the strength of this particular piece: the simplicity of it all.

Still...I think I would like more pages...if you please.

I'm left wondering why she's so content with the fairness of it all.

Excellent work. Can't wait to read more.

Best,
Paul

Wow that was an easy read!

Got a lot across with very little actually on the page.

Only thing for me was it felt nothing like the tone the song, but that's no biggy really.

Excellent job!

An easy read. Nice and concise. I didn't engage with the story though, unfortunately.

So much life to live, so little time!
Enjoyed the premise as it unfolded, well written, and at some point in all of our lives, we can relate to the immutable, unpredictable answer to the wish... "longer."
Nicely done, writer!

Nicely done. I would have enjoyed either a little more to their interaction -- ie. they get to know each other a little bit more and we learn about them with a bit more specificity -- or, honestly, a bit less. I could see this with a bunch of the dialogue stripped out where they end up doing something in silence for a brief time, like maybe she convinces him to go for a walk around the park or play a sport or just do some sort of activity. I love the ending but I'd feel more attached to their lives if they were doing something with them other than talking.

All that said, it's a perfect final moment and line and nails a perfect bittersweet tone throughout.

Also, one of the most filmable of the bunch. Nice work here.

Ok, last one of all the scripts for me to sink into, let’s see how it goes.

Hmm, so I’m trying not to be dense here, but is the “TODAY” spinner or badge or whatever it is an indication that this is their last day on earth?  Do they die, do they disappear to another realm, or is it something else entirely?

While I liked the story I wasn’t necessarily a fan of the dialogue.  It was almost too concise for my taste, but I think maybe you’re going for a tone and theme in all the brevity.  It just felt stilted and unnatural to me.  But others seem to like it so take my thoughts for what it’s worth.  Probably a very easily filmed piece so good luck with it.

Ahoy Sundara Karma - I have had a few beers, so take my post with a grain of hops. Seriously though, good job. What a neat and concise idea. I'd only echo a bit more would have been nice. I enjoyed this. Sorry, nothing substantial to add. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

This was crisp. I also felt like it had a Twilight Zone feel to it.

You did a great job of projecting the unfairness of life through the story.

Quick read, straight to the point and I liked the Utopian-type society.
I just wanted to see more people and their badges to solidify what I'm
assuming is their departure date, whatever that might mean.
Travis is disgruntled, which seems to go against the societal grain.
Not sure why. Maybe he is an independent thinker and prone to
questions rules and regulations. Or maybe he slept through the zoom
meeting and is now catching up.
Life isn't fair, but if our death dates were accessible, how many would
choose to access this information? Food for thought.
Nothing more to offer than to say I enjoyed the read.

Writer, I can’t be sure because I didn’t look up the song, but it seems you wrote your script to the actual lyrics. And I kinda liked it, even though I didn’t really know exactly what was happening, yet somehow I did. I know. Crazy. Good work tho.

Steve

What a great last line: "longer." That's the best final line of any of these scripts. Nice concise dialogue. I like this, but I feel like there should be a bit more. Hard to say what.

Writer,

This was a fast read.   I took it as a Syfy spin on how unfair life is.  Having Kira disappear first adds to the tension at the end.    His last line made it hit home.  Yours is another song I've never heard of.  After listening to it, I think it fits well with your story.  Good job.